In case you were wondering what it's like to live in North Korea...
Monday, February 20, 2006
Friday, February 03, 2006
Why do they hate our freedom? Fucking rednecks should be grateful. I wish my elementary school music teacher had shown us opera. Oh, but I was taught by retards.
Amusing quote from another web site on the contraversy: "Tresa Waggoner was brought to task by several parents of first, second and third-graders for showing a video, in early January, that included images of the devil."
'Faust' Opera Video Stirs Angry Parents
Some parents in this prairie town are angry with an elementary school music teacher for showing pupils a video about the opera "Faust," whose title character sells his soul to the devil in exchange for being young again.
"Any adult with common sense would not think that video was appropriate for a young person to see. I'm not sure it's appropriate for a high school student," Robby Warner said after two of her children saw the video.
Another parent, Casey Goodwin, said, "I think it glorifies Satan in some way."
Tresa Waggoner showed approximately 250 first-, second- and third-graders at Bennett Elementary portions of a 33-year-old series titled "Who's Afraid of Opera" a few weeks ago.
The video features the soprano Dame Joan Sutherland and three puppet friends discussing Gounod's "Faust." Waggoner thought it would be a good introduction to opera.
Her critics questioned the decision to show children a portrayal of the devil, Mephistopheles, along with a scene showing a man being killed by a sword and a reference to suicide.
School Superintendent George Sauter said the teacher should not have shown the video to children below the fourth grade but will not lose her job. She has sent letter of apology to all elementary school parents in Bennett, population 2,400 and about 25 miles east of Denver on Colorado's eastern plains.
"I was definitely not sensitive to the conservative nature of the community, and I've learned that," Waggoner said in Sunday's editions of The Denver Post. "However, from what has been said about me, that I'm a Satan worshipper, my character, I can't believe all of this. My intention was just to expose the kids to opera."
Waggoner, who is in her first year teaching vocal music in Bennett, said she doesn't expect to stay in town.
"I know I'm not accepted here, that I'm not welcome here by the parents," she said. "It's a very uncomfortable position."
Amusing quote from another web site on the contraversy: "Tresa Waggoner was brought to task by several parents of first, second and third-graders for showing a video, in early January, that included images of the devil."
'Faust' Opera Video Stirs Angry Parents
Some parents in this prairie town are angry with an elementary school music teacher for showing pupils a video about the opera "Faust," whose title character sells his soul to the devil in exchange for being young again.
"Any adult with common sense would not think that video was appropriate for a young person to see. I'm not sure it's appropriate for a high school student," Robby Warner said after two of her children saw the video.
Another parent, Casey Goodwin, said, "I think it glorifies Satan in some way."
Tresa Waggoner showed approximately 250 first-, second- and third-graders at Bennett Elementary portions of a 33-year-old series titled "Who's Afraid of Opera" a few weeks ago.
The video features the soprano Dame Joan Sutherland and three puppet friends discussing Gounod's "Faust." Waggoner thought it would be a good introduction to opera.
Her critics questioned the decision to show children a portrayal of the devil, Mephistopheles, along with a scene showing a man being killed by a sword and a reference to suicide.
School Superintendent George Sauter said the teacher should not have shown the video to children below the fourth grade but will not lose her job. She has sent letter of apology to all elementary school parents in Bennett, population 2,400 and about 25 miles east of Denver on Colorado's eastern plains.
"I was definitely not sensitive to the conservative nature of the community, and I've learned that," Waggoner said in Sunday's editions of The Denver Post. "However, from what has been said about me, that I'm a Satan worshipper, my character, I can't believe all of this. My intention was just to expose the kids to opera."
Waggoner, who is in her first year teaching vocal music in Bennett, said she doesn't expect to stay in town.
"I know I'm not accepted here, that I'm not welcome here by the parents," she said. "It's a very uncomfortable position."
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
I SPEAK ON THE OSCARS
I think Brokeback Mountain is this year's American Beauty -- hugely overpraised, and hardly anyone is going to remember why in a few years. I went in prepared for a let-down, because there's no way it could have lived up to the hype, but boy, what a let down. I'm a little mystified by the effect its having on people. It wasn't even the best beautifully-filmed meditation on longing and regret to come out in 2005 (that would be The New World), let alone in Ang Lee's career (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was better). I didn't feel the passage of time -- Jack and Ennis acted like they were seeing each other every five minutes, not once a year or however long it was. It certainly didn't feel like twenty years passed during the film, no matter how many bad wigs or mustaches the actors sported. Heath Ledger is decent, as is Anne Hathaway, especially during her phone conversation with Ledger near the film's end, but Jake Gyllynhall is hopelessly out of his league when it comes to communicating anything other than blank expressions. But as a supporter of the Homosexualist Agenda, I'm glad it's doing boffo nubers, and I wish it all the success in the world.
I was pleased to see Terence Howard nominated for Hustle and Flow. I went and sasw it by mistake (a friend had reccomended "You, Me and Everyone We Know," and I got the titles mixed up). But it's a great movie (I'm watching it right now), and Howard did a great job. It's probably the only mainstream film I've ever seen in which being a pimp and a drug dealer aren't glamorized. Howard plays a seriously lower-economic-class criminal. It's refreshing.
I hope he wins.
I think Brokeback Mountain is this year's American Beauty -- hugely overpraised, and hardly anyone is going to remember why in a few years. I went in prepared for a let-down, because there's no way it could have lived up to the hype, but boy, what a let down. I'm a little mystified by the effect its having on people. It wasn't even the best beautifully-filmed meditation on longing and regret to come out in 2005 (that would be The New World), let alone in Ang Lee's career (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was better). I didn't feel the passage of time -- Jack and Ennis acted like they were seeing each other every five minutes, not once a year or however long it was. It certainly didn't feel like twenty years passed during the film, no matter how many bad wigs or mustaches the actors sported. Heath Ledger is decent, as is Anne Hathaway, especially during her phone conversation with Ledger near the film's end, but Jake Gyllynhall is hopelessly out of his league when it comes to communicating anything other than blank expressions. But as a supporter of the Homosexualist Agenda, I'm glad it's doing boffo nubers, and I wish it all the success in the world.
I was pleased to see Terence Howard nominated for Hustle and Flow. I went and sasw it by mistake (a friend had reccomended "You, Me and Everyone We Know," and I got the titles mixed up). But it's a great movie (I'm watching it right now), and Howard did a great job. It's probably the only mainstream film I've ever seen in which being a pimp and a drug dealer aren't glamorized. Howard plays a seriously lower-economic-class criminal. It's refreshing.
I hope he wins.
AT LAST I CAN RELATE TO NICK NOLTE
I suspect this is how I'd be at Sundance. From Popbitch...
* Nick Nolte went to the Liz Phair VIP
room wearing a white suit, white top hat
and carrying a cane. He spoke to no-one,
stared at the wall and only moved off a
couch to make a trip to his limo every
twenty minutes or so, each time returning
to the same sofa to stare at the wall.
I suspect this is how I'd be at Sundance. From Popbitch...
* Nick Nolte went to the Liz Phair VIP
room wearing a white suit, white top hat
and carrying a cane. He spoke to no-one,
stared at the wall and only moved off a
couch to make a trip to his limo every
twenty minutes or so, each time returning
to the same sofa to stare at the wall.
Looking forward to a new fascism...
Sweeping anti-abortion laws proposed
Jan. 31, 2006 at 9:28AM
Legislators in at least five states are proposing bold anti-abortion measures as the Bush administration reshapes the U.S. Supreme Court, a report said.
With the goal of challenging the Roe vs. Wade ruling that ensured a woman's right to an abortion, lawmakers in Georgia, Indiana, Ohio, South Dakota and Tennessee propose banning all abortions except when the woman's life is in danger, Stateline.org reported.
If enacted, legal experts said the laws would be the first absolute abortion bans since the landmark 1973 ruling.
However, some abortion foes worry that state bans could backfire especially since five pro-Roe justices remain in the Supreme Court.
It's as predictable as the sun rising that lower courts would strike down such state bans, said Americans United for Life Director Clarke Forsythe.
It would be better to pass legislation "that can be enforced," such as parental notification requirements and fetal pain warnings, the constitutional lawyer told the state issues organization.
Sweeping anti-abortion laws proposed
Jan. 31, 2006 at 9:28AM
Legislators in at least five states are proposing bold anti-abortion measures as the Bush administration reshapes the U.S. Supreme Court, a report said.
With the goal of challenging the Roe vs. Wade ruling that ensured a woman's right to an abortion, lawmakers in Georgia, Indiana, Ohio, South Dakota and Tennessee propose banning all abortions except when the woman's life is in danger, Stateline.org reported.
If enacted, legal experts said the laws would be the first absolute abortion bans since the landmark 1973 ruling.
However, some abortion foes worry that state bans could backfire especially since five pro-Roe justices remain in the Supreme Court.
It's as predictable as the sun rising that lower courts would strike down such state bans, said Americans United for Life Director Clarke Forsythe.
It would be better to pass legislation "that can be enforced," such as parental notification requirements and fetal pain warnings, the constitutional lawyer told the state issues organization.
WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR SAM ALITO?
According to the AP's tally, 19 Democrats voted in favor of cloture -- which is to say, against a filibuster: Daniel Akaka, Max Baucus, Jeff Bingaman, Robert Byrd, Maria Cantwell, Tom Carper, Kent Conrad, Byron Dorgan, Daniel Inouye, Tim Johnson, Herb Kohl, Mary Landrieu, Joe Lieberman, Blanche Lincoln, Ben Nelson, Bill Nelson, Mark Pryor, Jay Rockefeller and Ken Salazar.
I never liked her anyway.
According to the AP's tally, 19 Democrats voted in favor of cloture -- which is to say, against a filibuster: Daniel Akaka, Max Baucus, Jeff Bingaman, Robert Byrd, Maria Cantwell, Tom Carper, Kent Conrad, Byron Dorgan, Daniel Inouye, Tim Johnson, Herb Kohl, Mary Landrieu, Joe Lieberman, Blanche Lincoln, Ben Nelson, Bill Nelson, Mark Pryor, Jay Rockefeller and Ken Salazar.
I never liked her anyway.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
This is what it takes to get me blogging again...
Fairies stop developers' bulldozers in their tracks
By Will Pavia and Chris Windle
VILLAGERS who protested that a new housing estate would “harm the fairies” living in their midst have forced a property company to scrap its building plans and start again.
Marcus Salter, head of Genesis Properties, estimates that the small colony of fairies believed to live beneath a rock in St Fillans, Perthshire, has cost him £15,000. His first notice of the residential sensibilities of the netherworld came as his diggers moved on to a site on the outskirts of the village, which crowns the easterly shore of Loch Earn.
He said: “A neighbour came over shouting, ‘Don’t move that rock. You’ll kill the fa
iries’.” The rock protruded from the centre of a gently shelving field, edged by the steep slopes of Dundurn mountain, where in the sixth century the Celtic missionary St Fillan set up camp and attempted to convert the Picts from the pagan darkness of superstition.
“Then we got a series of phone calls, saying we were disturbing the fairies. I thought they were joking. It didn’t go down very well,” Mr Salter said.
In fact, even as his firm attempted to work around the rock, they received complaints that the fairies would be “upset”. Mr Salter still believed he was dealing with a vocal minority, but the gears of Perthshire’s planning process were about to be clogged by something that looked suspiciously like fairy dust.
“I went to a meeting of the community council and the concerns cropped up there,” he said. The council was considering lodging a complaint with the planning authority, likely to be the kiss of death for a housing development in a national park. Jeannie Fox, council chairman, said: “I do believe in fairies but I can’t be sure that they live under that rock. I had been told that the rock had historic importance, that kings were crowned upon it.” Her main objection to moving the rock was based on the fact that it had stood on the hillside for so long: a sort of MacFeng Shui that many in the village subscribe to.
“There are a lot of superstitions going about up here and people do believe that things like standing stones and large rocks should never be moved,” she said.
Half a mile into Loch Earn is Neish Island. From there the Neish clan set forth to plunder the surrounding country, retreating each time to their island. Early in the 17th century, the MacNabs retaliated from the next valley, carrying a boat over the mountains, storming the island and slaughtering most of the Neishes.
This summer Betty Neish McInnes, the last of that line in St Fillans, went to her grave — but not before she had imparted the ancient Pict significance of the rock to many of her neighbours.
“A lot of people think the rock had some Pictish meaning,” Mrs Fox said. “It would be extremely unlucky to move it.”
Mr Salter did not just want to move the rock. He wanted to dig it up, cart it to the roadside and brand it with the name of his new neighbourhood.
The Planning Inspectorate has no specific guidelines on fairies but a spokesman said: “Planning guidance states that local customs and beliefs must be taken into account when a developer applies for planning permission.” Mr Salter said: “We had to redesign the entire thing from scratch.”
The new estate will now centre on a small park, in the middle of which stands a curious rock. Work begins next month, if the fairies allow.
Fairies stop developers' bulldozers in their tracks
By Will Pavia and Chris Windle
VILLAGERS who protested that a new housing estate would “harm the fairies” living in their midst have forced a property company to scrap its building plans and start again.
Marcus Salter, head of Genesis Properties, estimates that the small colony of fairies believed to live beneath a rock in St Fillans, Perthshire, has cost him £15,000. His first notice of the residential sensibilities of the netherworld came as his diggers moved on to a site on the outskirts of the village, which crowns the easterly shore of Loch Earn.
He said: “A neighbour came over shouting, ‘Don’t move that rock. You’ll kill the fa
iries’.” The rock protruded from the centre of a gently shelving field, edged by the steep slopes of Dundurn mountain, where in the sixth century the Celtic missionary St Fillan set up camp and attempted to convert the Picts from the pagan darkness of superstition.
“Then we got a series of phone calls, saying we were disturbing the fairies. I thought they were joking. It didn’t go down very well,” Mr Salter said.
In fact, even as his firm attempted to work around the rock, they received complaints that the fairies would be “upset”. Mr Salter still believed he was dealing with a vocal minority, but the gears of Perthshire’s planning process were about to be clogged by something that looked suspiciously like fairy dust.
“I went to a meeting of the community council and the concerns cropped up there,” he said. The council was considering lodging a complaint with the planning authority, likely to be the kiss of death for a housing development in a national park. Jeannie Fox, council chairman, said: “I do believe in fairies but I can’t be sure that they live under that rock. I had been told that the rock had historic importance, that kings were crowned upon it.” Her main objection to moving the rock was based on the fact that it had stood on the hillside for so long: a sort of MacFeng Shui that many in the village subscribe to.
“There are a lot of superstitions going about up here and people do believe that things like standing stones and large rocks should never be moved,” she said.
Half a mile into Loch Earn is Neish Island. From there the Neish clan set forth to plunder the surrounding country, retreating each time to their island. Early in the 17th century, the MacNabs retaliated from the next valley, carrying a boat over the mountains, storming the island and slaughtering most of the Neishes.
This summer Betty Neish McInnes, the last of that line in St Fillans, went to her grave — but not before she had imparted the ancient Pict significance of the rock to many of her neighbours.
“A lot of people think the rock had some Pictish meaning,” Mrs Fox said. “It would be extremely unlucky to move it.”
Mr Salter did not just want to move the rock. He wanted to dig it up, cart it to the roadside and brand it with the name of his new neighbourhood.
The Planning Inspectorate has no specific guidelines on fairies but a spokesman said: “Planning guidance states that local customs and beliefs must be taken into account when a developer applies for planning permission.” Mr Salter said: “We had to redesign the entire thing from scratch.”
The new estate will now centre on a small park, in the middle of which stands a curious rock. Work begins next month, if the fairies allow.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
As a social acquaintance of the far right, I was delighted to find this online petition, which is a Christian-based anti-torture initiative. Interestingly, it said one of the people I was sending it to rejected my title of "Reverend." It was going to two people, House Speaker Denny Hastert and my local Representative, Jim McDermott. I have trouble imagining Haster rejecting messages from the clergy. I'm not too concerned about anti-Christian bias, but it is interesting to get proof of it.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Just saw Wild Blue Yonder, Werner Herzog's new film. Fascinating. It's largely assembled from footage shot in the space shuttle and by a friend during an Antarctic scuba vacation. There's a wacky narrative by Brad Dourif as an alien from the Andromeda Galaxy, the theme of which is that "aliens suck" (an exact quote).
Herzog tells a science fiction tale that suggests the sort of fantasy a child might misinterpret from such evocative footage. Mathematicians discuss their calculations and theories of space travel, shot like mystery men and ironic monsters. The film suggests that the wonders of our world are the wonders of the universe, that Earth is the last alien planet, that we exist here because there is nowhere else in the universe that is remotely hospitable to our species.
After the screening Herzog and Dourif took questions. Nobody asked Herzog about holding a gun on Klaus Kinski or asked Brad Dourif what it was like to work with Christopher Lee. Herzog was disappointingly atheistic on the subject of far space travel. Impossible, he said. Ridiculous. He gloated over the memory of shaking an astronaut with this insight. I thought it was sad, this man I admire, smugly accepting his own dogma. Some dumb woman in the audience played off this, asking a question dripping in contempt for these foolish scientists and their silly fantasies of space travel. Honestly, when it comes to the possibilities of the universe, the wonder of the physical world, I'm going to take my cue from the scientist, not an indie filmmaker. The mathematicians are probably the better judge on their theories, not Werner fucking Herzog.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Looks like someone is on top of the Panther Cheerleader story. Thank god. Our Republic breathes a sigh of relief, and I have a little less work to do.
THE FRUSTRATION OF THE BLOGGER
Man, I hate days like this. Today I stumble across what would be a perfect story for Use Once & Destroy: Two Panthers cheerleaders face charges
Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders who allegedly were having sex with each other in a bathroom stall at a Tampa, Fla., nightclub were arrested and charged early Sunday following a run-in with patrons and police.
According to a police report obtained by the CBS TV affiliate in Tampa and the Charlotte Observer, Angela Ellen Keathley and Renee Thomas were arrested following an incident at Banana Joe's, in Tampa's Channelside district, at 2:10 a.m. ET.
In the police report, witnesses claimed Thomas and Keathley were having sex with each other in a stall when other patrons grew angry that the two were taking so long in the bathroom.
Another woman waiting to use the bathroom got into an argument with the two, and Thomas hit that person in the face, according to details of the report posted on TampaBay10.com, the CBS TV affiliate's Web site.
Keathley, who was escorted from the nightclub, was so drunk she could barely stand, the report said. Police described Keathley as rude and belligerent with police.
When Thomas was arrested, she gave police the name of another Panthers cheerleader -- Kristen Lanier Owen, the Observer and TampaBay10.com reported. Thomas, who was charged with one count of battery, might face additional charges for lying to police, once they confirm her identity.
Keathley was charged with disorderly conduct and obstructing or opposing an officer.
Other Panthers cheerleaders bailed Thomas and Keathley out of Hillsborough County jail later Sunday morning, TampaBay10.com reported.
The cheerleaders made the trip to Tampa on their own -- the squad performs on the sideline only at home games. Panthers officials at Sunday afternoon's game said they were aware of the report, but declined further comment when contacted by the Observer.
According to the Panthers' official team Web site on NFL.com, Keathley is a registered nurse and second-year member of the TopCats. Thomas is listed as a student at the University of North Carolina-Charlotte and first-year member of the cheerleading squad.
Presumeably because of this story, the Panther Cheerleaders home page is down. How am I supposed to do justice to this event without photos of the participants? Huh? This kind of crap is what's destroying the First Amendment in this country. Sometimes I don't know why I bother.
Man, I hate days like this. Today I stumble across what would be a perfect story for Use Once & Destroy: Two Panthers cheerleaders face charges
Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders who allegedly were having sex with each other in a bathroom stall at a Tampa, Fla., nightclub were arrested and charged early Sunday following a run-in with patrons and police.
According to a police report obtained by the CBS TV affiliate in Tampa and the Charlotte Observer, Angela Ellen Keathley and Renee Thomas were arrested following an incident at Banana Joe's, in Tampa's Channelside district, at 2:10 a.m. ET.
In the police report, witnesses claimed Thomas and Keathley were having sex with each other in a stall when other patrons grew angry that the two were taking so long in the bathroom.
Another woman waiting to use the bathroom got into an argument with the two, and Thomas hit that person in the face, according to details of the report posted on TampaBay10.com, the CBS TV affiliate's Web site.
Keathley, who was escorted from the nightclub, was so drunk she could barely stand, the report said. Police described Keathley as rude and belligerent with police.
When Thomas was arrested, she gave police the name of another Panthers cheerleader -- Kristen Lanier Owen, the Observer and TampaBay10.com reported. Thomas, who was charged with one count of battery, might face additional charges for lying to police, once they confirm her identity.
Keathley was charged with disorderly conduct and obstructing or opposing an officer.
Other Panthers cheerleaders bailed Thomas and Keathley out of Hillsborough County jail later Sunday morning, TampaBay10.com reported.
The cheerleaders made the trip to Tampa on their own -- the squad performs on the sideline only at home games. Panthers officials at Sunday afternoon's game said they were aware of the report, but declined further comment when contacted by the Observer.
According to the Panthers' official team Web site on NFL.com, Keathley is a registered nurse and second-year member of the TopCats. Thomas is listed as a student at the University of North Carolina-Charlotte and first-year member of the cheerleading squad.
Presumeably because of this story, the Panther Cheerleaders home page is down. How am I supposed to do justice to this event without photos of the participants? Huh? This kind of crap is what's destroying the First Amendment in this country. Sometimes I don't know why I bother.
A life-affirming post from John Derbyshire at National Review Online: Any time you catch yourself thinking that your life might be empty and pointless, just meditate for a minute or two on the concept "Paris Hilton fan." That should set you straight.
Amen, Derb. Amen.
Amen, Derb. Amen.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
In the Forums of Television Without Pity, they are discussing the latest episode of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. While discussing a so-called "sugar bun" which played a contraversial role in the episode (specifically, just waht exactly is a sugar bun), a chill wind of despair blows through on the comments of one "gilaymar": "Those sugar buns are probably just someone's thoughtless creation, likely just sugar and flour, they sound and look pretty dry, meaningless without a cup of coffee."
Friday, November 04, 2005
FOR THE WOMAN WHO HAS EVERYTHING
Christmas is coming, and Vincent Gallo has the perfect gift for those starfucking spinsters on your list...
Vincent Gallo's Sperm
$1 Million
Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself. Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well aware of Mr. Gallo's multiple talents, but to add further insight into the value of Mr. Gallo's sperm, aside from being multi talented in all creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle racing. Mr. Gallo is 5'11" and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.
Christmas is coming, and Vincent Gallo has the perfect gift for those starfucking spinsters on your list...
Vincent Gallo's Sperm
$1 Million
Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery. Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself. Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well aware of Mr. Gallo's multiple talents, but to add further insight into the value of Mr. Gallo's sperm, aside from being multi talented in all creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle racing. Mr. Gallo is 5'11" and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar. To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Today the Washington Post has a story about terror suspects being held in secret prisons. I just want to say, I posted about this four months ago. Does that mean I scooped the Post? I'm reasonably sure this wasn't precience on my part. Hasn't this system of "secret" prisons been common knowledge for quite some time?
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