Primitive. Interesting.

Now that I've gotten my kicks in, I can reflect more soberly on Michael Jackson. For me, he existed as a musical genius for precisely one album: Thriller. I remember my older sister offering to buy it for me (hey, whatever happened to that offer? No album was forthcoming. I got back at her a few years later by trading her copy for Van Halen's first record). And I was not impressed with Bad.

But along with John Belushi, Michael Jackson formed my first image of the superstar. Certainly, he was one of the first I heard urban legends about. My aforementioned sister was appalled by one rumor I ran past her, that Jackson had cut off his penis to accommodate being fucked by Paul McCartney.

In seventh grade music class I recorded a song called "Werewolf by Night" inspired by "Thriller" and the eponymous Marvel comic.

I remember when Jackos played the 1993 Superbowl, one of my roommates was convinced he made multiple appearance through the use of underground tunnels. Such was the mythology.

I disagree with Andrew Sullivan here that the abuse Jackson suffered wasn't sexual. It's long been my theory that Jackson lost his virginity before the age of ten, and that's what turned him into such a... you know, a freak. I have no doubt in my mind that groupies would be predatory enough to deflower a kindergartner.

By the way, Jackson's death doesn't end things. It's unfair to expect more from a man who has already given us so much, but more is gonna get got. Just like James Brown's passing led to riots and revelations of a transsexual common-law "wife," Michael is undoubtedly going to inspire no shortage of craziness from beyond the grave. Call it an encore.

BAD

I can't believe this day has finally come. Michael Jackson, dead at 50 from a heart attack. I can't believe he was fifty, and I'm shocked it wasn't mass suicide.

Here are my greatest hits in regard to the King of Pop. Spelling errors have been retained to uphold my youthful integrity.

August 30, 2002: I disagree starting [Rocks' Greatest Meltdowns] with Michael Jackson at #1, although if they were going in reverse chronological order it might make sense.

November 20, 2002: And what's the deal with his children being white? I don't care how much you bleach your skin, it ain't gonna change your chromosones, right? If I took a bunch of tanning pills, would my kids be black? The mind boggles.

November 20, 2003 (by Jason Probst): He has everything going for him. It’s not like he’s some street junkie getting a public defender. He’s not poor. And he hasn’t been black for several years. If anything, the sympathy factor in favor could be critical.

November 20, 2003: I know I implied I didn't want to comment on the subject, but I heard a theory about Michael Jackson that bears repeating: when he commits suicide, or dies, or whatever, his face will transform back into the handsome black man he used to be.

November 25, 2003: There just doesn't seem to be anywhere to go beyond Michael Jackson.

November 25, 2003: ...this article about Michael Jackson has "broken the record for Most Prison-Rape References Per Paragraph of anything published under the Microsoft banner."

November 25, 2003: For a moment, I briefly considered announcing a permanent moratorium on Michael Jackson comments. But then I realized, I got nothing else.

December 4, 2003: I'm a little nervous about Michael Jackson popping up in scarifying artwork by mentally disabled artists. I wonder if it's a cultural phenomena, or is the King of Pop meeting these outsider artists? BTW, these painting are titled, "The Bad Thing That Happened Part 1," "The Bad Thing That Happened Part 2" and "The Bad Thing That Happened Part 3."

December 18, 2003: Well, no suprise that the King of Pop has been charged with drugging and molesting children. It is only my appreciation for his fine album Off the Wall and my sypathy for his childhood friendship with a rat that prompts me to give him this free advice: Keep your fucking family away from the media.

March 5, 2005: I don't know if he's a demented, self-mutilating child molestor, or a rare magical being we've managed to persecute, but I do think , when all is said and done, that we all got our share of entertainmnet out of Michael Jackson.

'Nuff said.

I call this: Symbology.

This band is ridiculously tight and professional. The average age has to be 12. Maybe. School of Rock. Go figger.

OVERHEARD 'No Jaegerboarding?'

OVERHEARD
'No Jaegerboarding?'

Children crushed by enourmous ball.