I have hit bottom

I THINK I BRAIN MY BROKE

I just saw Monsters vs. Aliens in 3D at the Imax. I sat in the second row.

WHAT A FUCKING IMBECILE

Republicans can't even be bothered to insert numbers into their budget proposal.

SIDE EFFECTS

Heard on a commercial: "Abilify may lead to heart failure or death."

Uh...

Seriously, I know death is a possible side effect, but it ought to be more a result of complications from side effects, rather than a side effect in its own right.

I would love to read

I would love to read a comic called 'Dennis the Maakies'.

RIGHT WING JACKASS

In a post entitled Not So Stimulating, David Freddoso at National Review Online makes what I'm sure was an easy crack about the stimulus package not creating jobs.

If the stimulus package fails to create any jobs, at least it will guarantee that there's a place for all of Pawtucket's unemployed teenagers to go during the summer.

In this city burdened with one of Rhode Island’s highest home foreclosure rates and a $10-million current-year budget deficit, $550,000 in federal stimulus money is coming to build a skateboarding park and renovate tennis and basketball courts at Jenks Junior High School.

Yep, those facilities are just going to construct themselves.

I don't know where I am.

I just used cruise control

I just used cruise control for the first time in years. I'm listening to the 70 minute 'Dopesmoker' the only song on Sleep's album 'Dopesmoker.'

RANDOM THOUGHT

Are we all crazy to use microwave ovens?

OSCAR NIGHT LIVEBLOG

5:46 Where to begin? Jackman, I already pity. Looking at Tilda Swinton, I though that she was going to represent her 84 Best Supporting Actress forebears in the form of some kind of interpretive dance. She looked like she was wearing a sack. Are they really describing the performances?

5:48 If this was some kind of Modern Theatre Intrepreation, Winton would be playing Madness.

5:49 Penelope Cruz. Shit, too late to make a bet.

6:07 What is this crazy music for the animation oscar clip?

7:27 Yawn.

What happened here?

A Lynchian scene at the Blue Star Diner.

DEPRESSING THROUGHT

"Probabilities indicate that [Steve Austria (R-OH) is not the stupidest conservative in congress."
-- Matt Yglesias

JUST IMAGINE... Richard Nixon on

JUST IMAGINE...
Richard Nixon on cocaine...

Today's elephant - look closely in the center.

NO MATCH FOR ISRAEL

But there are a couple attractive Iraqi police-ladies.

Holy crap, Australia is about fifteen pounds of ridiculous.

Why do we have to ruin a perfectly good inauguration with a poem?

GOODBYE PRESIDENT ASSHOLE

It sounds like maybe one person is clapping for Bush. Ha.

BUSH BY THE NUMBERS

Some are brilliant:

Minimum number of close-up photographs of Bush’s hands owned by his current chief of staff, Josh Bolten: 4

Number of vehicles in the motorcade that transports Bush to his regular bike ride in Maryland: 6

Some engrossing:

Estimated total calories members of Congress burned giving Bush’s 2002 State of the Union standing ovations: 22,000

Days since the federal government first placed the nation under an “elevated terror alert” that the level has been relaxed: 0

Some sickening:

Factor by which an Iraqi in 2006 was more likely to die than in the last year of the Saddam regime: 3.6

Factor by which the cause of death was more likely to be violence: 120

And of course:

Average percentage of Americans who approved of the job Bush was doing during his second term: 37

Percentage of Russians today who approve of the direction their country took under Stalin: 37

DONN ROGER MILLER

OCTOBER 21, 1936-DECEMBER 30, 2008

Donn was born October 21, 1936 in Wichita, Kansas, to Fern and Wilkie Miller. He was the fifth of the couple’s six children. He wed Lorene Sausser on December 23, 1962 and the couple had one daughter, Karen Elizabeth. He studied business at Wichita State University and Emporia State University, but dedicated his life-long career to his passion for music.

As a jazz musician, he formed the Donn Miller Trio, which played in Topeka and Kansas City in the 1960’s and in Denver in the 1970’s. He also played solo piano, and lent his talents to many jazz groups and combos throughout his life. At the same time, Donn developed his skills in piano tuning and repair, reaching the level of Registered Piano Technician (RPT) and Certified Tuning Examiner (CTE) within the Piano Technicians Guild. After working for Jenkins Music Company in Kansas City, he moved to Denver in 1967 and opened his own shop, The Piano Spotlight. In 1980, Donn became the tuner for the music college at the University of Colorado at Boulder, and later held a similar position for Denver Public Schools. In his 20-year service to DPS, he mentored other tuners and continued to tune for private clients.

Donn retired in 2004 and moved to Kansas City to be closer to his daughter and her family, where he was a loving “Daddad” to his granddaughter, Lili Caroline. He was preceded in death by his parents; brothers Wilkie and Bill; and Sisters Irma and Marilyn. Survivors include his wife, of Leawood; daughter Karen Plummer and her husband Jonathan Plummer of Kansas City; granddaughter, Lili, 5; Brother James David of Aiken, S.C.; and many cousins, nieces, nephews and in-laws.

In accordance with his wishes, Donn will be cremated. The family requests memorial donations be made to the Piano Technicians Guild Foundation, the Country Club Congregational United Church of Christ, or a charity of your choice.

The above clip is Donn playing a song he composed to celebrate the birth of my cousin Karen.

Something clearly happened here while I was away.

This has the looks of an absolutely fucking brutal accident scene.

There's a shoe lying up the sidewalk.

Really, what a fucking stupid place to put an enourmous fucking ashtray.

HOLY SHIT, J.D. SALINGER IS STILL ALIVE

Happy birthday, Mr. Salinger.

THOUGHTS ON THE ILIAD AND OTHER THINGS

Virginia Ledoyen was once described as "ridiculously beautiful," and Diane Kruger could not be described so, which I think is a requirement to be Helen of Troy.

On the other hand the ancient Greeks were a highly gay people, so it’s possibled that Helen was a simply fabulous drag queen. Six foot two, mustache, adams apple, and a clownishly made-up face that launched a thousand ships.

It always seems like whenever we try to talk about the good points of Nazism, somebody always has to bring up the Holocaust.

I hate Ted Haggard, and his shitty song Okie From Muskogee, and it figures he’s a meth head

Kate Winslet plays a concentration camp guard trading sex for reading lessons from a 15 year old boy. I could make that movie perfect wih those ingredients.

I was the most interesting and successful person at my high school reunion. I envy my classmates who had the opportunity to interact with me.

Happy New Year!

HOLIDAY MOVIE OBSERVATIONS

Chasing someone out of the house with a scythe is a sure way to cure agoraphobia.

More wisdom from the crazy bastard who does the signs on the 45th Street Chevron.

"This is a farewell kiss, dog."

In case it isn't obvious, I'm wearing a fur.

Snowman coming soon...

BUSH LOOKS BACK

Turning to domestic matters, on the Supreme Court, the president expressed happiness with his picks of John Roberts and Samuel Alito. “My regret is I didn’t get to name a third judge,” [Bush] told us.

Translation: "I wish John Paul Stevens had died."

AND A MOTHER FIGHTS.... TO SAVE THE LIFE OF HER OWN CHILD

Tonight on ER. Seriously, this show is still on?

"TEAM OF RIVALS"

Now Bill Richardson is rumored as Obama's Secretary of Commerce. John Edwards the only Democratic primary contender left without a job in the administrative branch. I'm trying to think if this sort of thing is unprecedented.

Permanent wave machine

ACTUAL GOVERNEMENT ORDER

“An Administrative Review Board has reviewed the information about you that was talked about at the meeting on 02 December 2005 and the deciding official in the United States has made a decision about what will happen to you. You will be sent to the country of Afghanistan. Your departure will occur as soon as possible.”

"[T]he information that was talked about the meeting" doesn't even sound like legal language, It sounds like something I would say in traffic court. I wonder if Bush wrote it himself.

Wtf?

I'm in the south

Tranny hookers?! Sign me up!

Hope even finds its way into public restrooms.

FUCK BRIAN WILLIAMS!

FUCK BRIAN WILLIAMS!

I bet Savannah Guthrie likes

I bet Savannah Guthrie likes to rock the party. I sure wish I were in Phoenix tonight.

Just to be clear, I

Just to be clear, I Called the election for Obama like ten minutes ago before it became obvious.

As I write this, Obama

As I write this, Obama has 200 electoral votes. When you considr that the entire west coast is in the tank, then that's it. I'm calling it. Obama

DEMOCRACY!

What I did after Yonder.

And that's a wrap!

And that's a wrap!

Big time producer Dave Miller spends his final night of Yonder production engaged in what we'll charitably call prop management.

MARCH OF THE PENGUINS

In this video, mankind launches a valiant rescue effort, and hundreds of penguins march hilariously into the sea.

More from the dream factory.

SNOW ON MARS

I don't know why this story made me tear up a little. Probably because I'm tired. But still, snow on Mars, that never touches the ground...

A laser instrument designed to gather knowledge of how the atmosphere and surface interact on Mars has detected snow from clouds about 4 kilometers (2.5 miles) above the spacecraft's landing site. Data show the snow vaporizing before reaching the ground.

Making a movie is like fighting a land war in Asia.

Today I am wrangling ants

Today I am wrangling ants for a major motion picture.

For a music nerd, I discovered the 1968 Rolling Stones masterpiece Beggar's Banquet far too late -- like a few months ago. This song, No Expectations, is a beautiful wail of exhaustion and resignation.

RICHARD WRIGHT 1943-2008

And I am not frightened of dying. Any time will do; I don't mind. Why should I be frightened of dying? There's no reason for it—you've gotta go sometime.

LET US NEVER FORGET LET US ALWAYS REMEMBER

I almost let the anniversary of the Iraqis bombing Pearl Harbor go by without some commemoration. Let's link to this classic post of two men too in love with Al Quaeda's power.

My favorite quote unsurprisingly comes from me at my most articulate:

Fuck, this shit is crazy.

Hard to believe this is the same iconoclast who once wrote so eloquently about french-kissing George Bush.

I FOUND MY FIRST GREY HAIR THIS MORNING

Fuck.

Is there any reason to

Is there any reason to hold off on the nuclear option?

SO I WAS RIGHT AGAIN

Biden it is.

I hope McCain picks Mitt Romney for his VP, so they can continue the house debate, with two homes versus 17 or whatever.

MY VP PREDICTION

Okay, I've a new one. I've become really excited by the possibly of... Hilary Clinton! It would be exciting. It seems like all of Obama's options are unexciting, and Clinton sure would keep things exciting. And this race needs more excitement!

MY VP PREDICTION

Guiliani. Our country needs unity, and a transvestite ex-mayor. Do it, Obama.

THIS HAS BLOWN MY FRAGILE LITTLE MIND

Imagine a form of life so unusual that we cannot figure out how it dies. That’s exactly what researchers are finding beneath the floor of the sea off Peru. The microbes being studied there — single-celled organisms called Archaea — live in time frames that can perhaps best be described as geological. Consider: A bacterium like Escherichia Coli divides and reproduces every twenty minutes or so. But the microbes in the so-called Peruvian Margin take hundreds or thousands of years to divide.

I don't appreciate it when bloggers I like make fun of John McCain for being a fan of ABBA. I like ABBA. They're great. I think the world would be a better place if McCain used "Take a Chance on Me" as his campaign song.




Check out the hilarious showmanship in that video. They really don't look like they know how to perform live, in their awkward attempts to work the crowd. I love the silver -- is it mesh -- that Benny and Bjorn are wearing, and it's pretty cool just how sweaty Frieda -- and yes, I had to google which one was Frieda, but my hunch was right.

I liked this comment from something called "Movie Guy" at Matt Yglesias' blog (this part of it, at least): "It was [in Florida] that he met his next wife, Cindy, while still married to Carol. Of course, he remembers this song well as it happened in 1976, the year that Abba released Dancing Queen." The rest of his comment is dickery, but he understands why people like music.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

This is amusing. If Paris Helton started making massive ad buys, I'd start tp respect her.

HEH

BARACK HITLER OBAMA

I laughed out loud at this line from Ross Douthet:

Here's a tip for liberals: If your candidate is going to stage enormous rallies in front of tens of thousands of chanting Germans (with monuments to Prussian military might in the background) in the middle of his Presidential campaign, it isn't the GOP's fault if the footage comes out looking a little like Hitler at Nuremberg.

A CYNICAL CRACK ABOUT THE LAST LECTURE

I haven't watched the video, because it is so very long, but today my boss gushed about this line: "'We have these ideas, we have a couple of ideas. This idea here is very safe. This idea here is risky.' He said, 'Go for the risk. It's better to fail spectacularly then to pass along and do something which is mediocre.'"

I replied, "that's a pretty ironic statement from a man who made his living as a college professor."

Not that you can tell from thiss picture, but seeing an elephant in the morning is considered good luck in some cultures.

WHERE CAN I GET ONE OF THESE $500,000,000 BILLS?

Not one of these, obviously. One of the new ones. It'd sure be nice to be a billionaire.

I'm at The Dark Knight

I'm at The Dark Knight waiting for the 8:15 screening to start. Sixty years of superhero movies reach their culmination tonight!

What does this mean?

MAN DOES THIS MOVIE LOOK GOOD

My Big Fat Sisters Wedding
Uploaded by waldo05

MY NEXT FILM WILL LAST 200 YEARS

More than 1,000 music-lovers showed up on Saturday, July 5, in a German town to hear a change of note in the longest-running and slowest piece of music ever composed. Eccentric US composer John Cage (1912-1992) planned his composition to last 639 years, meaning more than a dozen generations of musicians will be needed to play it on an automatic, as-yet unfinished organ at Halberstadt, Germany.

Entitled ORGAN2/ASLSP, it began in 2001 and has so far reached its sixth note. The second part of the name means "as slow as possible."

Neighbors have got used to the monotonous tone coming out of the former Church of St. Burchard, which was used as a pig-sty in the communist years of East Germany. At first the all-day-and-night tone sounded something like an air-raid siren.

The audience hushed on Saturday as two more organ pipes were added alongside the four installed so far and the tone became more complex at 3:33 p.m. local time. The second of the new pipes is set to kick in this November. A machine keeps the sound coming out.

Since some notes will not be needed for decades, pipes need only be added when donations suffice.

Organizers in Halberstadt rejected questions about what it all means.
"It doesn’t mean anything," one of them said. "It’s just there."
Other works by avant-garde composer Cage include one piece that consists of four minutes and 33 seconds of silence.

MY NEW JOURNALISTIC CRUSH

Marie Colvin. She looks like Cate Blanchett and lost an eye to grendade shrapnel. Bad ass.

The joy I felt upon reading the news of Jess Helms' death -- I actually cheered -- was quickly lessened by this sickening observation from the article:

He joins the second and third presidents of the United States – Thomas Jefferson and John Adams Jr. – who both also died on Independence Day.

I actually uttered, "Ugh."