Last reprinted in 2002, here we go again, a greatest hit, a blast from the past. Just in case you were wondering why Bush missed his National Guard physical in 1974. I have an amusing story about Kerry from back in the day, which I'll recount as soon as I can verify my addled recollections against contemporary notes (Just a suggestion for Senator Kerry -- if you're going to visit Studio 54 with Margaret Trudeau and Andy Warhol, it's a probably a good idea not to let a gossipy writer tag along, no matter how adept he is at making duplicitous reassurances of confidentiality. Ah, the Seventies...).

Jesus Christ...

... that's what George W. Bush said when I offered her to him. Man, I'm running for president, he said. What am I doing here, he said.

I motioned with the revolver. Go ahead and have a piece, I said. It don't cost nothing.

Animal House, George said. 

We both laughed. 

You got any more of that great toot? Dubya said. 

Yeah I said. Go ahead.

Off me, bitch, George said, roughly turning the cock-hungry Dominican off his crown jewels. I'm gonna get me some nose candy. He leaned across me to get to my cocaine. He leaned almost close enough to kiss him, so I did. It was a sweet moment, although one destined to never be repeated. 

Republican Presidential Nominee George W. Bush narrowed his eyes at Heather. Now bitch, he said. It's your turn...