Thursday, October 31, 2002

I don't agree with your politics, and I'm not nuts about your nationality.
Emily's Obnoxious Move of the Day

Scene: Westfield NJ

Emily and two female co-workers jaywalk through traffic to get to the Jolly Trolley Tavern. For lunch. Polite man in car rolls down his window and asks "Do you know the way to the Garden State Parkway?"

Emily: We do not have sex for money.
Dave Miller participates in a hilarious message board thread.
Email excerpt of the day: Do you have any fun plans for tonight? I implemented my wear-black-and-bring-my-witch-hat-to-work plan, and it has been very successful. People are impressed that I have a costume, yet I can take it off and be costume-less very easily.
Halloween. Ah, the memories. When I was about five years old, my family lived in Presque Isle, Maine. I supposes if I'd been a teenager, it would have been dreadful, but for someone who barely knoew how to read, it was okay. I lived there when the Star Wars Holiday Special aired. Anyway, back to Halloween. I just glanced at an article online titled "Hallowween Isn't What It Used To Be." Maybe it is because I haven't had a chance to trick or treat in fifteen years, but I agree. I don't sense the climate of fear that used to exist around Halloween. Not fear on a national, epic level, but fear of razorblades in candy, that sort of thing. I suppose hospitals still offer to x-ray candy, but I sense it is half-hearted. My family had a ritual where my parents would inspect the candy, removing anything not hermetically sealed. In Maine, our next-door neighbor was an old woman named Goldie. Rumor and superstition had it her husband was buried under the wooden cross in her back yard, although for some reason, I seem to recall it was actually her German Shephard. For Halloween, she handed out popcorn balls one year. That same year I dressed as Spider-man. My costume was one of those old mask and apron affairs, and looked absolutely retared. Certainly it looked nothing like Spider-man's costume. It was like the costume company had rights to the name but not the design. The popcorn balls looked really good. Looked good, I say, because I never tasted one. My parents chucked them right out into the garbage. And they knew where they were from. I wonder what my parents knew about Goldie that we didn't.
At 11:00 someone walked into the office for a 12:00 meeting. See, he was messed up by daylight savings time. It's been five days. How did he get through the week?
Send me your breasts.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Fuck. I was hoping for a freak show.

Page Six

VH1 has pulled the plug on the "Liza & David" show after weeks of frustration trying to deal with David Gest - a svengali who continually restricted access to his new bride, Liza Minnelli.

"We discovered what a lot of people already knew: David Gest is impossible to work with," said a source close to the aborted reality show. "David Gest redefines the term 'control freak.' He was almost insane."

The heavily hyped cable show was originally supposed to debut Dec. 8, then was pushed back to January. Yesterday, VH1 lawyers wrote to Gest's lawyers informing them the deal was off because Gest had breached the contract repeatedly.

"In light of your . . . inability to cure these breaches, it is with great regret and sorrow that we must notify you that we have no choice but to terminate the agreement," the letter states.

Rob Weiss, VH1's head of East Coast programming and development and one of the show's executive producers, told PAGE SIX:

"We've made the decision not to move forward with the 'Liza & David' show on VH1. Although we continue to believe that Liza is an amazing talent, we were not given the cooperation that we were promised."

Weiss would say no more, but insiders said Gest:

* Kept Minnelli locked in their apartment. "She'd want to come out to shoot, and he wouldn't let her," said one source.

* Banned Liza from watching dailies.

* Made the crew take off their shoes and wear surgical booties inside the apartment.

Gest was such a "neat freak," insiders said, he once ordered a female member of the VH1 crew to stick her head in the oven to examine some dirt.

Another time, Gest made a crew member stand with a portable vacuum cleaner while a hole was drilled in a plaster wall.

But the worst problem was lack of access. "This went beyond creative differences," said our insider. "He canceled us about 20 times. He had a bodyguard stand outside to keep the crew out."

Gest would call producers as late as 2 a.m. and everything would be worked out, "but he'd break every promise in the morning," our source said.

Producers didn't get inside to start setting up until three days before an Oct. 21 party Gest threw, and never saw the guest list - Dominick Dunne, Isaac Mizrahi, Lynn Wyatt, Sandra Bernhard, Liz Smith and Cynthia McFadden - in advance.

Ray Charles and Luther Vandross both performed, but Gest refused to give the microphone to chart-topping teen Michelle Branch or Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child.

"Gest refused to listen to our producers," our source said. "He thought he knew best."

Monday, October 28, 2002

I saw The Ring on Friday. It's an urban legend piece, sort of like Candyman, in this case featuring a video that after you watch it, the phone rings, telling you you have seven days to live. And then you die a week later. The delightful Naomi Watts, who didn't even get nominated for an Oscar for Mulholland Drive, stars as a reporter on the story, and who must have a death wish to want to pursue a story like that.

It scared the shit out of me. I practically spent the whole film on the lap of the guy sitting behind me. Having a beer with my friends afterwards felt like one long group exhale. And that was despite some of the more ridiculous parts of the movie. The video in question was art-school goth crap, and the idea of a spectral dead girl waiting for the answering machine and leaving a message was silliness up there with Hannibal Lecter's job search in Hannibal.

I hear the original Japanese version of The Ring is much better; if I see it I might end up giving birth.

Maybe I'm just whimping out in my old age or something.
I think we can all learn one thing. Don't even think about trying to enjoy musical theater while the Chechans are enslaved.
Mourners stone to death killer driver

Monday, October 28, 2002 Posted: 3:36 AM EST (0836 GMT)

JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (Reuters) -- A reckless driver killed six people when he hit a group of mourners, prompting surviving funeral-goers to stone him to death and try to set fire to his body, police said.

The driver crashed his BMW at speed into the group, which had just attended a funeral in the northwestern Limpopo province town of Klipgat on Sunday, and then tried to drive on, police Inspector Tyron Seate told Reuters on Monday.

He said four people were killed instantly and two more were pronounced dead on arrival at hospital, adding to the toll of thousands who die through reckless driving on South Africa's roads every year.

The mourners were so angry with the BMW's driver, who tried to drive on after the crash, that a crowd of about 500 hauled him from his car, stoned him to death by the side of the road, and attacked police who tried to stop the mob burning his body.

"When the police arrived on the scene to arrest him, we were also stoned by these people, and they fired shots towards us," Seate said.

"They didn't want police to intervene and rescue the driver. They had put him inside the boot of the car and were about to burn him...We had to use rubber bullets and tear gas to disperse them."

Seate said members of the mob were too angry with police to answer questions about the crime. "We can't even talk to the witnesses because they are so furious with us."

An investigation into the incident was underway.

"A case of murder has been opened, as well as one of culpable homicide...I think the investigating officer will try and make a case against those who killed the driver," Seate said.

Friday, October 25, 2002


The people at Stuart's Coffee House remember John Allen Muhammad as a quiet chess player who never wanted to be apart from his big, stuffed, heavy U.S. Army duffel bag.

At this point, nobody can prove that the bag Muhammad was lugging around contained the Bushmaster AR-15 rifle that police found in his car when he and 17-year-old John Lee Malvo were arrested at a Maryland rest stop early Thursday. By the end of the day, ballistics tests had tied that weapon to the bloody East Coast sniping spree that left 10 people dead.

But federal court records filed in Seattle indicate that Muhammad owned the weapon in question in May 2000, well before he and Malvo arrived in Bellingham.

The Rev. Al Archer, director of the Lighthouse Mission where Muhammad lived off and on for months, remembers him as a guy who made a good first impression - too good.

"On the surface he was squeaky clean," Archer said. "He was almost too good to believe. I kind of quit believing."

After he got to know Muhammad better, Archer grew so suspicious of his odd behavior that he suspected him of being part of a terrorist organization, and he called the FBI. But that was in October 2001, in the aftershock of the World Trade Center massacre, and Archer doesn't think he got the feds' attention.

"I felt they probably threw the note in the trash," he said.

Mystery bag

At Stuart's, 1302 Bay St., suspicions were never aroused to that extent. Quirky people are hardly a novelty there, employees said.

Nobody ever got a peek inside Muhammad's duffel bag, but singer Hannah Parks, who often performs at Stuart's, said it seemed a lot heavier than it would have been if it only contained clothes. She also thought it sometimes made a metallic sound when Muhammad moved it around.

Mark Wendover and Ellie Savage, who work nights at Stuart's, said Muhammad wanted to take the duffel into the restroom with him, even though that's against the rules because of management's concerns about drug dealing. That didn't deter Muhammad.

"He snuck it into the back bathroom where we couldn't see it," Wendover said.

Although Muhammad spent time at the homeless shelter, he sometimes flashed a wallet thick with currency, and showed off expensive-looking watches and gold bracelets, Parks said.

At the mission, Archer said, Muhammad would stay for a few days and then leave, saying he was traveling to Denver and New Orleans, among other places. The odd part was that Muhammad was traveling by airplane. Archer learned that when an airline ticket agent called the mission asking for Muhammad.

"At the mission, not many airline agents call and ask for residents," Archer said.

Muhammad's frequent flier status seemed odd to other people. One of them was Greg Grant, a real estate agent in Bellingham who owns and manages an apartment complex about two miles south of Sumas on Highway 9. Last year, Grant said, he would often drive residents of Lighthouse Mission - including Muhammad on several occasions - to the apartments to do yard work and other chores, then back to the mission once the work was done.

Once, Muhammad told Grant that he had to travel a long distance, possibly to Jamaica or the Cayman Islands in the Caribbean, to sign some papers on a land sale, Grant said. Grant said he wondered why Muhammad would fly to do that when the job could be handled by mail.

In the post 9-11 climate, Archer felt it was worth a call to the FBI.

"I felt like he was part of an organization. I felt like he had some connection with terrorists. ... I said he's got connections somewhere with somebody who's got money," Archer remembered telling the FBI.

He also contacted Bellingham police with his concerns.

"We both agreed there was something not right, but there was nothing they could nail him with," Archer said.

Archer said he can't help but wonder what would have happened if his concerns had been taken more seriously.

"I always figured we would read about John in the news," he said. "He was involved in something. He wasn't just an average, ordinary guy. ... If he had been stopped at that time, a lot of people would be alive who are not."

Visit by mother

Also in the fall or early winter of 2001, Archer said he first made the acquaintance of Una James, who told Archer that she was Malvo's mother. Archer said she arrived in Bellingham with five packing crates of belongings.

"She said she had come bag and baggage to Bellingham to try and get her son back," Archer said.

But James had immigration problems. When she tried to check into Agape Women's & Children's Home, the mission's lodgings for homeless women, immigration agents were waiting to take her into custody. She eventually got back to Bellingham and was reunited with Malvo, Archer said. But it didn't last long.

He was sketchy on details, but at some point James and Malvo were arrested again in Seattle, and Malvo eventually was released and wound up with Muhammad again. James eventually made it back to Bellingham to reclaim her five packing boxes from the mission warehouse, but she then left the city for good, without her son.

Earlier warning?

Another indicator of possible danger arose when Muhammad and Malvo reportedly began talking to people about violent plots. Bellingham lawyer Patrick Lackie said a client of his, Harjeep Singh, met Muhammad and Malvo and struck up a friendship while exercising at Whatcom Family YMCA.

But Singh was soon put off by the men's "anti-American statements," Lackie said. They also spoke of violent plans, but offered few details, the lawyer said.

"At some point, they had told him that they wanted to make a silencer and wanted to know if he would help them," Lackie said. "And they had said they had plans to shoot police.

"He didn't know if it was real or not, or if it was just talking big," Lackie said. "He really didn't know them. They seemed like decent guys on the outside."

Singh told the men, whom he knew as John and Lee Muhammad, that he didn't know how to make silencers for guns, and didn't want to be involved in their plans, Lackie said. He then distanced himself from the men, Lackie said.

In June, when Singh was arrested on a disorderly conduct charge, he told police about the conversations with Muhammad and Malvo, Lackie said. The police told the FBI, he said.

"They never told him they were going to do what they have just been accused of doing," the lawyer said. "They never told him of any specific plan, they basically conveyed ideas to him about things that they wanted to do or thought about doing.

"He didn't know if they were just huffing and puffing and mad at the government. But they said some bad things and obviously he thought enough of it that he told police about it."

Singh didn't think Muhammad and Malvo had anything to do with the sniper shootings near Washington, D.C., until he saw their photos on television Thursday, Lackie said.

According to federal court records, Muhammad told a former Army buddy four months ago that he tried to equip an assault rifle with a silencer.

Bellingham Police Chief Randy Carroll confirmed that Singh told police and FBI agents months ago about conversations he'd had with Malvo and Muhammad.

"It was pretty much just general information and certainly did not give us any indication that Mr. Malvo or Mr. Muhammad's future would lead them to where they are today," Carroll said. "The information he gave us did not lead us to a criminal investigation and in fact did not lead us anywhere."

The FBI and police went back and talked with Singh on Wednesday, Carroll said. He said Singh gave different information from what he said earlier, but would not elaborate.

"I think that Mr. Singh is trying to position himself in this community to be a bigger part of the totality of the circumstances than he truly is," Carroll said.

Kept to themselves

Besides the occasional issues with the duffel bag, Muhammad and Malvo didn't cause any trouble at Stuart's Coffee House, employees said. They mostly kept to themselves; they played chess, often until midnight closing time; and didn't mingle much, even with other chess players.

"I don't think I ever saw either of them smile," Savage said.

Muhammad was quiet and Malvo, whom Muhammad referred to as his stepson, seemed almost speechless.

"I thought (Muhammad) might be beating up his son or something because he (Malvo) was so intimidated by everything," Parks said. "The kid did not talk."

Some of Muhammad's ex-in-laws told the Associated Press that Muhammad was keeping the teen-ager on a diet of crackers, honey and nutritional supplements, and had earlier kept an older son on a similar martial regimen of exercise and spartan diet.

While Muhammad seldom called attention to himself, Parks also said Muhammad gave her some unwelcome attention. He almost seemed to be following her around, she said. Whenever she was at Stuart's, he would be there. When she moved her singing act out onto downtown streets, Muhammad would nearly always appear a few minutes later.

Muhammad also pestered her for her address and phone number, telling her that he was a music producer and he wanted to help her career.

"I asked him for a business card and he said he didn't have any," Parks said. "He said he played the trumpet and he had all these connections ... but he looked like a homeless guy, so it was sketchy."

Parks also said Muhammad tried to get her into conversations about politics and religion, subjects she said she prefers to avoid. He seemed even more interested in those subjects after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, she said.

Although Parks wasn't interested in hearing his views at length, she does remember that "he definitely talked about how he wasn't into America."

He also passed out pro-Islamic fliers on the street from time to time, she said.

While local authorities have said they believe Muhammad and Malvo left Bellingham for good about nine months ago, after his last stint at Lighthouse Mission, Wendover and Savage are nearly certain the pair were at Stuart's around April and May. And Parks insists they were there as late as June.

She remembers Muhammad trying to convince her to drive cross-county with him. But her interest in that proposition was zero.

"Anybody with that much money who's roughing around on the street, you gotta wonder about," she said.
Entertaining Assessment in Slate today of Kim Jong Il, North Korea's current Dictator For Life. Unfortunately, they negelect his frequent, sometimes pornogrpahic fan letters to American actresses, but there's this:

Like many sons, Kim didn't always want to follow in his father's footsteps. What he really wants to do is direct. Kim's video library reputedly contains between 15,000 and 20,000 films, and in 1973 he wrote a 300-page book on film, titled On the Subject of the Cinema. In a less academic vein, he authorized the separate kidnappings of a South Korean movie director and his wife in 1978. After keeping them apart for five years (with neither knowing of the other's whereabouts), Kim reunited them and explained that he hoped to turn North Korea into some kind of East Asian Hollywood with their help. The three made six movies together before the two captives escaped, including one that won a best-director award at a Czechoslovakian film festival. In a 1994 interview with the Los Angeles Times, the liberated actress-wife said Kim could have been a top-notch movie producer had fate not led him down the path of totalitarian dictatorship. "We nicknamed him 'micro-manager,' " she said. "He pays attention to everything. He keeps track of everything. He is simply amazing."
Policewoman Makes Blind Date to Nab Thief

Oct 23, 9:13 am ET

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German policewoman snared a wanted criminal after she arranged a blind date with him, police said Tuesday.

The policewoman found the 29-year-old man's mobile phone number and landed a date after flirting with him, said a police spokesman.

"It all began as a wrong number call, which then turned into a conversation, and eventually a date in a bar downtown," he said.

The criminal -- wanted in the town of Recklinghausen, north of Cologne, for crimes worth a total of three years behind bars if he is convicted -- not only fell for the ploy, but turned up "all dressed up," he said.

The policewoman arrested the man at the end of the date, surrounded by other police officers who had been posing as fellow revelers.

The police spokesman could not confirm whether there had been mutual attraction. He said: "In any case, it was all purely professional."
Talk Dirty to Me

Things overheard at the STD clinic
by Paul Demko

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Something for the ladies, the email of the day:

CAKEByte - The G-Money Shot

For the past generation getting the word out on female sexual pleasure meant unveiling the clitoris as a primary female pleasure spot and thus the surest way to orgasm. In emphasizing its inherent usefulness, there arose some heated debate about the difference between orgasms that came from external stimulation vs. internal stimulation - with some going so far as to refer to the internal orgasm as a myth. CAKE is here to tell you that there is no reason to mythologize the truth...but then again, why spend your time looking for the proverbial unicorn when you can find the white horse.

Though there has not been nearly enough research to announce groundbreaking results that will change the face of human sexuality - there has been a bit of research done on the g-spot since it was "found" by Dr. Graftenwhosehisname in 1950. In present times, the most recent hypothesis by some is the proposition that the external clitoris that we all know and love is actually, anatomically a large (4 or 5 inches) internal organ that wraps around the vaginal canal and stems all the way down the thighs! A figurative wishbone structure begging to be handled correctly. Who knew? The clitoris is an animal waiting to be stroke from the inside!

But don't fret - you don't have to choose. Further research shows that the g-spot - elusive to some and well known to others - is not entirely unrelated to the clitoris and that stimulation of one can mean stimulation of the other. Some experts have gone so far as to say that it is time, again to focus on internal stimulation and discover how the g-spot - and ejaculation as a result of g-spot stimulation - is the primary pleasure goal.

Hey, we're not here to fight. In fact, these recent developments in female pleasure mean a girl has got some options. And if you don't know the facts, you can't get the job done.

Let's review.

The G-spot:

The medical profession has accepted the g-spot or as they like to say the 'female prostate' as a real and functioning female organ that ejaculates. The g-spot itself is commonly known to be a bean-shaped area on the front wall of the vagina, about 1.5 inches above the opening.

It is known that the main component of the g-spot is the urethral sponge tissue, which surrounds the female urethra and which swells during sexual arousal. When swollen, this tissue can, in some women, be felt and stimulated through the vaginal wall in the area described as the g-spot.

The urethral sponge develops from the same embryonic stem tissue as the prostate gland in men (which is the organ affected by stimulating the "male g-spot"), and some of the secretions observed in female urethral ejaculation during g-spot orgasms are chemically similar to male prostate secretions.

The tissue swells during arousal. This may stimulate nerves in the area, and may also involve the internal portions of the clitoris. So the swelling of the tissue can produce pleasant sensations. Stimulating the tissue, commonly by pressing it through the vaginal wall, can further stimulate it

"Since the prostate in most women is ramp shaped and located just at the opening to the urethra and runs along the urethral canal about 1/3 of the way in, one can easily claim they are 'clitorally stimulating and ejaculating', when in fact they are also stimulating their g-spot." - Says Deborah Sundahl (aka Fanny Fatale) in her new book, 'Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot', due out from Hunter House in December.

How to find your G-spot:

Using a finger (or two,) go inside and feel along the front wall of the vagina. Once inside, rest your fingertips on the slightly ridged area just behind the pubic bone and press upwards lightly. Move your fingers subtly until you start to feel a small bean-shaped swelling. Vary the pressure, speed, and pattern of movement. Try moving your fingers side to side or in small circles. Point your fingers more sharply upwards and rock them forward and back. Use your thumb to rub the clitoris, and the first two fingers to simultaneously stimulate the g-spot. Repeat often, alone or with a partner.

Tip: When the g-spot is stimulated, it swells. You can see your g-spot, even its ridges, by getting a clear plastic speculum and turning it sidewise once it is inserted into the vagina. One of the best positions for many women to stimulate the g-spot with a partner is the classic - wheelbarrow position on your back with your legs over your head.

How to ejaculate:

According to a random study, supposedly 20% of all women have the ability to ejaculate. However the actual mechanism and physiology is not definitively known. More research is undoubtedly needed....In any case, yes, women have the potential to ejaculate. (No blushing boys.)

"Women can learn to ejaculate by themselves without an orgasm by stimulating the g-spot with their fingers and then pushing out the ejaculate. Most women will feel an urge to pee, but that urge is ejaculate knocking on the door, not urine! Strong and healthy PC muscles (pelvic muscles), amount of stimulation, and ability to relax and not fear one will pee will allow a woman to ejaculate and often determines its amount."
- Deborah Sundahl.

Again, knowing our bodies and learning and exploring its potential should be the message here.

The clitoral truth? Well no one really knows for sure. Much more research needs to be done. There are scores of women out there who tell us that all they need is a few strokes on their external clitoris (can take as little as 30 seconds!) and boom - a mind blowing 10 second orgasm that rocks their world. Other women like to stimulate the clitoris and g-spot at the same time for maximum pleasure. As far as CAKE is concerned, it is not an either or situation, but rather it's all about YOUR pleasure - so figure out what gets you off and explore your orgasmic potential. Go seek out your own "G money shot."



The Smoking Gun comes through with a whole mess of documents about the alleged Sniper.

He regularly threatened to "destroy" his wife. "Destroy." Are you fucking kidding me? "Kill," "beat," "maim" or "disfigure" I can understand. But "destroy"? That's supervillain shit.
If you're a geek with a sense of humor that runs toward the minutae, then Seanbaby's Superfriends Page will strike you as a work of genius. Sheer fucking genius. I'm ashamed I can't come up with anything this good myself. I'm enjoying this site more than any white man has a right to. I have a cramp from laughing at this.

So today, I'm coattailing.

The Super Friends somehow stayed alive for 10 years by hiring people who could talk to fish, match a cape to their underwear, and turn into a bucket of water. They fought everyone from supervillains to dolls from space to insane altruists who decided that making giant unstoppable mutant fish and running the Earth into a comet was the best way to solve our "food shortage."

Superman: Name one problem that a bat-shaped boomerang could solve that Superman couldn't solve in one billionth of the time. Besides helping the elderly who want to have sex with a bat-shaped boomerang, and good luck finding one of those-- I've tried. If Chuck Norris' copdog sidekick had all its legs removed and then you glued its mouth shut, you have a vague understanding of how useful the rest of the team was to Superman.

Auquaman: You know how sometimes you get upset that the people policing your neighborhood are a bunch of fat donut critics who spend most of their time trying to trick you into speeding tickets? It could be worse. They could be Aquaman.

Batman: If the Super Friends were fighting an army of robots, Superman would melt hundreds by looking at them, Samurai would tornado them into space, and Firestorm would turn the rest into pretty balloons. They always had to save one for Batman, though, who would spend five minutes working out a complicated pulley system with his batropes to tie one up, and hope it breaks when he bonks it gently into a wall. Thanks, Batman, we couldn't have done it without you.

Robin: Batman named everything after himself. Even if he just hopped over a rock, he'd call it a "Bat-Hop." And when it was Robin's turn, the name didn't change. Batman didn't let him call it a "Robin-Hop" or even a "Robin-Fag-Hop." Robin didn't have any Robin-lasers or Hydraulic Robin-Presses, when he swung his cape around, he didn't call it the Fashion Robin-Twirl. Everything he did was a sad imitation of Batman, and Batman made sure of it. It got to the point where the Super Friends stopped talking to him. If some miracle happened and Robin got a chance to save someone, they'd look right past him and thank Batman. Probably because Robin looked like a circus clown halfway through getting dressed; I wouldn't talk to something like that either.

Wonder Woman: If the people making the show remembered, Wonder Woman had an unbreakable magic lasso too. It broke about once a week, and she left it lying around even more than that. Most times, it caught up with her by the next scene, though. One of her favorite attacks was to throw the thing around a monster's neck, turning it into a monster with a rope dangling from its neck. Then it usually wandered off with her rope. The lasso magically forced people to tell the truth, but no villains were smart enough to lie anyway. You didn't even need to interrogate them, they gave away most of their plan on accident anyway. "My satellite's force beam, that can only be stopped by the access code 1-2-3-4, is turning the world into my slaves!" And maybe it's just me, but when a sexy woman in trampy hot pants and a halter top ties me up, I'm done playing games. When we were sharing drinks earlier, I told her I was captain of the olympic diving team and that I won a Nobel prize in Penis, but now... it's time for blunt, sexy, dirty talking honesty. If that kind of situation can't drag unmitigated truth out of you, nothing ever will, double-o-seven. I wouldn't lie to Wonder Woman, the only thing the lasso would do to me is get me uninhibited enough to go through with my idea to sing Barry White at her.

Wonder Twins: Every time they ACTIVATED THEIR WONDER TWIN POWERS, you were going to see something stupid. Jayna could turn into any animal she could pronounce, but Zan got screwed. He turned into water or things made out of water. Like a wave or a water raincoat. Most times he just chose "water" and splashed into a purple mess.

Apache Chief: It's insulting enough that they made Apache Chief a complete idiot, but I'm surprised they didn't have him selling fireworks out the back of the Hall of Justice. I guess they thought pausing four minutes between each word was Indian enough. Now that I mention it, I don't think he was Apache or a chief. His name doesn't make any damn sense. That's like putting a white guy on a team of Native Americans and naming him "Minnesota President."

The Flash: Flash had to be a joke with the female super heroes. According to lifestyle magazines, men average about 60 seconds in bed before they climax. That's probably bullshit, since it's about 10 minutes shorter than even the most honest man would ever admit to. But even if the 60 seconds crap was true, that would be 6000 years for the Flash, and that's too long to try to think about baseball. The Flash is probably done before the sound of his apologies can reach Wonder Woman's ears.

Green Lantern: I'm not kidding, his weakness was the color yellow. You might think he'd try to keep something like that secret, but there is nothing Green Lantern liked to talk about more. He'd wave a fist at the bad guys and shout, "Justice will prevail today, villains! Unless you learn that my power energy cannot affect that which is yellow!" And to make Green Lantern the most unlucky person in the universe, his nemesis Sinestro had a ring that made things that were yellow. That's like twin brothers fighting, only one gets baseball bat with spikes and has a giant purple head.

Black Vulcan: In the seventies, when you were black, your super hero name needed to remind us. If Captain America was black, he wouldn't have been a captain. They would have called him Blackman America and he would have only fought crime in discos.

El Dorado [who?]: To make up for his gay powers, El Dorado didn't speak English very well. But not in the same way normal people do. He did fine with complex words and phrases, but every time he got to a word that a moron might have learned in their first week of Spanish class, he slipped into his native tongue. It could be that in his extensive lignuistic studies El Dorado forgot to learn our word for "yes," or it could be that his dialogue was written by morons in their first week of Spanish class. Either way, it helped teach children about new cultures and immediately associate those new cultures with the magnificently idiotic. So if two white kids were trying to decide how racist to be, they could watch the Super Friends and say, "less than this."

Samurai: First off, Samurai wasn't a samurai. He just brought a picture of one with him when he went to Supercuts. And second, I don't think he was Japanese either. He really wanted for us to think he was, but he was about as Japanese as a 10 inch penis.

Hawkman: How does a person dressed like a duck get so delusional? Any mirror he walks past has to remind him he's a moron.

Lex Luthor: If Lex Luthor can be a super villain, anybody can. He put together a team made out of a clown, an eskimo, a zombie, a monkey, and a chick in cat pajamas. The last time a team like that got put together was when the special olympics put on an updated-for-the-nineties production of the Breakfast Club. Most people wouldn't throw a quarter to a group of freaks like that, but Lex took them up against the Super Friends. He's paved the way for egomaniac high school dropouts with no powers to put on spandex and take over universes. You know, people like Oprah or the Backstreet Boy that shakes his ant farm.

Bizarro: Bizarro wasn't just a stupid Superman. Bizarro am idiot savant. He may go into his garage saying, "Me Beezarro go now bathroom explore! Make Beezarro newsPAPER PI-rat hat FOR super birth-DAY dance!", but he's going to come out with a nucleoid space-time reverberator ray that runs on air and has an attractive mock-leather carrying case. This is a guy who can play with a gum wrapper for nine hours, and he's inventing things that could kick the crap out of Stephen Hawking's wheelchair. He's like those autistic kids that can factor huge numbers and recreate any music they hear, or like those fat people that can levitate if they believe in themselves hard enough. Bizarro was an inspiration. If someone that stupid could invent a laser blaster, think of all the people we could kill with our fancy education and working brains.

Grodd: Lex Luthor knew that if he was going to have a serious chance against the Super Friends, he needed an animal on the team. Cheetah was pretty close since her pajamas had a tail taped on to the back of them, but Luthor still had his heart set on a real super-powered animal. He held open call tryouts and interviewed a bear with the super power of bike-riding, a jellyfish that smelled like peach, a dog that could count, and a sheep whose asshole could hold 9 firecrackers. But even with all of those qualified applicants, he decided on a gorilla that could talk.

Braniac: The Super Friends were always hiring unqualified people. Hawkman, Hawkgirl, and Robin were all just crappier versions of superheroes that already worked for them. But they're good guys. You can understand them hiring their cousin superheroes as favors or letting people in for public relations. The Legion of Doom shouldn't care about shit like that. It seems weird they're spending their mornings enslaving and murdering innocent people and then coming home to make sure all their idiot friends have jobs.

Black Manta: Black Manta never had a chance from the start. His arch nemesis was Aquaman for Christ's sake. I know 40 year old people still mopping up spilled eggs in aisle 12 that set their sights higher than that. Black Manta is like the guy that comes into the bar and picks a fight with the smallest guy he can find. He thinks he's going to have it easy -- all the fun of kicking someone's ass, with none of the stress of them being tough enough to stop you. The only problem is that most little people know they're little and they have big friends. And Aquaman has has the biggest friends on the planet. Of all the stupid thing's Lex Luthor's done, I still can't believe he thought he needed to hire someone to counter Aquaman. In the middle of his career, Black Manta changed his outfit's color and was regular Manta. I'm pretty sure this was to get a fresh start. You can only lose to Aquaman so many times before the clerk at 7-11 has no problem ignoring you when you demand the money in the register.

Giganta: Lex Luthor was a smart man. He knew he had to counter Apache Chief's slow monotone voice and growing ability if he was ever going to conquer the universe. Also, when you were a villain in a cartoon, eventually one of your plans would get stopped unless you could beat the Super Globetrotters in an intergalactic basketball game. But that's not why he hired Giganta. Luthor just thought it'd be cool to see pair of panties big enough to live in.

Solomon Grundy: He was a zombie, so I'm assuming he ate brains. Did you ever wonder why the Legion of Doom was so stupid? It might be because Solomon Grundy is sneaking around their Darth-Vader-Head base at night with a spoon and snacking on their heads. It's probably why they're all insane too. You wake up in the middle of the night with a giant zombie sticking a spoon in your ear, and see how coherent you are in the morning. Grundy's a selective eater, though. He left everyone enough brain to walk around and talk, but he ate the part that helps remind them to wear pants.

Scarecrow: His only ability, unless you count "highly flammable" as an ability, was having grenades that made people afraid of things. I'm sure he'd seem like a real asset to a carnival spook house, but when you're a terrorist organization made up of a gorilla and Solomon Grundy, fear is already on your side. No one's going to say, "Hi there, giant gorilla and Frankenstein! I see you brought 11 murderers with you OH MY GOD DON'T HORSEPLAY NEAR THE POOL! Please, I've got this thing about the water."

Riddler: The Legion of Doom had everything they needed. A bald guy, a gorilla, and a robot in its underwear. But somehow the world still ignored them when they ran outside and declared themselves absolute dictators. That's when the guy in the back wearing green pantyhose said, "What if we told everyone what we were going to do before we did it?" Perfect. It was a little bit more evil than their previous idea of NOT telling everyone their plans, and a lot better than their idea before that -- Tree House.

Darkseid: Darkseid was the Super Friends arch-nemesis for the last season of the show. That was the season when it was still crappy enough to suck, but not quite crappy enough to be good. Darkseid was never very creative with his plans to conquer us. Not like how Brainiac would train kittens to mind control us and get us to steal a super-laser for him that turned us into sandwiches. The Super Friends had to do the most ridiculous things to stop shit like that. The Bat computer would tell them to dress up like penguins and get a crystal from the center of a planet in another dimension, coat it in chocolate, and jam it in Aquaman's ear when he's not looking. Darkseid would just shoot at us with space ships. The only plan the Super Friends have to come up with is: Punch Spaceship. Nice plan Darkseid. The Super Friends might be complete morons in tights, but at least they'll probably think to try that.

Boy, this sure has been a news month of millenial proportions, huh? North Korean nukes, snipers, musicals being held hostage, gay senate candidates, blue senate candidates, Bande a part being released on DVD, Star Wars on IMAX, forty years of darkness, earthquakes, mass hysteria, human sacrifice... It's all guns, drugs, and fucking in the streets.

If it weren't for that picture of Bjork, I'd have given up a long time ago.
In rehearsal last night, the director asked that we dedicate our art to the 1,000 hostages at the Moscow. At the time he thought there were 150 hostages. No, sir. 1,000. Good think this isn't Bombay; the cast alone of the musical would have exceeded 1,000.

I wonder how many of them were tied to their seats before the Chechens arrived?

Blasts rock Moscow theatre

At least two explosions have been heard near a Moscow theatre where Chechen rebels have been holed up with 500 hostages for nearly 24 hours. \

The Russian news agency Itar-Tass said the noise was the sound of grenades being fired by the gunmen at two young women escaping from the building, but the report has not been confirmed.

The blasts occurred shortly after Russian authorities declared that a female hostage had been shot dead.

Police in Moscow told the BBC they believed that the woman, in her twenties, was killed while trying to escape during the night. Her wrists and fingers had been broken, they said, contradicting earlier statements that she had died of an illness.

But a spokesman for the Chechen hostage-takers insisted in a telephone call to the BBC that none of the hostages had been harmed, reiterating however that his group was prepared to kill.

Shortly before the woman's body was carried out of the building, the hostages appealed directly to Russian President Vladimir Putin to settle the crisis by meeting the rebels' demands.

"We beg you to take a sensible decision and to halt military actions in Chechnya. There have been enough wars," heart specialist Maria Shkolnikova said in a brief appearance outside the theatre on behalf of the hostages.

"Today we have ended up in a life-or-death situation. We have parents, brothers, sisters and children. We greatly value their lives. We beg you to resolve the issue by peaceful means," she said, reading out a hand-written letter.

The rebels said they would start shooting hostages if the authorities failed to act on their demand for a withdrawal of troops from the breakaway southern republic of Chechnya, where Russian forces have been fighting separatists since 1994.

The gunmen released as many as 200 members of the audience, mainly women and children, shortly after bursting into the building in south Moscow. And on Thursday morning they let a British man, three children and a woman go.

But Russian MPs negotiating with the hostage-takers say they appear to have no plans to release any more, and that the situation is deteriorating.

Some of the hostages, said deputy Valeriy Draganov, were now in a very "serious condition", worsened by the fact that the rebels were refusing them the hot food which the authorities had offered.

Many of those still being held inside the theatre have been tied to seats.

However, Mr Draganov said there were no plans at present to storm the building.

In his first televised statement since the drama began, President Putin said the attack had been planned in "foreign terrorist centres", and ordered his security chiefs to ensure the release of the hostages unharmed.

The BBC's Caroline Wyatt in Moscow says the crisis is a major humiliation for Mr Putin. He has cancelled a trip to the Asia-Pacific summit in Mexico on Saturday, where he was due to meet US President George W Bush.

He has also been forced to put off visits to Germany and Portugal.

Two other Britons are reported to be among the hostages, along with seven Germans, four Americans, two Canadians, two Austrians and two Dutch citizens. Ambassadors from several countries are now at the scene.

The audience had been watching a performance of the hit musical Nord-Ost when the drama started.

US President Bush has telephoned Mr Putin to offer America's support.

A senior Russian Government official, Alexei Volin, said the security forces had two priorities: to save the hostages and make no concessions to the attackers.

But the Russian authorities have reportedly told the rebels that they will guarantee them safe passage to another country if all the hostages are freed unharmed.

Confirming that the security service had made contact with the group, Mr Volin rejected the idea that the hostage-takers could force a withdrawal from Chechnya.

"Hostage-taking does not stop wars, it fans them even further."

So they caught the sniper. Figures. They investigate leads 40 miles from where I live, and the guy lives EIGHT miles from my parents' house. Jesus.

This has got to be one of the stupidest mass-murder cases on record, at least the stupidest since those cops dragged a 14-year-old boy back to Jeffrey Dahmer to be eaten. That illiterate police chief has somehow made my old coke-buddy George W. sound intelligent. It's hard to pick a favorite part of the buffoonery. Was it Moose's defensive, "Don't blame me, I couldn't understand the calls" press conference? Was it the conclusion that after rousting and deporting two illegals, that the reason no more witnesses were coming forward was fear of deportation? Good times.

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Have you ever wondered about the Amish? Maybe been a little curious? Well, so has my friend Emily, and she found an Amish FAQ.

"Do the Amish practice shunning fellow church members?"

"The term "church members" means those who are baptized as adults and voluntarily commit themselves to a life of obedience to God and the church. Yes, those who break their baptismal vows are shunned by the Old Order Amish. "Belonging" is important and shunning is meant to be redemptive. It is not an attempt to harm or ruin the individual and in most cases it does bring that member back into the fellowship again. Actually, the number of members excommunicated and shunned by the Amish is small.

The Biblical basis for shunning is found in these two verses: "But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat" (I Corinthians 5:11)

"Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and of fences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them." (Romans 16:17)

The families of a shunned member are expected to also shun them. Families shun the person by not eating at the same table with them. The practice of shunning makes family gatherings especially awkward."
The MacDonald's Cartoon

An actual rap from this:

My name's Ronnie M and I'm here to say...
I'm getting damn tired of yer food fightin' ways!
Please put down that grub, and lidden to my song...
Yo yo space freaks! Can't we all just get along?
My hair's bright red and I wear giant shoes...
My favorite Greek gods were Apollo and Zeus!
I wish y'all would stop yer hatin'...
You're making me mad, this clown HATES regulatin'!
I knew it.



October 23, 2002 -- Christina Aguilera has made a confession sure to disappoint some of her male fans - she'd rather not date white guys.
"I want the boys with the 'flava!' He's got to have some flava and edge to him," the pop tart tells the upcoming issue of Rolling Stone.

Christina - who appears topless on the cover of her new album "Stripped" - also blasts actress Jennifer Love Hewitt for her penchant for Caucasian men.

"She wants a bunch of white boys I don't want . . . I would scare the s- - - out of her if she came to one of my sleepovers," she says.

But perhaps fearing a backlash of criticism over her views, the busty blonde adds: "I don't discriminate because of color. I actually dated my first [white] one recently."

And if that revelation doesn't jolt her audience, perhaps this little tidbit will - the hitmaking hottie has pierced her private parts and now wears a diamond-covered ring between her legs.

My good buddy, Pat Moriarty, just received a Fellowship Award from Artist Trust, the organization where I work. Pat received the sole Fellowship awarded in the Design category. Each recipient will receive an unrestricted cash award of $6,000. The award recognizes an artist’s creative excellence and accomplishment, professional achievement and continuing dedication to their artistic discipline.

And I didn't even have to help him. Fuck, that's cool.

Way to go, Pat!

I like how he is naming names of the officials who are ignoring him, and how this Moose guy is getting all defensive about it. HE WON"T BE IGNORED!

Angry Missive Complains of 'Ignored' Calls
By Sari Horwitz and Carol Morello
Washington Post Staff Writers
Wednesday, October 23, 2002; Page A01

An angry letter found tacked to a tree behind a restaurant where the sniper wounded a man last weekend complained of six failed attempts to reach police, and threatened more killings -- of children in particular -- if millions of dollars were not deposited in a bank account within two days, according to law enforcement sources.

The letter listed half a dozen calls that had been "ignored" by operators answering phones at the command center in Rockville, the Montgomery County police station and the FBI. It even named some of the people who had taken his calls.

They had hung up, the letter stated; that was "incompetent."

"Five people had to die" because of it, the letter said, according to one law enforcement source who has seen a copy of the letter.

The letter gave a deadline of Monday for the money to be deposited in a bank account, the source said. Several people who had seen photocopies of the letter said the amount demanded was $10 million.

The letter warned investigators that if they were more concerned with "stopping" the killings than making an arrest, they should follow the orders precisely, or else there would be "body bags," said a source.

And it ended with an even more ominous postscript, officials said:

"Your children are not safe anywhere at any time."

The handwritten letter running at least three pages was found sealed and wrapped in plastic in the woods behind a restaurant in Ashland, Va., after Saturday's attack, several sources said. The letter was neatly printed on lined paper and included a number of grammatical errors, including sentence fragments and misspellings, said sources.

Sources said the letter also included a phrase written on a Tarot card left at the scene of the shooting in Bowie on Oct. 7: "I am God."

The discovery of the letter, which police are convinced was written by the sniper who may have killed his 10th victim yesterday, was the impetus for an extraordinary series of veiled public messages to the killer delivered by Montgomery Police Chief Charles A. Moose.

Moose appeared before cameras five times in 48 hours to deliver explicit if sometimes cryptic messages to the man he believes is the sniper -- appearances that followed a series of missed opportunities to communicate.

The letter was found sometime after the Saturday night shooting of a traveler who was hit once in the abdomen as he walked with his wife to their car behind the Ponderosa Steakhouse off Interstate 95 in Ashland, just north of Richmond and 80 miles south of Washington.

It is unclear on what day the sniper began his attempts to call authorities.

One law enforcement official said the man believed to be the attacker failed to get through at least three separate times.

A follow-up call went through, but an FBI trainee who answered the phone did not recognize the call for what it was and cut the conversation short, the official said.

"The individual taking the call did not understand the importance of what was happening," the law enforcement official said. "She pretty much blew him off."

One official described the caller as "extremely angry." The caller, he said, used such phrases as "Just shut up and listen," or "Hear me out," or "I am God," or "I'm in charge."

There was some delay in reacting to the letter because it was sealed and analysts were checking it for evidence, sources said.

When officials finally opened the letter, they found a telephone number that the writer said police would receive a call on, at a specified time Sunday, sources said.

Investigators soon discovered that there was a problem with that phone number, and it took them more time as they tried to straighten it out.

Before the officials had finished their work, the time for the call had passed, several sources said.

So at 7:10 p.m., Moose made the first of his five public appeals to the attacker:

"To the person who left us a message at the Ponderosa last night, you gave us a telephone number. We do want to talk to you. Call us at the number you provided."

Monday morning, a person police believe to be the sniper called again, according to sources. This time police traced it to telephones in the vicinity of an Exxon station in suburban Richmond.

Police dispatched a SWAT team to secretly watch the area. By about 8:30 a.m., an undocumented worker pulled a white minivan up to the phone and started making calls. Another man, also a laborer in this country illegally, was waiting nearby.

Some minutes later, local police decided to move in and grab both men, in a scene that was carried on cable news networks and for a short time provided hope of a break in the frustrating case.

About this time, investigators in Rockville were struggling to understand the message the caller had left that morning, officials said. It was a tape-recorded message played into the phone, sources said, and parts of it were unintelligible.

At 10 a.m., Moose again went before the cameras with a plea for more time to respond:

"We are going to respond to a message that we have received. We will respond later. We are preparing that response at this time."

Six hours later, at 4:15 p.m., Moose returned to the cameras and asked for another call. "The person you called could not hear everything you said. The audio was unclear and we want to get it right. Call us back so that we can clearly understand."

At 6 a.m. yesterday, a Montgomery County bus driver was fatally shot in Aspen Hill, not far from where the string of shootings began Oct. 2. Authorities believe the slaying was committed by the sniper.

Sometime before 4:40 p.m., police received another communication.

At 7:15 yesterday evening, Moose addressed the sniper again.

"In the past several days you have attempted to communicate with us. We have researched the option you stated and found that it is not possible electronically to comply in the manner you requested. However, we remain open and ready to talk to you about the options you have mentioned. It is important that we do this without anyone else getting hurt. Call us at the same number you used before to obtain the 800 number you have requested. If you would feel more comfortable, a private P.O. box number or another secure method can be provided. You indicated that this is about more than violence. We are waiting to hear from you."

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Is there anything more insane on the internet than the Official Bob Crane Website? Seriously. Maintained by his son, Scotty Crane, the site features career highlights of the the star of Hogans Heroes, and photos of Bob Crane with famous people like Mary Tyler Moore and Dick Van Dycke. In the members section, it includes Crane's home-made porn movies. There's also a shot of Bob naked. I refuse to link to that. But it is in the free section.

I don't know, if my famous father lead a twisted, perverted double life that led to a squalid death, I may hesitate before I try to make a profit off of the merchandise from his sordid proclivities. But that's just me.

The following is a public service announcement.

Mike Taylor --- Countdown to Decency

On October 22 Mike Taylor announced that he would reenter the race for the US Senate. In a moving and powerful speech he declared that he would join the Montana Republican Party to champion the cause of clean campaign activities in an effort to help stem the tide of sleazy, shameful campaign tactics that are eroding the great American political process. The full text of his speech follows.

Mike Taylor begins the "Countdown to Decency"

On October 10th I suspended my campaign, facing continued damage to my family, the destruction of my reputation, and possible negative repercussions for my party and my entire state.
As I left, my heart was on the verge of breaking, to see the great work of democracy reduced to the slime, lies, and misrepresentations.

I went home and I prayed -- for my family, my friends, and for all people of Montana who were hurt by the slanders and suggestions about me.

The message, then, became clear.

My campaign for Senate might be destroyed. My reputation might even be destroyed. But if I must go down, it should be in a good cause.

My cause is this: that even if the rest of the nation descends to gutter politics, Montana shall be safe from it.

I felt someone had to take a stand against the process of slander and gutter politics, or not only would good people not run for public office, good people would not even vote.

Had I made the right decision?

I prayed. I took hundreds of calls, emails, cards and letters from people who urged me to get back in the fight. And a scripture taken from Psalms 140:11 got stuck in my head and would not get out: "let no slander be established in the land."

What would my forefathers do - those salt of the earth people that settled the west? Would they just walk away? No way.

After conferring with my wife, my children, my family, the decision was made that I must come back - not just because I want to be a Senator, but because I want to make a statement about decency.

Today, I will take my place as part of a broad effort to bring decency back to politics. I want to serve in the U.S. Senate. But I won't go to the gutter to get there.

I'm joining a bus full of other people who care enough about our state to speak for dignity. We're calling the next thirteen days the Countdown to Decency. For the next thirteen days we will let the voice of decent, ordinary Montana citizens be heard.

I am here for one reason and one reason alone: to send a message against mudslinging. I want to save democracy from the smear campaigns.

I realize that our effort is David vs. Goliath - the people vs. the muckrakers. They may have 10 times more money than we do, but Montanans have 10 times more integrity than them.

We all, as Montanans, can play a part. We can take back our political system in the name of decency, dignity, and respect.

We can take part in this crusade. I urge people to do so. When the bus comes to your town, come meet it. Join the Countdown to Decency.

When you get a chance, spread the word: we're cleaning up politics, and driving out the mudslingers.

And if you see mudslinging - if you watch a commercial that's a smear tactic - then vote the people responsible out of office.

By smear tactic, the ads placed against me are what I mean. Max Baucus is the standard bearer of the Democrat party, and those are the standard he carries. Shame on Max!

If Max's gutter politics were allowed to carry the day, this country's political process, which I love, would become a ghost of our once proud heritage.

I realized something, as I reflected last week: those people who ran that ad, they don't care about the cost.

They don't care that fewer people vote. They don't care that good people won't run. They don't care that people get hurt. They don't care about the truth.

They only care whether or not they win, even if everyone else in Montana has to lose.

That made me sick, that made me sad, and it made me mad. Montana is worth more than that.

It's time for us to take charge - we, the voters and the citizens.

Decency. Dignity. Respect. These are the quiet virtues - ideals that fade into the background in our world of neon signs and blaring ads and slick Washington cocktail parties.

They do not seek notice, they do not shout their value from the rooftops - they are the humble virtues.

But civil society cannot work without them.

Montana deserves dignity in our leaders. Mike Mansfield was a decent man. He earned us respect in the nation and the world.

But look at the ads Max used. Decency? Dignity? Respect? This flyer destroys them - casts them aside like garbage.

If Mike Mansfield knew what Senator Baucus just did to the political process, he would shed a tear for the good name of our state.

Montana deserves better. I'm here to send a message, and I hope the voters will help me carry that message on November 5.

Mudslinging is wrong. Gutter politics is wrong. They are destructive to decency, dignity, and respect. Winning at any cost might be winning to Max Baucus, but that is not winning to the rest of us in Montana.

They corrode the heart of our civil society.

This election cycle, you can vote against them. You can do it by voting against Max Baucus. Send a message, make a statement, and vote . Keep Montana clean. God Bless.

Got a call last night from the President. He doesn't sound good. C.D. he says, You gotta help me. His voice is a low, shallow croak.

Whoa, slow it down, Dubya, I say. What's the deal? You can talk to me, man. You gotta talk to me.

There's silence at the other end of the line. I hear sobbing. Jesus, it's fucking late. Two in the morning for me. What time is it for him? Five o'clock? Where the fuck is he? Fuck, he's in Washington, D.C.! Fuck, he's the President right now! What the fuck is going on? Dubya man. Calm down. Say something. Can you say something?

I did it again, C.D. I did it again.

Don't call me that George. Don't. Fucking. Call. Me. That. I don't fucking care if you are the fucking president, I will kick your fucking ass.

I gotcha man, I'm tripping, I'm lonely. I got this girl I got this guy, I didn't know it would come to this. I'm the fucking president! You know, it's so hard to go out by myself. I only get a few minutes and I gotta make it count. I come in here. I don't know. They can't see. I just wanted a little taste. Just a little. Don't you know what I'm saying?

I shake my head, as much to shake the grog of sleep away as to indicate no, I don't know what the fuck he's saying. Man, I don't know what the fuck you're saying. You gotta slow down. Are you on something.

MOTHER OF FUCK! President Bush yelled. I jerk the phone away from my ear. Fuck! I'm on something! I'm on something good! I'm on Jesus Christ! It’s the best shit ever. He changed me life! It's so beautiful, David. One little mother fucking mistake. One fucking thing. One fucking thing. Can you help me man, can you help me?

I'm confused. Help you what, man?

The bitch, the birch went and did. Why won't she get up. I won't stop sweating. I just can't stop sweating. WAKE THE FUCK UP! She isn't my daughter, Dave. I don't know who the fuck she is. Been lying to me all those fucking years. Not even twins. Shoulda fuckin known. Should fuckin. I thought she loved me. Daddy... [sobs]

Christ, George, I say. Are you back on the monkey? I'm sure she still loves you. (I don't know who she is.)

Uh, hold on a second, the President says. I hear Bush put the phone down. I wait. I listen. I hear papers shuffling. I hear voices. I hear the fate of the nation being decides by white men in blue suits and bright colored ties. Put it there, I hear. Iraq. Not there! Don't look there. Thanks. Sorry Mr. Pres- Just put it on the [garbled] desk. On the edge. On the fucking edge! Dave, I'm back.


You there? Sorry. I'm sorry. Remember how we used to call Saddam Pinto?

I remember George. How could I forget Harvard?

I miss him.

He's cool, Dub. He understands.

We had good times, didn't we, Dave? Didn't we?

I sighed and looked at my clock. I had to be at work in three hours. I needed to sleep at least two of those. We did, George. We sure did.

I love you, President George W. Bush says to me.

I love you too, George.

Let's get together real soon.

Count on it. Goodbye.

I hang up the phone. What the hell is going on over there? Is he on the blow? Is there a dead girl? An unconscious one? Who is she? Why can't he stop sweating? The questions linger. They linger still. That crazy, mixed-up sonofabitch. He's the President of the United States.


Jesus Christ.
I was at a friend's house this weekend. He's been bankrupt and out of work for some time now. He's taken to re-creating the trailer for 8 Mile on home video, with himself as the real Slim Shady. He wears a yellow raincoat, a black cap and a bandana. Yes, he is insane.
Vanity Fair continues to deliver. Great article this month on rock star drug use. "Churning through a shelf of rock-star memoirs, the author identifies the five stages of drug meltdown that turned so many talents into vegatables with entourages. There's something wrong with music culture when even self-immolation has a familiar beat."

Those stages? Initiation. Intoxication. Enthrallment. Enslavement. Accptance.

Great anecdote about Ike Turner. Well, every anecdote about Ike Turner tends to be great. Apparently, he was pulled over after stuffing his car trunk with, not Tina, but towels, dinnerware and coffeepots stolen for the Beverly Hills Hotel. The manager said, "Ike, I'd have given you this shit, man."

Contains this priceless quote: "For Marianne Faithfull, barbituates and lesbian wrestling intertwined when she was seduced at the age of 17 by a pint-size maiden named Saida -- "Exquisite, like a little figure in an Indian temple -- who melted Faithfull's resistance, assuming she had any, with a Tuinal." I dream of having something like that written about me one day.
A maniac with a blog.

Monday, October 21, 2002

Mary Lynn Rajskub, who plays one of Adamm Sandfler's sisters in Punch Drunk Love, has an insane web site.
I don't care if it makes me sound like a pregnant chick. Deep-fried twinkies are the way to go. I'm not even stoned and they sound good.

Deep-Fried Twinkies
For Twinkies:

6 Twinkies
Popsicle sticks
4 cups vegetable oil
Flour for dusting
For batter:

1 cup milk
2 tablespoons vinegar
1 tablespoon oil
1 cup flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
Chill or freeze Twinkies for several hours or overnight.

Heat 4 cups vegetable oil in deep fryer to about 375 degrees.

To make batter: Mix together milk, vinegar and oil. In another bowl, blend flour, baking powder and salt. Whisk wet ingredients into dry and continue mixing until smooth. Refrigerate while oil heats.

Push stick into Twinkie lengthwise, leaving about 2 inches to use as a handle, dust with flour and dip into the batter. Rotate Twinkie until batter covers entire cake. Place carefully in hot oil. The Twinkie will float, so hold it under with a utensil to ensure even browing. It should turn golden in 3 to 4 minutes. Depending on the size of your deep fryer, you might be able to fry only one at a time, two at the most.

Remove Twinkie to paper towel and let drain. Remove stick and allow Twinkie to sit for about 5 minutes before serving.

Makes 6.

Variation: Slice Twinkie into 4 pieces. Flour and batter each before frying. With this treatment, one Twinkie will serve two people if accompanied by a sauce.

-- Source: Janet K. Keeler, Times food editor

Berry Sauce
1 10-ounce jar of seedless raspberry preserves
1 cup fresh or frozen mixed berries
In a saucepan, heat preserves over low heat until melted. Add 1 cup of fresh or frozen mixed berries. Heat until sauce just simmers. Cover; refrigerate until served.

Makes 11/2 cups.
So, who's excited about the Kurt Cobain diaries? Personally, I'm inclined to leave the poor bastard alone, not just out of pity, but also because sulking rock stars tend to be atrocious, self absorbed writers. It's basic diary stuff: "Chris and Shelli broke up. God Am I relieved! She is still living in Tacoma and Chris is temporarily staying in Aberdeen for free at his moms. Im very content with the relationship Chris, Chad and I have, we get along great and have a lot of dedicated fun. We are becoming very well received in Seattle&other places in Wash. Promoters call us up to see if we want to play, instead of us having to Hound people for shows. Its now just a matter of time for labels to hunt us down, now that weve promoted ourselves pretty Good by doing small remote tours. OK. enough about the band.
"Ive got a janitor job working with this older guy cleaning 4 restaurants. Pays cash under the table part time."

I like the condesending reference in the article header about Cobain's "erratic spelling and grammer" -- like the handwritten first drafts of Newsweek writers are always fucking pristine.

There's an article on MSN about the "contraversy" surrounding their release. In an early-afternoon dose of biting irony, posing rock-and-roll dickswinger Bono is quoted at length.
Saw Punch Drunk Love yesterday. At last, a decent Adam Sandler movie. Actually, I find it strange that critics seem to be relieved, as if Sandler is finally living up to his questionable talent or at least they don't have to keep beating up on him. Who cares?

Sandler plays Barry, a bizarre loser who is prone to mumbling and fits of violence; i.e. he is playing himself again. Somehow Emily Watson, sweet, beautiful Emily Watson falls in love with him, and practically has to knock this retard over the head with a sock full of wet sand to get him back to her place. But yeah, they meet cute and stay cute throughout the picture, despite problems with a Utah family running a crooked phone sex line. There's a trip to Hawaii as well.

It was a good movie. I'm not sure Paul Anderson was exactly motivated by the prospect of making a good Adam Sandler movie so much as he was motivated by the prospect of making 8% of the gross from a good Adam Sandler movie, but it still works. It 's more Fellini-esque than Altman-esque. Anderson benefits from not being so damn serious for a change. I wouldn't give a lot of creedence to people who refer to Sandler's untapped depths; he's almost out of his league. But since the movie is constructed around Sandler, it holds together.

I never thought I'd say this, but there were times I related to Sandler. He has seven sisters, interfering harridans who constantly inturrupt him at work with truncated, demanding , pushy questions. Okay, I only have one sister like that, but she calls a lot, so it seems like seven. It's okay, I like her; I'm just saying I can relate.

This film continues Emily Watson's degradation. Three weeks after audiences watched her fellate a serial killer in Red Dragon, we watch her tumble into the fourth circle of hell, or in bed with Adam Sandler. I wonder how many stalkers she has?

Friday, October 18, 2002

I was listening to Rush Limbaugh on the way to work this morning. Discussing (or declaiming about, I guess) the North Korean nuke situation, Limbaugh mused, "I wonder what the Clinton Administration is going to do about this now?" I wonder when conservatives are going to get it through their heads: CLINTON ISN"T PRESIDENT ANYMORE! Jesus. The Clinton Adminstration won't be doing anything, because there is no Clinton administration. From the way right-wingers talk, you'd think Clinton was running some competing presidency. Let it go, guys.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

It's situations like this the 1964 Voting Rights Act were designed to address.

Prosecutors Charge 95 People With Registering to Vote Using Small-Town Strip Club as Address
By Steve Karnowski Associated Press Writer
Published: Oct 17, 2002

COATES, Minn. (AP) - Prosecutors charged 95 people with forgery Wednesday for an alleged scheme in which they all registered to vote using the same address: a strip club recently shut down by city officials.

Most of the alleged forgers lived outside the town. The scheme, in which the club's owner also was charged, could have given club supporters a political majority in the town of 163 people. The mayor and two council members are in contested races next month in Coates, where 79 voted in the 2000 general election.

"It's shocking to see such a blatant attempt to undermine the most fundamental pillar of our democracy - our right to vote," Dakota County Attorney James Backstrom said.

Club owner Richard J. Jacobson, 32, of Prescott, Wis., was charged with conspiracy to commit forgery and conspiracy to commit unlawful voting for allegedly orchestrating the scheme. The other 94 were charged with forgery and conspiracy to commit forgery. All the charges are felonies, and each carries a maximum sentence of three years in prison.

Backstrom said he believed some of the defendants were employees at the club, called Jake's, but thought most were customers who might have been duped into signing the registration cards.

A federal judge ordered Jake's closed last week for violating the city's law regulating sexually oriented businesses.

Reached at the club, Jacobson declined to comment.

His attorney, Randall Tigue, said under Minnesota law county auditors are supposed to notify people believed to be registered improperly. It's fraud only if those people then try to vote.

"I think that it is real clear that no crime has been committed," he said.

Coates is about 15 miles south of St. Paul.
I made the cover of the Stranger this week.

That's my hand right under the green arrow on the top right.
From Page Six: BOBBY Brown was solo and out of control Monday night during Usher's birthday party at the Highlands club in L.A. Whitney Houston's husband spent most of the evening in the club's upstairs room. But when Usher took the stage to thank his guests for coming, an "out of it" Brown "stumbled down the stairs" and approached him. "Bobby got down on his hands and knees and started bowing to Usher," said one eyewitness. "Usher invited him on stage and told the crowd, 'Here's my man Bobby Brown, the original king of R&B!' and they hugged." But after the hug, Brown "went all Jekyl & Hyde" on Usher and started screaming, "You need to respect me! You took my spot! You are taking away my shine! I should be on stage, not you!" A shocked Usher had to call security to escort Brown away when Houston's hubby tried to fight him on stage. Vivica Fox, Cris Judd, Lauryn Hill, Shaquille O'Neal, L.A. Reid, JaRule, and Nick Carter looked on stunned before Usher broke the silence by grabbing his girlfriend Chilli for a dance.


Also, there's an item about how Geoffrey Rush kept getting moved around to different tables at Nicky Hilton's birthday party to make room for more age-appropriate celebrities like Toby Maguire. I wonder about any event with a guest list that includes Toby Maguire and Geoffrey Rush. Shit, I would have felt old at that party.

"Goodbye Stranger"

It was an early morning yesterday
I was up before the dawn
And I really have enjoyed my stay
But I must be moving on

Like a king without a castle
Like a queen without a throne
I'm an early morning lover
And I must be moving on

Now I believe in what you say
Is the undisputed truth
But I have to have things my own way
To keep me in my youth

Like a ship without an achor
Like a slave without a chain
Just the thought of those sweet ladies
Sends a shiver through my veins

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I'll never look behind me
My troubles will be few

Goodbye strange it's been nice
Hope you find your paradise
Tried to see your point of view
Hope your dreams will all come true
Goodbye Mary, Goodbye Jane
Will we ever meet again
Feel no sorrow, feel no shame
Come tomorrow, feel no pain

Now some they do and some they don't
And some you just can't tell
And some they will and some they won't
With some it's just as well

You can laugh at my behavior
That'll never bother me
Say the devil is my savior
But I don't pay no heed

And I will go on shining
Shining like brand new
I'll never look behind me
My troubles will be few
Goodbye stranger it's been nice etc...

"Don't Stop Believing"

Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

A singer in a smokey room, the smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night, it goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill, everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice, just one more time
Some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on



Don't stop believin', hold on to that feelin', streetlight people
Don't stop believin', hold on, streetlight people
Don't stop believin', hold on to that feelin', streetlight people... (to fade)
Well, I've found a place to get gear for the henchmen in my evil organization.

Check out these styles:

And an assasin's blade for the ladies:

There's even bulk discounts!

Now I just need some sleek, stylish furnishing for my island fortress.
This article promises good times ahead. I have to wonder, though, who wrote this piece of shit? It's like it was written by a retard.

N Korea 'admits nuclear programme'

North Korea has admitted that it has a secret nuclear weapons programme, US government officials say.

North Korea's secret nuclear weapons programme is a serious violation of North Korea's commitments

American officials said the North Koreans told a visiting US delegation earlier this month that they no longer felt bound by a 1994 accord, under which they agreed to halt their suspected weapons programme in return for American aid.

The North Korean confession made the US administration conclude that negotiations with Pyongyang were impossible for the moment, US State Department spokesman Richard Boucher said.

"The United States and our allies call on North Korea to comply with its commitments under the Non-Proliferation Treaty and to eliminate its nuclear weapons programme in a verifiable manner," Mr Boucher said.

But he added that Washington was seeking a peaceful resolution to the situation and called on the "peace-loving nations in the region to deal effectively with this challenge".

South Korea President Kim Dae-jung described the matter as "grave" but said he believed the North wanted to solve the issue through dialogue.

US-North Korean relations have always been fraught

The Japanese Prime Minister, Junichiro Koizumi, called on Pyongyang to "erase nuclear suspicions honestly". But Japanese officials said normalisation talks with North Korea would not be derailed.

Reclusive North Korea is one of three states dubbed an "axis of evil" by US President George W Bush, along with Iran and Iraq.

However, in recent months there has been a thaw in Pyongyang's dealings with the outside world.

Earlier this month Mr Bush sent Assistant Secretary of State James Kelly to North Korea for security talks.

North Korea reportedly confessed to its nuclear programme after Mr Kelly presented American documentary "evidence" on the issue.

James Kelly reportedly produced evidence of the plans

At first the North Koreans tried to deny the evidence, but eventually "they acknowledged they had a secret nuclear weapons programme involving enriched uranium," one official said.

"By acknowledging that, the agreed framework was essentially nullified," he said, referring to the 1994 Agreed Framework under which in return for halting its weapons programme North Korea was given US assistance in building two light water reactors.

US officials say the Bush administration is now consulting with its allies and Congress before deciding what to do in light of the revelation.

After news of the North Korean confession emerged South Korea urged Pyongyang to abide by international anti-nuclear agreements and to try to resolve the issue through dialogue.

"All these issues should be resolved through dialogue and peacefully, and we will continue to strengthen co-operative consultations with the United States and Japan," South Korea's Deputy Foreign Minister Lee Tae-sik said.

"The South Korean Government will raise this issue in bilateral South-North dialogue channels," he added.

Recently both South Korea and Japan have adopted a policy of engagement with North Korea.

After months of tension the North and South have resumed talks aimed at reconciliation on the peninsula, which was divided at the end of the Korean War.

And last month Junichiro Koizumi became Japan's first prime minister to visit the North.

During his visit North Korea made the startling admission that it had kidnapped a number of Japanese citizens in the past for use in their spy programme.

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

The hits just keep on coming. I know how hard it can be when you're jealous of your model girlfriend. Well, I can imagine how hard it can be. Well, I guess I can't imagine. Never mind.

Troyer's Insecurity Drove Him to Drink

imageInsecurity drove Austin Power star Verne Troyer to go on a drinking binge over unfounded fears his model girlfriend Genevieve Gallen was cheating on him. The pint-sized actor, who plays Mini Me in the spoof spy franchise, has remained insecure in his relationship with Gallen, and is desperately worried he will lose her. A source says, "Verne really had no reason to think Genevieve was cheating on him, but he is insecure at times and worries she will leave him for someone else." In an attempt to rid himself of the problems, which drove him to a near fatal drinking session, Troyer called his girlfriend and split up with her as he languished in hospital. However a few minutes later he called back to beg her to come back to him. Understanding Gallen says, "He's been under tremendous stress and he turned to other things to relieve that stress - like drinking. Everyone has had family or friends who have had a problem with drugs or drinking. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

JUST to steer away from the ugly homophobia that marks my mockage of former Senator Taylor, here's a description of one day in my life, April 24, 2002:

My day ended is disappointment and squalor. I drove to Fred Meyer, for the express purpose of buying one of the new Star Wars action figures. I end up buying two: the "Kamino Escape Jango Fett" and "Arena Escape Padme Amidala" which might well be called "Bondage Magic Natalie Portman" featuring as it does the young woman CHAINED to a rock and wearing a midriff-revealing top. On the way out, I spy the latest issue of FHM, with the Hilton sisters on the cover. I grab that too. Needless to say, these purchases were paid for at the do-it-yourself aisle with no cashier. My day of shame is now complete.

Here's that action figure:

When is she going to fire her agent for signing off on a contract that would allow that?

And here's Jango Fett:

I'm a nerd, yes.