So today, I'm coattailing.
The Super Friends somehow stayed alive for 10 years by hiring people who could talk to fish, match a cape to their underwear, and turn into a bucket of water. They fought everyone from supervillains to dolls from space to insane altruists who decided that making giant unstoppable mutant fish and running the Earth into a comet was the best way to solve our "food shortage."
Superman: Name one problem that a bat-shaped boomerang could solve that Superman couldn't solve in one billionth of the time. Besides helping the elderly who want to have sex with a bat-shaped boomerang, and good luck finding one of those-- I've tried. If Chuck Norris' copdog sidekick had all its legs removed and then you glued its mouth shut, you have a vague understanding of how useful the rest of the team was to Superman.
Auquaman: You know how sometimes you get upset that the people policing your neighborhood are a bunch of fat donut critics who spend most of their time trying to trick you into speeding tickets? It could be worse. They could be Aquaman.
Batman: If the Super Friends were fighting an army of robots, Superman would melt hundreds by looking at them, Samurai would tornado them into space, and Firestorm would turn the rest into pretty balloons. They always had to save one for Batman, though, who would spend five minutes working out a complicated pulley system with his batropes to tie one up, and hope it breaks when he bonks it gently into a wall. Thanks, Batman, we couldn't have done it without you.
Robin: Batman named everything after himself. Even if he just hopped over a rock, he'd call it a "Bat-Hop." And when it was Robin's turn, the name didn't change. Batman didn't let him call it a "Robin-Hop" or even a "Robin-Fag-Hop." Robin didn't have any Robin-lasers or Hydraulic Robin-Presses, when he swung his cape around, he didn't call it the Fashion Robin-Twirl. Everything he did was a sad imitation of Batman, and Batman made sure of it. It got to the point where the Super Friends stopped talking to him. If some miracle happened and Robin got a chance to save someone, they'd look right past him and thank Batman. Probably because Robin looked like a circus clown halfway through getting dressed; I wouldn't talk to something like that either.
Wonder Woman: If the people making the show remembered, Wonder Woman had an unbreakable magic lasso too. It broke about once a week, and she left it lying around even more than that. Most times, it caught up with her by the next scene, though. One of her favorite attacks was to throw the thing around a monster's neck, turning it into a monster with a rope dangling from its neck. Then it usually wandered off with her rope. The lasso magically forced people to tell the truth, but no villains were smart enough to lie anyway. You didn't even need to interrogate them, they gave away most of their plan on accident anyway. "My satellite's force beam, that can only be stopped by the access code 1-2-3-4, is turning the world into my slaves!" And maybe it's just me, but when a sexy woman in trampy hot pants and a halter top ties me up, I'm done playing games. When we were sharing drinks earlier, I told her I was captain of the olympic diving team and that I won a Nobel prize in Penis, but now... it's time for blunt, sexy, dirty talking honesty. If that kind of situation can't drag unmitigated truth out of you, nothing ever will, double-o-seven. I wouldn't lie to Wonder Woman, the only thing the lasso would do to me is get me uninhibited enough to go through with my idea to sing Barry White at her.
Wonder Twins: Every time they ACTIVATED THEIR WONDER TWIN POWERS, you were going to see something stupid. Jayna could turn into any animal she could pronounce, but Zan got screwed. He turned into water or things made out of water. Like a wave or a water raincoat. Most times he just chose "water" and splashed into a purple mess.
Apache Chief: It's insulting enough that they made Apache Chief a complete idiot, but I'm surprised they didn't have him selling fireworks out the back of the Hall of Justice. I guess they thought pausing four minutes between each word was Indian enough. Now that I mention it, I don't think he was Apache or a chief. His name doesn't make any damn sense. That's like putting a white guy on a team of Native Americans and naming him "Minnesota President."
The Flash: Flash had to be a joke with the female super heroes. According to lifestyle magazines, men average about 60 seconds in bed before they climax. That's probably bullshit, since it's about 10 minutes shorter than even the most honest man would ever admit to. But even if the 60 seconds crap was true, that would be 6000 years for the Flash, and that's too long to try to think about baseball. The Flash is probably done before the sound of his apologies can reach Wonder Woman's ears.
Green Lantern: I'm not kidding, his weakness was the color yellow. You might think he'd try to keep something like that secret, but there is nothing Green Lantern liked to talk about more. He'd wave a fist at the bad guys and shout, "Justice will prevail today, villains! Unless you learn that my power energy cannot affect that which is yellow!" And to make Green Lantern the most unlucky person in the universe, his nemesis Sinestro had a ring that made things that were yellow. That's like twin brothers fighting, only one gets baseball bat with spikes and has a giant purple head.
Black Vulcan: In the seventies, when you were black, your super hero name needed to remind us. If Captain America was black, he wouldn't have been a captain. They would have called him Blackman America and he would have only fought crime in discos.
El Dorado [who?]: To make up for his gay powers, El Dorado didn't speak English very well. But not in the same way normal people do. He did fine with complex words and phrases, but every time he got to a word that a moron might have learned in their first week of Spanish class, he slipped into his native tongue. It could be that in his extensive lignuistic studies El Dorado forgot to learn our word for "yes," or it could be that his dialogue was written by morons in their first week of Spanish class. Either way, it helped teach children about new cultures and immediately associate those new cultures with the magnificently idiotic. So if two white kids were trying to decide how racist to be, they could watch the Super Friends and say, "less than this."
Samurai: First off, Samurai wasn't a samurai. He just brought a picture of one with him when he went to Supercuts. And second, I don't think he was Japanese either. He really wanted for us to think he was, but he was about as Japanese as a 10 inch penis.
Hawkman: How does a person dressed like a duck get so delusional? Any mirror he walks past has to remind him he's a moron.
Lex Luthor: If Lex Luthor can be a super villain, anybody can. He put together a team made out of a clown, an eskimo, a zombie, a monkey, and a chick in cat pajamas. The last time a team like that got put together was when the special olympics put on an updated-for-the-nineties production of the Breakfast Club. Most people wouldn't throw a quarter to a group of freaks like that, but Lex took them up against the Super Friends. He's paved the way for egomaniac high school dropouts with no powers to put on spandex and take over universes. You know, people like Oprah or the Backstreet Boy that shakes his ant farm.
Bizarro: Bizarro wasn't just a stupid Superman. Bizarro am idiot savant. He may go into his garage saying, "Me Beezarro go now bathroom explore! Make Beezarro newsPAPER PI-rat hat FOR super birth-DAY dance!", but he's going to come out with a nucleoid space-time reverberator ray that runs on air and has an attractive mock-leather carrying case. This is a guy who can play with a gum wrapper for nine hours, and he's inventing things that could kick the crap out of Stephen Hawking's wheelchair. He's like those autistic kids that can factor huge numbers and recreate any music they hear, or like those fat people that can levitate if they believe in themselves hard enough. Bizarro was an inspiration. If someone that stupid could invent a laser blaster, think of all the people we could kill with our fancy education and working brains.
Grodd: Lex Luthor knew that if he was going to have a serious chance against the Super Friends, he needed an animal on the team. Cheetah was pretty close since her pajamas had a tail taped on to the back of them, but Luthor still had his heart set on a real super-powered animal. He held open call tryouts and interviewed a bear with the super power of bike-riding, a jellyfish that smelled like peach, a dog that could count, and a sheep whose asshole could hold 9 firecrackers. But even with all of those qualified applicants, he decided on a gorilla that could talk.
Braniac: The Super Friends were always hiring unqualified people. Hawkman, Hawkgirl, and Robin were all just crappier versions of superheroes that already worked for them. But they're good guys. You can understand them hiring their cousin superheroes as favors or letting people in for public relations. The Legion of Doom shouldn't care about shit like that. It seems weird they're spending their mornings enslaving and murdering innocent people and then coming home to make sure all their idiot friends have jobs.
Black Manta: Black Manta never had a chance from the start. His arch nemesis was Aquaman for Christ's sake. I know 40 year old people still mopping up spilled eggs in aisle 12 that set their sights higher than that. Black Manta is like the guy that comes into the bar and picks a fight with the smallest guy he can find. He thinks he's going to have it easy -- all the fun of kicking someone's ass, with none of the stress of them being tough enough to stop you. The only problem is that most little people know they're little and they have big friends. And Aquaman has has the biggest friends on the planet. Of all the stupid thing's Lex Luthor's done, I still can't believe he thought he needed to hire someone to counter Aquaman. In the middle of his career, Black Manta changed his outfit's color and was regular Manta. I'm pretty sure this was to get a fresh start. You can only lose to Aquaman so many times before the clerk at 7-11 has no problem ignoring you when you demand the money in the register.
Giganta: Lex Luthor was a smart man. He knew he had to counter Apache Chief's slow monotone voice and growing ability if he was ever going to conquer the universe. Also, when you were a villain in a cartoon, eventually one of your plans would get stopped unless you could beat the Super Globetrotters in an intergalactic basketball game. But that's not why he hired Giganta. Luthor just thought it'd be cool to see pair of panties big enough to live in.
Solomon Grundy: He was a zombie, so I'm assuming he ate brains. Did you ever wonder why the Legion of Doom was so stupid? It might be because Solomon Grundy is sneaking around their Darth-Vader-Head base at night with a spoon and snacking on their heads. It's probably why they're all insane too. You wake up in the middle of the night with a giant zombie sticking a spoon in your ear, and see how coherent you are in the morning. Grundy's a selective eater, though. He left everyone enough brain to walk around and talk, but he ate the part that helps remind them to wear pants.
Scarecrow: His only ability, unless you count "highly flammable" as an ability, was having grenades that made people afraid of things. I'm sure he'd seem like a real asset to a carnival spook house, but when you're a terrorist organization made up of a gorilla and Solomon Grundy, fear is already on your side. No one's going to say, "Hi there, giant gorilla and Frankenstein! I see you brought 11 murderers with you OH MY GOD DON'T HORSEPLAY NEAR THE POOL! Please, I've got this thing about the water."
Riddler: The Legion of Doom had everything they needed. A bald guy, a gorilla, and a robot in its underwear. But somehow the world still ignored them when they ran outside and declared themselves absolute dictators. That's when the guy in the back wearing green pantyhose said, "What if we told everyone what we were going to do before we did it?" Perfect. It was a little bit more evil than their previous idea of NOT telling everyone their plans, and a lot better than their idea before that -- Tree House.
Darkseid: Darkseid was the Super Friends arch-nemesis for the last season of the show. That was the season when it was still crappy enough to suck, but not quite crappy enough to be good. Darkseid was never very creative with his plans to conquer us. Not like how Brainiac would train kittens to mind control us and get us to steal a super-laser for him that turned us into sandwiches. The Super Friends had to do the most ridiculous things to stop shit like that. The Bat computer would tell them to dress up like penguins and get a crystal from the center of a planet in another dimension, coat it in chocolate, and jam it in Aquaman's ear when he's not looking. Darkseid would just shoot at us with space ships. The only plan the Super Friends have to come up with is: Punch Spaceship. Nice plan Darkseid. The Super Friends might be complete morons in tights, but at least they'll probably think to try that.
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