I wish I had written this amazing Hunter Thompson-esque article about DC war protests. Beautiful stuff.
Some excerpts:
After all, one would be hard-pressed to think of any circumstance not involving a pro-government counter-demonstration in which 40 journalists from major news organizations would attend a 9 a.m. weekend rally involving 80 illiterate morons. To use the Russian expression, crayfish will whistle in the mountains before 80 environmentalists in a park on a Saturday morning draw so much as a college radio intern, much less 40 of the country's heaviest press hitters. The mere presence of so much press at MOVE-OUT was monstrous.
So when I arrived at the scene I thought it would be amusing to count the total number of journalists, as opposed to actual protesters. And wouldncha know it, some members of the working press were offended by the exercise.
"You shouldn't be doing that now," a bearded Reuters hack told me, after suffering the indignity of being counted. "It's too early. The bulk of the crowd won't show up until later. Like around ten-thirty."
"Well," I said. "The Washington Post said this thing was supposed to start at nine. It's now nine-thirty."
"The Post was wrong," the Reuters man snapped. "If you want to be honest, you'll do this later."
"Let me get this straight," I said. "You're actually worried that I'm going to undercount these yahoos?"
"I'm saying," he said, "that if you want to be fair, you'll count when the crowd really shows up."
Next to the Reuters man stood a young blonde woman in black horn-rimmed glasses who identified herself as a reporter for The New York Times. She didn't offer her name, but another reporter there later told me that she was an assistant to Times reporter Lynette Clemetson. She'd been listening to my exchange with the Reuters man and decided to chime in.
"And the important thing isn't the numbers," she said. "This demonstration has more Vietnam veterans."
I shook my head, stunned. "Are you kidding?" I said. "The other demonstration will have a hell of a lot more vets than this one, I'm sure of that."
She frowned. "No," she said. "That one's going to be mostly college students. Kids."
"Maybe so," I said. "But just in terms of sheer numbers.... I mean, even half a percent of 100,000 is going to be ten times more vets than we're seeing here. There are about fifty people here, for Christ's sake."
"No," she said, not convinced. "No, this one will have more."
A third personage, a scrawny redneck protester in a baseball cap and a Gore-Tex face guard, was listening in. "That's the slimiest journalism I've ever seen," he said, jumping in. "You're in here and you're going to count us before we're even here. You wait until ten-thirty, then you'll see how many of us there will be. You're yellow journalism scum."
"Settle down, Beavis," I said.
"You wait until ten-thirty, you liberal bastard," he said.
I shrugged and walked away. An hour later, after suffering through numerous historically confused speeches about our victories over fascists in France and our spectacular, as-yet-unrecognized military successes in Vietnam, I counted all over. The final tally, again, was 80 protesters and 40 journalists—and that included the five-man Guardian Angel security entourage that followed speaker Curtis Sliwa. I sought out Gore-Tex face in the crowd.
"Hey, Chester," I said. "Eighty to forty. Nice turnout."
"Fuck you," he hissed. "We represent the real America."
"You know," I said, "I once went to a Suzanne Somers book signing. There were like three hundred people there. It was a book of poetry."
"Fuck you," he repeated.
"Our troops have always been there for us," he said, "from the time of World War I, when our soldiers beat back the fascists in France...."
I turned to Paul. "France?" I said. "Fascists? What the fuck is he talking about?"
Paul shrugged. "Forget it," he said. "He's on a roll."
I turned around. Behind me there was a man in a mesh baseball hat and glasses listening with rapt attention to Martin and brandishing a lovingly hand-drawn sign that read, painfully, "DISARM SADAM." I moved over to him.
"You're missing a D," I said.
"What?" he said.
"'Saddam' is with two Ds," I said. "You're missing a D."
He looked down at his sign.
"Listen," he said. "I can spell it any ways I want. Faggot."
Thursday, January 30, 2003
Boy, what a week this has been. On Monday, I personally melted my work's email and internet. Also, my medication was causing a psychotic reaction. So, updating this hasn't been on my mind lately. Next week look for reviews of Band of Outsiders, Battle Royale, Blue Crush, and hilarious tales of not being able to find end-of-week drugs. Coming soon.
Friday, January 24, 2003
Just in time for the opening of Confessions of a Dangerous Mind...
The Unknown Comic's Official Web Page!
EDIT: a more in depth viewing of the web page prompted this additional post:
The Unknown Comic's Official Web Page!
EDIT: a more in depth viewing of the web page prompted this additional post:
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Great news from CNN. Not only is the cloned cat not an exact replica of the the original, it looks nothing like her! Ha!
|
|
Rainbow, left, nuzzles the ear of "cc," her clone, on January 8. |
So. Buffy last night. As much as like the the new classroom aspect, I'll admit, it was annoying to hear how many lectures? Four? Jesus. And if the chick from Freaks and Geeks could kill a vampire her first tie out with a flag pole, how come those other chicken shits have been cowering for the last five episodes? Fags. And I was waiting for someone to remind Dawn she was the frickin' KEY, for god's sake. She once had the power to destroy the universe, and she remains to this day a being of mystical energy incarnated as a human, with all of reality warped to keep her there. Not special? Please.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
The Onion rocks again. Sure, this rips off a couple of my ideas, but what the hell, Koreans and giant robots make me laugh.
PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—Responding to mounting pressure and increasingly confrontational rhetoric from the outside world, North Korean president Kim Jong Il unfolded into a 70-foot-tall, 62-ton giant robot Monday.
 |
 |
| Above: Kim Jong Il marches through
the streets of Pyongyang. |
"The DPRK's nuclear program is very much its own business, as is its right to determine its own path of security," said Kim, his torso splitting along ventral seams as clusters of Taepo-Dong ICBMs rose from his shoulders. "Any attempt by Washington to decide our fate will surely result in a sea of fire being unleashed upon them."
As his arms and legs sheathed themselves in bulletproof Mecha-Muscle telescoping outward from his chest, Kim reiterated his refusal to bow to international demands.
"Constant criticism from outside indicates mistrust of our promise to refrain from missile tests," said Kim, speaking over the mechanical shriek of wingblades sprouting from his back. "Only trust from the U.S. that we will keep our word can prevent World War III."
"The imperialist West is holding my country to standards which it does not see fit to meet itself," continued Kim, his voice now a metallic, digitized boom emanating from somewhere within the titanium helmet sheathing his head. "This does not surprise me, as they are well-famed for their lies."
"Pyongyang Dynamo Power Punch!" added Kim, as he released his fist-modules skyward with twin robotic uppercuts.
While the Bush Administration remains publicly confident that a diplomatic solution can be reached, top officials admit that the situation has become more complicated.
|
 |
| Above: A South Korean border soldier
eyes Kim Jong Il in the Demilitarized Zone. |
"If we add Kim Jong Il's transformation into a giant robot to his already defiant isolationist stance and his country's known nuclear capability, the diplomatic terrain definitely becomes more rocky," U.S. envoy James Kelly said. "Kim has made it clear that, if sufficiently threatened, he will not hesitate to use nuclear weapons or his arm-mounted HyperBazooka."
Added Kelly: "We are also forced to consider the possibility that Kim may attempt to robo-meld with other members of the Axis of Evil, forming a MegaMecha-Optima-Robosoldier. Kim would make a powerful right arm—or even a torso—for such a mechanism."
During a visit Monday to the Demilitarized Zone dividing the Korean peninsula, Kim stressed that his transformation was not an act of aggression, but rather an attempt to defend his nation's autonomy.
"The DPRK must not be subject to the whims of an international coalition with no regard for the welfare of the Korean people," said Kim before stomping the ground with his foot, unleashing a devastating ring of energy that vaporized nearby reporters and military vehicles. "Catastrophic Valiant Kim-Chee Earthquake Stomp-Kick!"
What kind of cute are you?
I'm Mysterious Cute!!
Shy and complexed!
Just b/c I steer clear from crowds
doesn't mean I can't be cute!
People are drawn to my private and introverted life.
I'm quirky and one-in-a-million.
I'm Mysterious Cute!!
Shy and complexed!
Just b/c I steer clear from crowds
doesn't mean I can't be cute!
People are drawn to my private and introverted life.
I'm quirky and one-in-a-million.
Friday, January 17, 2003
I'm going to have to rip off this news story for my novel. This is the best news of the weird to come out of Seattle in a long time.
Voters may get to decide whether Eyman's a 'horse's ass'
Friday, January 17, 2003
By DAVID AMMONS
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
OLYMPIA -- Washington voters may get to sound off on whether initiative guru Tim Eyman is "a horse's ass."
David Goldstein, a Seattle computer programmer and technical writer, is pushing an initiative that says "The citizens of the state of Washington do hereby proclaim that Tim Eyman is a horse's ass."
Eyman said he thinks the idea is hilarious, and should garner publicity for his own latest initiative.
"It's stupid and there is no reason in the world why people should be able to put an initiative like this on the ballot," Goldstein said in a telephone interview Thursday night.
"My goal is to promote change (in the initiative process) and to achieve that, I think we need to bring ridicule on the process, to make people aware of how easy it is to abuse.
"Any schmoe can go to Olympia and pay $5 and file an initiative. I'm the schmoe who did it this week. Whoever claimed I had any credibility? I wrote an initiative about a guy being a horse's ass."
Goldstein told The Spokesman-Review newspaper in Spokane his stunt is "a type of political theater." After the newspaper ran the story Thursday, talk radio picked it up and Goldstein's phone was swamped all day.
Tax rebel Eyman is the state's leading initiative sponsor. Voters have approved at least one of his initiatives each year for the past four years, starting with $30 car license tabs in 1999.
Goldstein's initiative, which has not yet been assigned a ballot title or number, said in part, "Tim Eyman's ill-conceived anti-tax initiatives are an irresponsible means of legislating tax policy, an abuse of the initiative process and an insult to our system of representative democracy."
Eyman got in trouble with the state last year when he acknowledged that he took more than $200,000 in previous campaign contributions as a salary fund. He had steadfastly described himself as an unpaid taxpayer advocate.
The initiative noted that Eyman said "I just feel like an ass" after he acknowledged taking the money.
The punch line is that, well, the voters agree with him.
Goldstein said the initiative started as a party conversation about Eyman and "about how self-serving and pandering initiatives have become.
"People think initiatives are well thought out, but they aren't. We just wanted to get something people would vote for. We wanted something funny and outrageous, bordering on profanity, but not profane, so it could go on the air or in print.
"The word `ass' is a problem, but if you modify it with `jack' or `horse,' it's not. It's funny. It's saying the guy's a fool."
Goldstein said he'll run "a parody of a Tim Eyman campaign," hoping to secure the necessary 200,000 voter signatures by early July to ensure a public vote in November.
He already has a campaign Web site, www.horsesass.org. The site said he'll skim off 20 percent of the proceeds for personal gain.
So far, he has collected $70.
His Web site said, "If you agree that the initiative process has become a joke, join us in getting the last laugh. With your help, we'll show Tim that he's not the only horse's ass who can get a spectacularly stupid initiative on the ballot."
Eyman called the measure "very pathetic," but said he's still laughing about it. He said he plans to buy "Tim is a horse's ass" T-shirts, hats and mugs from Goldstein.
Eyman said Goldstein is unwittingly helping him by calling more attention to Initiative 807, which would impose strict state government spending limits and require a two-thirds vote of both houses to raise taxes.
"The goal of any initiative sponsor is to get people talking about the initiative any way you can. When the opposition does your job for you, you gotta say 'thanks,' Eyman said, adding, "Calling names? That's their strategy? Oh, that's persuasive."
© 1998-2003 Seattle Post-Intelligencer
Voters may get to decide whether Eyman's a 'horse's ass'
Friday, January 17, 2003
By DAVID AMMONS
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
OLYMPIA -- Washington voters may get to sound off on whether initiative guru Tim Eyman is "a horse's ass."
David Goldstein, a Seattle computer programmer and technical writer, is pushing an initiative that says "The citizens of the state of Washington do hereby proclaim that Tim Eyman is a horse's ass."
Eyman said he thinks the idea is hilarious, and should garner publicity for his own latest initiative.
"It's stupid and there is no reason in the world why people should be able to put an initiative like this on the ballot," Goldstein said in a telephone interview Thursday night.
"My goal is to promote change (in the initiative process) and to achieve that, I think we need to bring ridicule on the process, to make people aware of how easy it is to abuse.
"Any schmoe can go to Olympia and pay $5 and file an initiative. I'm the schmoe who did it this week. Whoever claimed I had any credibility? I wrote an initiative about a guy being a horse's ass."
Goldstein told The Spokesman-Review newspaper in Spokane his stunt is "a type of political theater." After the newspaper ran the story Thursday, talk radio picked it up and Goldstein's phone was swamped all day.
Tax rebel Eyman is the state's leading initiative sponsor. Voters have approved at least one of his initiatives each year for the past four years, starting with $30 car license tabs in 1999.
Goldstein's initiative, which has not yet been assigned a ballot title or number, said in part, "Tim Eyman's ill-conceived anti-tax initiatives are an irresponsible means of legislating tax policy, an abuse of the initiative process and an insult to our system of representative democracy."
Eyman got in trouble with the state last year when he acknowledged that he took more than $200,000 in previous campaign contributions as a salary fund. He had steadfastly described himself as an unpaid taxpayer advocate.
The initiative noted that Eyman said "I just feel like an ass" after he acknowledged taking the money.
The punch line is that, well, the voters agree with him.
Goldstein said the initiative started as a party conversation about Eyman and "about how self-serving and pandering initiatives have become.
"People think initiatives are well thought out, but they aren't. We just wanted to get something people would vote for. We wanted something funny and outrageous, bordering on profanity, but not profane, so it could go on the air or in print.
"The word `ass' is a problem, but if you modify it with `jack' or `horse,' it's not. It's funny. It's saying the guy's a fool."
Goldstein said he'll run "a parody of a Tim Eyman campaign," hoping to secure the necessary 200,000 voter signatures by early July to ensure a public vote in November.
He already has a campaign Web site, www.horsesass.org. The site said he'll skim off 20 percent of the proceeds for personal gain.
So far, he has collected $70.
His Web site said, "If you agree that the initiative process has become a joke, join us in getting the last laugh. With your help, we'll show Tim that he's not the only horse's ass who can get a spectacularly stupid initiative on the ballot."
Eyman called the measure "very pathetic," but said he's still laughing about it. He said he plans to buy "Tim is a horse's ass" T-shirts, hats and mugs from Goldstein.
Eyman said Goldstein is unwittingly helping him by calling more attention to Initiative 807, which would impose strict state government spending limits and require a two-thirds vote of both houses to raise taxes.
"The goal of any initiative sponsor is to get people talking about the initiative any way you can. When the opposition does your job for you, you gotta say 'thanks,' Eyman said, adding, "Calling names? That's their strategy? Oh, that's persuasive."
© 1998-2003 Seattle Post-Intelligencer
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Kinji Fukasaku died. He was in the middle of making Battle Royale 2, a sequel to the recent classic. In case you haven't seen it, Battle Royale is the story of a class of sixth graders, put on an island and told to kill each other until there is only one survivor. A true classic. So the director is dead. His son is taking over BR2. There's a trailer up. View it here.
Monday, January 13, 2003
Friday, January 10, 2003
Thursday, January 09, 2003
The Popbitch item led me to this curious new item from MTV Asia...
Sugababes Appeal To Former Bandmate
Sugababes Keisha and Mutya are still concerned about the mysterious disappearance of their former bandmate, Siobhan. According to BBC's Radio 1, the girls still haven't had a proper explanation despite Siobhan's disappearance almost a year ago. They recalled Siobhan telling them she was off to the loo, and then vanished.
"We'd love to know why, you know, we were kinda stranded in Japan a day before we had to do a show in front of thousands, performing 'Overload' and us two going on stage by ourselves," they said.
"We'd just like to know, you know, why you said 'I'm comin' back in two minutes' and you never came back again. Then they came back and said 'Oh Siobhan's left 'cause she wants to do fashion photography. But then, a couple of weeks ago we read that she's doing a solo career."
"At the end of the day, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. So if that was her way of splitting off and doing her own thing... then, whatever." -- SP
--------------------------------
Is this an honest-to-God disappearance? Should someone be concerned? And what is the deal with their names?
And I have to say, MTV Asia's international news page has hysterically funny stories, most less than 200 words, and apparently written by someone who combines laziness with irony, or a less-than-convincing command of the language.
Sugababes Appeal To Former Bandmate
Sugababes Keisha and Mutya are still concerned about the mysterious disappearance of their former bandmate, Siobhan. According to BBC's Radio 1, the girls still haven't had a proper explanation despite Siobhan's disappearance almost a year ago. They recalled Siobhan telling them she was off to the loo, and then vanished.
"We'd love to know why, you know, we were kinda stranded in Japan a day before we had to do a show in front of thousands, performing 'Overload' and us two going on stage by ourselves," they said.
"We'd just like to know, you know, why you said 'I'm comin' back in two minutes' and you never came back again. Then they came back and said 'Oh Siobhan's left 'cause she wants to do fashion photography. But then, a couple of weeks ago we read that she's doing a solo career."
"At the end of the day, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. So if that was her way of splitting off and doing her own thing... then, whatever." -- SP
--------------------------------
Is this an honest-to-God disappearance? Should someone be concerned? And what is the deal with their names?
And I have to say, MTV Asia's international news page has hysterically funny stories, most less than 200 words, and apparently written by someone who combines laziness with irony, or a less-than-convincing command of the language.
I realize it's sinking low in online communication to just reprint notable emails, but I'm lazy. I was just added to the Popbitch mail list.
>From: Popbitch
>To: Popbitch
>Date: Wed, 08 Jan 2003 21:22:01 +0000
>Subject: "Spot the pram face"
>Message-ID:
>
>"Jesus Christ said suffer the little ones to come
>unto me, not that they should be eaten for public
>entertainment." - Anne Widdecombe MP
>---------------------------------------------------
>POPBITCH! _ _ _ _
>_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
>| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
>| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
>| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
>|_| |_| 08.01.03 *issue 147*
>subscribe or unsubscribe: http://www.popbitch.com
>our email: hello@popbitch.com
>
>* Axl Rose and the sad spiral of doom
>* Parlez-vous Council?
>* Charts: Girls Aloud spend 4th week on top
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Jordan's Smoking Gun?
> Gareth: too quick on the draw
>
> Jordan says she was evidence to back up her
> claim to have slept with teen-mong Gareth Gates.
>
> Could it be a text message from Gareth
> apologising for shooting his load too fast, and
> promising it won't happen again...?
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Rio Ferdinand was overheard at the recent Comedy
>Awards saying he'd like to shag Carol Vorderman.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Keep it together, Liza! <<
> Minnelli teeters on the brink
>
> Remember those scenes in Bowfinger when
> Eddie Murphy's character would mutter
> "keep it together, keep it together" in an
> effort to avoid going mad and having to be
> returned to his "celebrity relaxation centre"?
>
> Well, life imitates art. Liza Minnelli was
> shopping in the main Ralph Lauren store in
> New York over Christmas. While browsing through
> the racks of clothes, she stopped suddenly and
> started chanting to herself, "Minnelli, get it
> together. Minnelli, get it together..."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Shania Twain's brother Darryl is a bingo caller at
>the Londonderry bingo parlour in Edmonton, Canada.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Parlez-vous Council? <<
> No. 1: Pram Face
>
> "Pram Face": a phrase used to describe a popstar
> who has a face that looks more suitable on a
> girl pushing a pram round a council estate.
>
> (See Liz Atomic Kitten, Emma Bunton, Keisha
> Sugababe, the ginger one out of Girls Aloud etc)
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Macy Gray's Christmas gift to members of her
>management team were boxes of live lobsters.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Big Questions <<
> Blind items leading the blind
>
> Which Tory MP left the following items
> in his desk pedestal over Christmas:
> 1 pair of soiled underpants
> 1 hard hat
> (They were found by cleaners)
>
> Which Manchester City player likes to wear
> his matchday kit while getting noshed off by
> girls at a hotel. His mate videos the action
> from a cupboard?
> (FYI: This story comes from the man who supplies
> DVD porn to two Premiership football squads,
> so, er, it must be true, right?)
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Madonna's next single will be American Life, out
>this spring, with video by Jonas Ackerlund. She's
>planning a theatre tour later in the year.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Shirley not? <<
> Lord Jenkins: wonder shagger
>
>miserable_cunt writes:
> "I'm genuinely quite sad that Roy 'Woy' Jenkins
> has died because he reformed gay, abortion and
> divorce laws. But now he's dead, I suppose the
> Popbitch in me kicks in and I can inform you
> all that he had a fairly long affair with
> Hollywood actress Shirley Maclaine."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Eurovision fan boards are buzzing with the rumour
>that Cheeky Girls are being lined up as UK entry.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> How Axl Rose finally lost it <<
> It was all down to one fur coat
>
> The Guns n Roses revival ended in riots last
> month, when Axl Rose refused to take the stage
> in Chicago. But what caused Axl to meltdown,
> after his triumphant performance in New York?
>
> After selling out Madison Square Gardens, Axl and
> entourage went on to celebrate at NY club Spa.
>
> When he got to the door, Axl was politely asked
> to remove his fur coat before entry (the club
> has a strict no fur policy). Being a Rock Star,
> he refused, but the club would not make an
> exception for him.
>
> And then Axl realised the truth. No matter how
> successful his comeback, he was no longer The
> Man. He could no longer sweep all before him
> like the golden god that he once was.
>
> So that was that: he refused to come on stage in
> Chicago. The tour is off. His manager has been
> sacked, band members have quit and no-one
> believes for a second that he will ever record
> the vocals for the new album.
>
>(FYI: It gets worse. Axl is today fighting to save his
>fabulous mountaintop Malibu mansion from forest fires.)
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Courtney Love turned up at Joe Strummer's funeral.
>She threw herself on the coffin, wailing loudly
>like one of those toothless Middle Eastern ladies.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Bob Maxwell recruits via penis <<
> Semi-erection required for success
>
>judge_pickles writes:
> "Robert Maxwell bought a Squirrel helicopter in
> 1986 and insisted that the pilot must be a
> woman under the age of 28.
>
> "There was an anonymous recruitment campaign
> offering complete training at a cost of about
> £30,000. During the physical tests that took
> place at Robin Hill, Maxwell himself used to
> turn up. He watched the women doing the assault
> course from an underground hut that they used to
> run over before jumping over an eight foot wall.
>
> "The women would only pass on to the next part of
> the course if they gave Maxwell a 'semi'."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Oh Jesus. People are starting to talk seriously
>about The Spice Girls reunion tour.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> People who should be hit with a sea-bass <<
> No 1: Trinny and Susannah
>
> A Trinny and Susannah album is in the pipeline.
> Provisionally titled You Wear It Well, the
> album will contain the girls' shockingly awful
> covers of their favourite tracks, including Rod
> Stewart, Barbra Steisand and.... Radiohead.
>
> Please... somebody... go to the fishmonger,
> buy a sea-bass, and hit the hideous witches
> in the face with it. We will reward you.
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>BBC newscaster Sophie Raworth has been told to get
>a Trinny and Susannah makeover for her hair.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Ned Kelly... <<
> The new Swept Away?
>
>Mr M writes:
> "I saw a rough cut of Heath Ledger's new film
> yesterday, "Ned Kelly" - the Australian outlaw.
>
> "It's shithouse of the highest order, especially
> Heath himself. He's meant to have an Irish
> accent, but comes off with a worst one
> than anybody in 'Gangs of New York". There's
> poor acting, crap editing, and the music (so
> far) is pretty bad.
>
> "This, my friends, is the turkey of the year."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Brad Pitt went to Kickapoo high school.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Things to make you go Hmm <<
> Ainslie, hairdressers and porn
>
> The theme to S Club's Seeing Double feature film
> is Who Do You Think You Are. Its not a cover of
> the Spice Girls single, thank God. But the
> chorus does include the lyric:
> "When You're A Clone,
> You Know You're Never Alone"
>
> Ainslie Fame Academy's old band, Suburbia:
>http://www.suburbiamusic.com/
>
> Ellen Morphonios, the judge who in 1969 prosecuted
> Jim Morrison for showing his cock at a Doors
> concert, has died. She was known as one of
> America's most hardcore judges, kept a
> toy electric chair in her chambers and had
> a pet chimp called Bubbles, who had to wear
> nappies to go to the courtroom.
>
> Israeli pets get ready for war:
>http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/2604701.stm
>
> Poor Diana Ross. Not only did she get arrested
> for drink driving last week, but the police
> who arrested her made a video of her spectacular
> breath-test failure. When asked to stand on one
> leg and count to 10, she laughed and fell over.
> And couldn't remember the alphabet.
>
> George Michael porn-a-like. Love the socks!
>http://www.popbitch.com/images/porno020.jpg
>
>
> >> Chart Predictions <<
> New entries for Sunday 12 January
>
>++ Number One
>GIRLS ALOUD Sound of the Underground
>Cheryl's first concert was Steps: Nadine's
>was Westlife; Sarah's was Eminem; Nicola's
>was Take That and Kimberley's was Eternal.
>
>++ Top Ten
>ELECTRIC SIX Danger! High Voltage
>Vocal cameo from Jack White.
>
>DIVINE INSPIRAION The Way
>Producers Lee and Dave have been working
>together for 13 years: they got together with
>vocalist Sarah Jane after meeting in Menorca.
>
>ERASURE Solsbury Hill
>Cover of Peter Gabriel's 1977 hit.
>
>++ Top Twenty
>RICHARD ASHCROFT Silence Is Silence
>The PB messageboard opinion: its Fairytale
>of New York mixed with Julian Lennon's Saltwater.
>
>BADLY DRAWN BOY Born Again
>Band now features Andy Rouke from The Smiths.
>
>FLIP AND FILL I Want To Dance With Somebody
>Their banging house covers of 80s pop
>becoming very tedious now.
>
>AUDIO BULLYS We Don't Care
>Great video directed by Walter Stern, who
>also did Prodigy's Firestarter and The
>Verve's Bittersweet Symphony.
>
>++ Top Forty
>IN ME Crushed Like Fruit
>Essex hard-rock trio's first album Overgrown
>Eden is released this month.
>
>80s MATCHBOX BEELINE DISASTER Psychosis Safari
>Amen's Casey Chaos produced two of the
>additional tracks on this release.
>
>LEVELLERS Wild As Angels
>Band formed in 1988 in Brighton.
>
>
> >> End Bit <<
>
>Please email us stories, facts, gossip,
>news, whatever: hello@popbitch.com
>
>Thanks: icon, andy scott, 0898, BM, lisal,
>parchalb, jo, nigelnige, hollygolightly,
>isambardkingdombrulee,nubby, glitterkitty,
>C, bobbifleckmann, britnee, roys_keen, DF
>anthony, bk, mbs, bengobaz, godzilla, dishydave,
>huggle, CF, britnee, underscore, michael, thonglet
>
>
>*********************************
>SUPPORT POPBITCH!
>Thanks to the following for presents:
>
>1. Pago juices for the cases of fruit juice
>2. Fabulous Bakin' Boys for the box of muffins.
>3. Lovelight for the John Major video
>4. Wagamama for the free food.
>5. BBC for the talking Cyberman
>6. Nag Nag Nag for the CD
>7. Smash Press for the Just Jack CD
>8. Everyone who sent christmas cards and anyone we've forgotten!
>
>Please send presents, bribes and prescription drugs to:
>Popbitch, Charter House,
>2 Farringdon Rd
>London EC1M 3HP
>*********************************
>
>
>Subscribe or unsubscribe: http://www.popbitch.com
>
>Popbitch is hosted in a nuclear bunker:
>http://www.thebunker.net
>
>Old Jokes Home:
>A man goes to see an optometrist.
>The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."
>The guy says, "Why? Am I going blind?"
>The doctor says, "No, you're upsetting the other
>patients in the waiting room."
>
>Still bored?
>Check out what the web geeks recommend:
>http://www.b3ta.com/features/awards2003/
They appear to be from Britain. I just love how they speak this foreign language over there. Pram face, noshing, teen-mong, matchday kit... And who are some of these celebrities? Keisha SugababeIt? Lord Jenkins? It's like a nation of teenagers...
>From: Popbitch
>To: Popbitch
>Date: Wed, 08 Jan 2003 21:22:01 +0000
>Subject: "Spot the pram face"
>Message-ID:
>
>"Jesus Christ said suffer the little ones to come
>unto me, not that they should be eaten for public
>entertainment." - Anne Widdecombe MP
>---------------------------------------------------
>POPBITCH! _ _ _ _
>_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
>| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
>| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
>| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
>|_| |_| 08.01.03 *issue 147*
>subscribe or unsubscribe: http://www.popbitch.com
>our email: hello@popbitch.com
>
>* Axl Rose and the sad spiral of doom
>* Parlez-vous Council?
>* Charts: Girls Aloud spend 4th week on top
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Jordan's Smoking Gun?
> Gareth: too quick on the draw
>
> Jordan says she was evidence to back up her
> claim to have slept with teen-mong Gareth Gates.
>
> Could it be a text message from Gareth
> apologising for shooting his load too fast, and
> promising it won't happen again...?
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Rio Ferdinand was overheard at the recent Comedy
>Awards saying he'd like to shag Carol Vorderman.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Keep it together, Liza! <<
> Minnelli teeters on the brink
>
> Remember those scenes in Bowfinger when
> Eddie Murphy's character would mutter
> "keep it together, keep it together" in an
> effort to avoid going mad and having to be
> returned to his "celebrity relaxation centre"?
>
> Well, life imitates art. Liza Minnelli was
> shopping in the main Ralph Lauren store in
> New York over Christmas. While browsing through
> the racks of clothes, she stopped suddenly and
> started chanting to herself, "Minnelli, get it
> together. Minnelli, get it together..."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Shania Twain's brother Darryl is a bingo caller at
>the Londonderry bingo parlour in Edmonton, Canada.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Parlez-vous Council? <<
> No. 1: Pram Face
>
> "Pram Face": a phrase used to describe a popstar
> who has a face that looks more suitable on a
> girl pushing a pram round a council estate.
>
> (See Liz Atomic Kitten, Emma Bunton, Keisha
> Sugababe, the ginger one out of Girls Aloud etc)
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Macy Gray's Christmas gift to members of her
>management team were boxes of live lobsters.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Big Questions <<
> Blind items leading the blind
>
> Which Tory MP left the following items
> in his desk pedestal over Christmas:
> 1 pair of soiled underpants
> 1 hard hat
> (They were found by cleaners)
>
> Which Manchester City player likes to wear
> his matchday kit while getting noshed off by
> girls at a hotel. His mate videos the action
> from a cupboard?
> (FYI: This story comes from the man who supplies
> DVD porn to two Premiership football squads,
> so, er, it must be true, right?)
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Madonna's next single will be American Life, out
>this spring, with video by Jonas Ackerlund. She's
>planning a theatre tour later in the year.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Shirley not? <<
> Lord Jenkins: wonder shagger
>
>miserable_cunt writes:
> "I'm genuinely quite sad that Roy 'Woy' Jenkins
> has died because he reformed gay, abortion and
> divorce laws. But now he's dead, I suppose the
> Popbitch in me kicks in and I can inform you
> all that he had a fairly long affair with
> Hollywood actress Shirley Maclaine."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Eurovision fan boards are buzzing with the rumour
>that Cheeky Girls are being lined up as UK entry.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> How Axl Rose finally lost it <<
> It was all down to one fur coat
>
> The Guns n Roses revival ended in riots last
> month, when Axl Rose refused to take the stage
> in Chicago. But what caused Axl to meltdown,
> after his triumphant performance in New York?
>
> After selling out Madison Square Gardens, Axl and
> entourage went on to celebrate at NY club Spa.
>
> When he got to the door, Axl was politely asked
> to remove his fur coat before entry (the club
> has a strict no fur policy). Being a Rock Star,
> he refused, but the club would not make an
> exception for him.
>
> And then Axl realised the truth. No matter how
> successful his comeback, he was no longer The
> Man. He could no longer sweep all before him
> like the golden god that he once was.
>
> So that was that: he refused to come on stage in
> Chicago. The tour is off. His manager has been
> sacked, band members have quit and no-one
> believes for a second that he will ever record
> the vocals for the new album.
>
>(FYI: It gets worse. Axl is today fighting to save his
>fabulous mountaintop Malibu mansion from forest fires.)
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Courtney Love turned up at Joe Strummer's funeral.
>She threw herself on the coffin, wailing loudly
>like one of those toothless Middle Eastern ladies.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Bob Maxwell recruits via penis <<
> Semi-erection required for success
>
>judge_pickles writes:
> "Robert Maxwell bought a Squirrel helicopter in
> 1986 and insisted that the pilot must be a
> woman under the age of 28.
>
> "There was an anonymous recruitment campaign
> offering complete training at a cost of about
> £30,000. During the physical tests that took
> place at Robin Hill, Maxwell himself used to
> turn up. He watched the women doing the assault
> course from an underground hut that they used to
> run over before jumping over an eight foot wall.
>
> "The women would only pass on to the next part of
> the course if they gave Maxwell a 'semi'."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Oh Jesus. People are starting to talk seriously
>about The Spice Girls reunion tour.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> People who should be hit with a sea-bass <<
> No 1: Trinny and Susannah
>
> A Trinny and Susannah album is in the pipeline.
> Provisionally titled You Wear It Well, the
> album will contain the girls' shockingly awful
> covers of their favourite tracks, including Rod
> Stewart, Barbra Steisand and.... Radiohead.
>
> Please... somebody... go to the fishmonger,
> buy a sea-bass, and hit the hideous witches
> in the face with it. We will reward you.
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>BBC newscaster Sophie Raworth has been told to get
>a Trinny and Susannah makeover for her hair.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Ned Kelly... <<
> The new Swept Away?
>
>Mr M writes:
> "I saw a rough cut of Heath Ledger's new film
> yesterday, "Ned Kelly" - the Australian outlaw.
>
> "It's shithouse of the highest order, especially
> Heath himself. He's meant to have an Irish
> accent, but comes off with a worst one
> than anybody in 'Gangs of New York". There's
> poor acting, crap editing, and the music (so
> far) is pretty bad.
>
> "This, my friends, is the turkey of the year."
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------
>Brad Pitt went to Kickapoo high school.
>---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> >> Things to make you go Hmm <<
> Ainslie, hairdressers and porn
>
> The theme to S Club's Seeing Double feature film
> is Who Do You Think You Are. Its not a cover of
> the Spice Girls single, thank God. But the
> chorus does include the lyric:
> "When You're A Clone,
> You Know You're Never Alone"
>
> Ainslie Fame Academy's old band, Suburbia:
>http://www.suburbiamusic.com/
>
> Ellen Morphonios, the judge who in 1969 prosecuted
> Jim Morrison for showing his cock at a Doors
> concert, has died. She was known as one of
> America's most hardcore judges, kept a
> toy electric chair in her chambers and had
> a pet chimp called Bubbles, who had to wear
> nappies to go to the courtroom.
>
> Israeli pets get ready for war:
>http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/2604701.stm
>
> Poor Diana Ross. Not only did she get arrested
> for drink driving last week, but the police
> who arrested her made a video of her spectacular
> breath-test failure. When asked to stand on one
> leg and count to 10, she laughed and fell over.
> And couldn't remember the alphabet.
>
> George Michael porn-a-like. Love the socks!
>http://www.popbitch.com/images/porno020.jpg
>
>
> >> Chart Predictions <<
> New entries for Sunday 12 January
>
>++ Number One
>GIRLS ALOUD Sound of the Underground
>Cheryl's first concert was Steps: Nadine's
>was Westlife; Sarah's was Eminem; Nicola's
>was Take That and Kimberley's was Eternal.
>
>++ Top Ten
>ELECTRIC SIX Danger! High Voltage
>Vocal cameo from Jack White.
>
>DIVINE INSPIRAION The Way
>Producers Lee and Dave have been working
>together for 13 years: they got together with
>vocalist Sarah Jane after meeting in Menorca.
>
>ERASURE Solsbury Hill
>Cover of Peter Gabriel's 1977 hit.
>
>++ Top Twenty
>RICHARD ASHCROFT Silence Is Silence
>The PB messageboard opinion: its Fairytale
>of New York mixed with Julian Lennon's Saltwater.
>
>BADLY DRAWN BOY Born Again
>Band now features Andy Rouke from The Smiths.
>
>FLIP AND FILL I Want To Dance With Somebody
>Their banging house covers of 80s pop
>becoming very tedious now.
>
>AUDIO BULLYS We Don't Care
>Great video directed by Walter Stern, who
>also did Prodigy's Firestarter and The
>Verve's Bittersweet Symphony.
>
>++ Top Forty
>IN ME Crushed Like Fruit
>Essex hard-rock trio's first album Overgrown
>Eden is released this month.
>
>80s MATCHBOX BEELINE DISASTER Psychosis Safari
>Amen's Casey Chaos produced two of the
>additional tracks on this release.
>
>LEVELLERS Wild As Angels
>Band formed in 1988 in Brighton.
>
>
> >> End Bit <<
>
>Please email us stories, facts, gossip,
>news, whatever: hello@popbitch.com
>
>Thanks: icon, andy scott, 0898, BM, lisal,
>parchalb, jo, nigelnige, hollygolightly,
>isambardkingdombrulee,nubby, glitterkitty,
>C, bobbifleckmann, britnee, roys_keen, DF
>anthony, bk, mbs, bengobaz, godzilla, dishydave,
>huggle, CF, britnee, underscore, michael, thonglet
>
>
>*********************************
>SUPPORT POPBITCH!
>Thanks to the following for presents:
>
>1. Pago juices for the cases of fruit juice
>2. Fabulous Bakin' Boys for the box of muffins.
>3. Lovelight for the John Major video
>4. Wagamama for the free food.
>5. BBC for the talking Cyberman
>6. Nag Nag Nag for the CD
>7. Smash Press for the Just Jack CD
>8. Everyone who sent christmas cards and anyone we've forgotten!
>
>Please send presents, bribes and prescription drugs to:
>Popbitch, Charter House,
>2 Farringdon Rd
>London EC1M 3HP
>*********************************
>
>
>Subscribe or unsubscribe: http://www.popbitch.com
>
>Popbitch is hosted in a nuclear bunker:
>http://www.thebunker.net
>
>Old Jokes Home:
>A man goes to see an optometrist.
>The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."
>The guy says, "Why? Am I going blind?"
>The doctor says, "No, you're upsetting the other
>patients in the waiting room."
>
>Still bored?
>Check out what the web geeks recommend:
>http://www.b3ta.com/features/awards2003/
They appear to be from Britain. I just love how they speak this foreign language over there. Pram face, noshing, teen-mong, matchday kit... And who are some of these celebrities? Keisha SugababeIt? Lord Jenkins? It's like a nation of teenagers...
Even though Christmas is over, there is still the perfect gift out there for me. As they said on Page Six a few weeks ago: Chances are Chic Happens will never get to sleep with Paris Hilton—let alone her hunky himbo, Tommy Hilfiger model Jason Shaw—but at least we can dress like we have. Brooklyn provocateur Ken Courtney's Just Another Rich Kid collection features T-shirts with slogans like "I Fucked Paris Hilton." Other celebs you can claim to have done the nasty with include Chloe Sevigny, Casey Spooner, Kelly Osbourne, Gisele and Anna Wintour. Fashion-designer groupies can choose from John Galliano, Alexander McQueen, Zac Posen, Yves Saint Laurent and even Christian Dior, who's been dead for almost 50 years. We'll look for our "I Fucked Bobby Trendy" T-shirts in the mail.
I don't know who Casey Spooner is, for example, but I want one that says I Fucked Paris Hilton. Check this out:
Isn't that genius? I mean, the skateboarders. What a hit on Chloe. Brilliant...
I don't know who Casey Spooner is, for example, but I want one that says I Fucked Paris Hilton. Check this out:
Isn't that genius? I mean, the skateboarders. What a hit on Chloe. Brilliant...
Wednesday, January 08, 2003
Boy, that Buffy was pretty good last night.
I'm sort of enjoying the influz of new little Buffys. I wonder how many web sites Kennedy has got dedicated to her by now. I was sort of disappointed that the mini-Slayers didn't join in on killing the vampire at the end. I was sort of hoping for that, after seeing how tough the other trainees were at the season's beginning, that maybe these kids could suck it up and kick some ass. Too bad. It would have been cute.
I like how Faith's return is being kinda subtly set up. "I hear there's another Slayer."
I'm sort of enjoying the influz of new little Buffys. I wonder how many web sites Kennedy has got dedicated to her by now. I was sort of disappointed that the mini-Slayers didn't join in on killing the vampire at the end. I was sort of hoping for that, after seeing how tough the other trainees were at the season's beginning, that maybe these kids could suck it up and kick some ass. Too bad. It would have been cute.
I like how Faith's return is being kinda subtly set up. "I hear there's another Slayer."
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
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