Thursday, June 24, 2004

Mike Battaglia explains why cartoonist Joe Matt is a success, and in the process, makes some important points about porn stars and humanity that are worth preserving:

Joe moved to Hollywood last year. Let’s take a peek at the modern Joe Matt; in fact, let’s break his recent action down:

1) Instead of watching porn in some little shit hole in Candada, he’s hanging out in limos with the actual stars themselves in the heart of Los Angeles. Have you met a porn star? They’re not confused and helpless, with no where to turn except into the belly of the beast; no, rather, they are athletic millionaires who have massive egos and are surrounded by a bounty of dutiful hit men and Mafia; it takes balls to hang out with a porn star. They’re like leopards; if they see fear in your eye, it’s all over. Porn stars are all right.
2) He no longer has to contend with the tepid whining of silly, overrated Canadian cartoonists.
3) He’s been ignited by the Hollywood energy (it’s there), and he’s getting a boat load of work done.
4) He finally has the room to breath he has always wished for (smog charges the brain and makes for some glorious sun sets).
5) The memory of the incessant, mind-altering nag-fest that was Trish is long gone, as he receives lap dance after lap dance from women so shockingly beautiful that, for a moment, you can’t believe the human race actually produced such fecal abominations as The Third Reich, the Atomic Bomb, and The Internet.
6) 66 has stopped haunting Joe; he has let his internal Satan/God struggle flail out from the cab of his psychic semi like a naughty hitchhiker.
7) HBO, whose Program Directors wield the most coveted “meeting time” in the business, worth about a million dollars a minute, WANT JOE.
8) His strip in the LA Weekly was an instant classic.
9) Joe is becoming the toast of Hollywood in a town so competitive, even the homeless have head shots and clutch their screenplays as they amble up Sunset Blvd in a cloud of head lice.
10) Joe has a cock the size of a small arm, and he looks like a serial killer (In other words, he’s a porn star in the making). With Joe at THE epicenter of the adult film industry, it won’t be long before we can go out and buy a copy of (choke) “Joe’s Casting Couch”.
11) Now that Joe has come to his senses and removed himself from the chunky, lukewarm bile that is the Canadian aesthetic, he is well on his way to becoming an American icon.

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