Saturday, March 27, 2004
Thursday, March 25, 2004
NOTHING WRONG WITH PRETTY GIRLS
Available now in bookstores, comic shops and newsstands! Four generations of cartoonists -namely JULES FEIFFER, ART SPIEGELMAN, CHRIS WARE, and the late AL HIRSCHFELD- talk with each other about their art. The issue also includes essays and features on a broad range of topics, including R. FIORE on THE SIMPSONS, ALEXANDER THEROUX on CHRIS WARE, never-before-published comic strips by JACK DAVIS, never-before-published excerpts from AL HIRSCHFELD's sketchbooks, DONALD PHELPS on BEN KATCHOR, and a tribute to the late BILL MAULDIN. Last but hardly least is our "Cartoonists On" section, boasting of comics-form essays, short stories and vignettes from today's finest cartoonists on the topic of "The Shock of Recognition" - including the likes of RICK ALTERGOTT, HO CHE ANDERSON, PHOEBE GLOECKNER, BILL GRIFFITH, CAROL SWAIN, SHUNJI ENOMOTO, RICK GEARY, LOS BROS HERNANDEZ, HIDESHI HINO, MIKE KUPPERMAN, SPAIN and many more!
Oddly not mentioned in the copy is MY article on feminist slapstick pornographer Molly Kiely. I'll post it once the shelf life is over, but it turned out pretty good.
Available now in bookstores, comic shops and newsstands! Four generations of cartoonists -namely JULES FEIFFER, ART SPIEGELMAN, CHRIS WARE, and the late AL HIRSCHFELD- talk with each other about their art. The issue also includes essays and features on a broad range of topics, including R. FIORE on THE SIMPSONS, ALEXANDER THEROUX on CHRIS WARE, never-before-published comic strips by JACK DAVIS, never-before-published excerpts from AL HIRSCHFELD's sketchbooks, DONALD PHELPS on BEN KATCHOR, and a tribute to the late BILL MAULDIN. Last but hardly least is our "Cartoonists On" section, boasting of comics-form essays, short stories and vignettes from today's finest cartoonists on the topic of "The Shock of Recognition" - including the likes of RICK ALTERGOTT, HO CHE ANDERSON, PHOEBE GLOECKNER, BILL GRIFFITH, CAROL SWAIN, SHUNJI ENOMOTO, RICK GEARY, LOS BROS HERNANDEZ, HIDESHI HINO, MIKE KUPPERMAN, SPAIN and many more!
Oddly not mentioned in the copy is MY article on feminist slapstick pornographer Molly Kiely. I'll post it once the shelf life is over, but it turned out pretty good.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Monday, March 22, 2004
This morning I locked myself out of my apartment. A hassle. Yes, indeed. Plan "A" involved backing my car out of its parking space and climbing up over my deck. Didn't work. The parking lot is a couple feet too low. Plan "B" was using a credit card, which I never have the patience for. Plan "C" involved using a ladder. Didn't work. I kicked it out from under me while climbing, and dangled from my deck, 12 feet above the blacktop. Lacking the upper body strength to pull myself up, I dropped. Now looking like I'd been mugged, with a ripped shirt, dirty face, and ugly lacerations on both arms, I gave in to plan "D" -- for "David" -- and just kicked my fucking door down.
Problem solved.
If anyone thinks kicking the door down was drastic, keep in mind, five years ago, it would have been the first thing I did. I have grown up, just a little.
Problem solved.
If anyone thinks kicking the door down was drastic, keep in mind, five years ago, it would have been the first thing I did. I have grown up, just a little.
Sunday, March 21, 2004
I keep meaning to review THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST but am having trouble boiling down my rather technic criticisms of the inept acting, thoughtless direction and gay-goth-fetish style. However, "FulciGirl" has some interesting things to say: "It is a Jesus Guinea Pig film! In Japan they`re expecting it to be released in a box set with Flowers of Flesh and Blood, Devil`s Experiment, Mermaid in a Manhole, Android of Notre Dame and "He Never Dies". It`s going to be re-titled "MAKE JESUS DIE SLOWLY!" And will feature the scenes edited out of the PASSION by the MPAA! Scenes which shows Jesus having hooks being driven through his nipples and being pulled into the air by thousands of angry jewish children! And then the rabid demon children kill and eat his hamster! Which was a real hamster! Mel had to cut out that bit of the movie cause PETA would have been down on his ASS! Hell hath no fury like PETA scorned! I can`t wait! THREE HOURS OF UNCUT JESUS DEATH!! WOooooooOoooo!"
Monday, March 15, 2004
On Friday I met a girl for Drinks at at "Elephant and Castle," an English-style pub in Downtown Seattle. I brought along some pages for for my upcoming "Painters of Blight" show, and drunkenly left them when I departed for the night.
I had a board meeting Saturday morning, so afterward I went and picked them up. It was a weekend afternoon, in the missidle of the downtown shopping district, there were at least four ambulances streaking around and saving lives, and finally, there was a parade.
I parked in a meter spot right across the street, almost. It was as close as I could possibly park under the best of circumstance. I paid a quarter, walked in, picked up the calendar, walked out, and was on my way. I was in and out of downtown in ten minutes.
Did I mention there was a parade?
It was worth leaving them there so I could have that awesome experience.
I had a board meeting Saturday morning, so afterward I went and picked them up. It was a weekend afternoon, in the missidle of the downtown shopping district, there were at least four ambulances streaking around and saving lives, and finally, there was a parade.
I parked in a meter spot right across the street, almost. It was as close as I could possibly park under the best of circumstance. I paid a quarter, walked in, picked up the calendar, walked out, and was on my way. I was in and out of downtown in ten minutes.
Did I mention there was a parade?
It was worth leaving them there so I could have that awesome experience.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
I'm going to guess that Andrea Carlton is actively looking for people watching porn at this point...
Motorists Spot X-Rated Films in Some Cars
By DAVID RUNK
The Associated Press
Wednesday, March 10, 2004; 2:36 PM
DETROIT - Andrea Carlton hadn't planned on telling her daughter about the birds and bees until she was 8 or 9. But that changed the night 4-year-old Catherine spotted a porno movie flickering on a screen in a minivan nearby.
"Just like there's no windows in a strip club, you shouldn't be able to see inside windows in a car when they're watching X-rated movies," said Carlton, a 26-year-old from Gurnee, Ill.
More and more Americans are buying vehicles with DVD players, usually to keep the kids entertained. But an increasing number of other people on the road are catching a glimpse through the windows of more than just "Finding Nemo" and "SpongeBob SquarePants."
Depending on where they are driving or parked, motorists could face fines and even jail time for screening X-rated stuff. But where the law may not be clear, some are calling for tighter regulation.
"Residents should not be subjected to those obscenities," said Flint City Councilwoman Carolyn Sims, who is examining whether an ordinance packing a $500 fine is needed. "They do have a right to have peace and tranquility and not to have this exposure to sex in their face."
A driver in Schenectady, N.Y., was arrested last month after rolling past police with a DVD titled "Chocolate Foam" playing on the passenger-side sun visor in his Mercedes-Benz, authorities said. The movie also was rolling on screens set into the car's headrests.
The driver was accused of breaking state laws prohibiting watching TV while driving, as well as another law making it illegal to exhibit sexually explicit material in a public place.
"The detective had a clear view of what was playing through the window. Anyone walking by on the street could have see it," Schenectady police Lt. Peter Frisoni Jr. said of the nighttime traffic stop. "If he had dark, tinted windows where you couldn't see in, that wouldn't be a public display."
As for Carlton, she and her husband were driving in the Chicago suburb of Buffalo Grove when Catherine glimpsed the sexually explicit movie. The experience last fall upset the girl and angered Carlton.
Carlton and her husband sat down with Catherine and offered the best explanation they could. Since then, Carlton has spotted other motorists with explicit movies playing, including a couple watching from the back seat of their car in a store parking lot.
"You're not allowed to have sex in your car, so why are you allowed to watch it?" Carlton asked.
Most states, including Michigan, have laws that make it illegal to watch TV while driving. Laws governing the exhibition of pornography vary by state, but experts say they could be applied to drivers as well.
"I think those restrictions would apply if the content is located in a vehicle," said Jeff Matsuura, director of the law and technology program at the University of Dayton. "You have effectively moved beyond the privacy of your own home."
During the day, it is often difficult to see what is playing inside another vehicle. But at night, the screens are easily visible from a passing car or a vehicle stopped alongside at a traffic light. The screens are also getting bigger.
In Flint, Sims took up the issue after hearing from a woman who was driving with her 5-year-old when she spotted porn playing on a vehicle's 13-inch TV screen. A police officer who happened to see the display pulled over the driver, Sims said, but let him off with a warning.
To Sims, a 23-year police veteran who retired in 2001, playing an explicit movie in view of other motorists or pedestrians is akin to flashing or having sex in a public place.
But Michigan State Police, who have not had any cases of in-car porn, say playing an X-rated movie might not be easy to prosecute unless it can be proved that the motorist intended for others to see it.
Motorists Spot X-Rated Films in Some Cars
By DAVID RUNK
The Associated Press
Wednesday, March 10, 2004; 2:36 PM
DETROIT - Andrea Carlton hadn't planned on telling her daughter about the birds and bees until she was 8 or 9. But that changed the night 4-year-old Catherine spotted a porno movie flickering on a screen in a minivan nearby.
"Just like there's no windows in a strip club, you shouldn't be able to see inside windows in a car when they're watching X-rated movies," said Carlton, a 26-year-old from Gurnee, Ill.
More and more Americans are buying vehicles with DVD players, usually to keep the kids entertained. But an increasing number of other people on the road are catching a glimpse through the windows of more than just "Finding Nemo" and "SpongeBob SquarePants."
Depending on where they are driving or parked, motorists could face fines and even jail time for screening X-rated stuff. But where the law may not be clear, some are calling for tighter regulation.
"Residents should not be subjected to those obscenities," said Flint City Councilwoman Carolyn Sims, who is examining whether an ordinance packing a $500 fine is needed. "They do have a right to have peace and tranquility and not to have this exposure to sex in their face."
A driver in Schenectady, N.Y., was arrested last month after rolling past police with a DVD titled "Chocolate Foam" playing on the passenger-side sun visor in his Mercedes-Benz, authorities said. The movie also was rolling on screens set into the car's headrests.
The driver was accused of breaking state laws prohibiting watching TV while driving, as well as another law making it illegal to exhibit sexually explicit material in a public place.
"The detective had a clear view of what was playing through the window. Anyone walking by on the street could have see it," Schenectady police Lt. Peter Frisoni Jr. said of the nighttime traffic stop. "If he had dark, tinted windows where you couldn't see in, that wouldn't be a public display."
As for Carlton, she and her husband were driving in the Chicago suburb of Buffalo Grove when Catherine glimpsed the sexually explicit movie. The experience last fall upset the girl and angered Carlton.
Carlton and her husband sat down with Catherine and offered the best explanation they could. Since then, Carlton has spotted other motorists with explicit movies playing, including a couple watching from the back seat of their car in a store parking lot.
"You're not allowed to have sex in your car, so why are you allowed to watch it?" Carlton asked.
Most states, including Michigan, have laws that make it illegal to watch TV while driving. Laws governing the exhibition of pornography vary by state, but experts say they could be applied to drivers as well.
"I think those restrictions would apply if the content is located in a vehicle," said Jeff Matsuura, director of the law and technology program at the University of Dayton. "You have effectively moved beyond the privacy of your own home."
During the day, it is often difficult to see what is playing inside another vehicle. But at night, the screens are easily visible from a passing car or a vehicle stopped alongside at a traffic light. The screens are also getting bigger.
In Flint, Sims took up the issue after hearing from a woman who was driving with her 5-year-old when she spotted porn playing on a vehicle's 13-inch TV screen. A police officer who happened to see the display pulled over the driver, Sims said, but let him off with a warning.
To Sims, a 23-year police veteran who retired in 2001, playing an explicit movie in view of other motorists or pedestrians is akin to flashing or having sex in a public place.
But Michigan State Police, who have not had any cases of in-car porn, say playing an X-rated movie might not be easy to prosecute unless it can be proved that the motorist intended for others to see it.
Saturday, March 06, 2004
THIS IS NOT ME:
Jen Chapin (third from right) cuts the ribbon at the ceremony dedicating to New York artists the Hard Rock CafŽ's Liberty Room. With Jen are (from left to right): David Miller along with Jaime, Jason, Josh, Tom, and Sandy Chapin.
THIS IS NOT ME, EITHER:
Toronto women support David Miller
On Wednesday, 250 women filled St. Lawrence Hall at a lunch in support of David. Attendees included actor Sarah Polley, writer June Callwood, and advisor to the McGuinty government, Karen Pitre.
"Many of the women who came here today are known advocates, and each has earned a reputation of dedication to the betterment of our society, whether in social justice, women's equality rights, antiracism, environmental protection or responsible government," said Susan Eng, lawyer and host of the event. "What links them together today is not political stripe, but their belief that we can always do better. They are impressed that David is prepared to campaign on principles, and resist the bullying of powerful interests. This is how they themselves serve the public interest."
The women in attendance praised David's strong track record on specific women's issues such as childcare and pay equity, and the room erupted in cheers and applause as David said "Every issue in this city is a women's issue."
NOT THIS GUY:
David is perhaps best known for his underwater studies of game and coarse fish, inspired by a lifetime passion for angling and by hours spent snorkeling and diving in British rivers, lakes and gravel pits. This knowledge and understanding of his subjects is clearly reflected in his work, and has resulted in a growing international reputation, with some of his larger fish paintings now hanging in London, Tokyo and New York boardrooms.
FUCK THIS:
Money making David Miller has been that wholesome face featured in stunning ad campaigns for clients ranging from Valentino to Ralph Lauren to Tommy Hilfiger (whew!) South Africa's hottest new export sat down for a hot second with MODELS.com's glamour puss Jacqueline Couppe de Ker Martin and boy are we happy he didn't charge us his day rate. Now meet the man all the designers are booking left, right and center.
JESUS (Literally):
![]()
You are here to talk about sex. You got the right guy.
OKAY, FUCK IT. CALL ME TOMMY MACPHERSON OR SOMETHING.
Tommy MacPherson is the featured instructor for the Field Programs Division. Tommy has been on the Alabama Fire College’s Adjunct Faculty since 1995. He holds certification as a Fire Fighter I, Fire Fighter II, Airport Fire Fighter, Fire Instructor I & II, Fire Investigator, Fire Officer I, Apparatus Operator: Pumper, Hazardous Materials Technician, and EMT Basic. Tommy also holds the National Cave Rescue Commission’s Levels 1, 2, 3 and Instructor. In addition, he is a CPR and BLS Instructor.
Tommy has been active in the volunteer fire service for more than 12 years, serving as the Chief of Brindlee Mountain Fire Department for the last four years.
FUCK.
Jen Chapin (third from right) cuts the ribbon at the ceremony dedicating to New York artists the Hard Rock CafŽ's Liberty Room. With Jen are (from left to right): David Miller along with Jaime, Jason, Josh, Tom, and Sandy Chapin.
THIS IS NOT ME, EITHER:
Toronto women support David Miller
On Wednesday, 250 women filled St. Lawrence Hall at a lunch in support of David. Attendees included actor Sarah Polley, writer June Callwood, and advisor to the McGuinty government, Karen Pitre.
"Many of the women who came here today are known advocates, and each has earned a reputation of dedication to the betterment of our society, whether in social justice, women's equality rights, antiracism, environmental protection or responsible government," said Susan Eng, lawyer and host of the event. "What links them together today is not political stripe, but their belief that we can always do better. They are impressed that David is prepared to campaign on principles, and resist the bullying of powerful interests. This is how they themselves serve the public interest."
The women in attendance praised David's strong track record on specific women's issues such as childcare and pay equity, and the room erupted in cheers and applause as David said "Every issue in this city is a women's issue."
NOT THIS GUY:
David is perhaps best known for his underwater studies of game and coarse fish, inspired by a lifetime passion for angling and by hours spent snorkeling and diving in British rivers, lakes and gravel pits. This knowledge and understanding of his subjects is clearly reflected in his work, and has resulted in a growing international reputation, with some of his larger fish paintings now hanging in London, Tokyo and New York boardrooms.
FUCK THIS:
Money making David Miller has been that wholesome face featured in stunning ad campaigns for clients ranging from Valentino to Ralph Lauren to Tommy Hilfiger (whew!) South Africa's hottest new export sat down for a hot second with MODELS.com's glamour puss Jacqueline Couppe de Ker Martin and boy are we happy he didn't charge us his day rate. Now meet the man all the designers are booking left, right and center.
JESUS (Literally):
You are here to talk about sex. You got the right guy.
OKAY, FUCK IT. CALL ME TOMMY MACPHERSON OR SOMETHING.
Tommy MacPherson is the featured instructor for the Field Programs Division. Tommy has been on the Alabama Fire College’s Adjunct Faculty since 1995. He holds certification as a Fire Fighter I, Fire Fighter II, Airport Fire Fighter, Fire Instructor I & II, Fire Investigator, Fire Officer I, Apparatus Operator: Pumper, Hazardous Materials Technician, and EMT Basic. Tommy also holds the National Cave Rescue Commission’s Levels 1, 2, 3 and Instructor. In addition, he is a CPR and BLS Instructor.
Tommy has been active in the volunteer fire service for more than 12 years, serving as the Chief of Brindlee Mountain Fire Department for the last four years.
FUCK.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
OSCAR 2004
A bit belated, possible because I found it hard to care.
My notes: I felt bad for Keisha Castle-Hughes, who made an unfortunate choice to be accompanied by an unrecognizeable entertainment television journalist in her limo to the awards, cheapening what will probably be the only big night of her acting career. At least she had a worse experience than losing. On the red carpet, it was funny how Sofia Coppola downplayed her father when asked about him, changing the subject to her massive family. Who all seemed to be there. I know they are Hollywood royalty and all, but does any clan deserve 45 seats at any awards show? I have to say, I'm getting tired of hearing about how if Sofia Chenstein made Lost In Translation, she wouldn't have been nominated. That might be true, but it's a decent enough movie, so pople should leave her alone. At least she's not her smug, retarded brother. Total contrast from last year. I was on the edge of my seat -- when I was awake and upright, that is, waiting for a single moment as beutiful and self-important as when the writer of Chicago thanked director Rob Marshall for his vision, and Marshall responded by mouthing, "you're welcome." Everyone thanked Peter Jackson, and he would just smile and wave. Maybe it's because I'm more sympathetic to the director of Meet the Feebles than I am some hack apparently chosen by Miramax for his ability to follow orders an unimaginitively as possible, but I prefer Jackson's approach. Even at the end, when the entire cast, crew and everyone who had seen Lord of the Rings took the stage, it was less offensive than Harvey Weinstein waving Marshall to join him last year, perhaps because it seemed self-effacing and generous, rather than the sullen entitlement that seemed to fuel the Chicago producers' gesture. I was happy when Renee Zellweger won. I wrote "Yay!" She's just so darn cute. It was weird how old men kept rubbing their chests while they talked. Billy Crystal is witless. How did Scarlett Johansson score a seat next to Sean Connery? I don't know whether to be jealous or afraid for her. Seeing Heath Ledger next to Naomi Watts also sparked jealousy, but also made me wonder if his hairline is receding out of some evolutionary predisposition to make him look age-appropriate to date the older woman? And needless to say: Death to Heath Ledger! Bill Murray is awsome: "we were politely refused." It was strange that the Best Picture nominees were introduced by actors from the films. Seemed awkward. But Murray's testimonial to Sofia Coppola was fantastic, and should convert the skeptical, if they have any sense. It'd be nice if it was online somewhere. Even though it's annoying that one not-so-great movie won everything it was expected to, it's pretty cool that a decade ago, Peter Jackson was making zombie movies; in 2004 he owned the Academy awards. That's pretty cool.
My understanding is there were a number of amusing moments during the ceremony. I missed them all, from sleep or indifference. I missed Blake Edwards reportedly amusing entrance in a speeding wheelchair because when Jim Carrey took the stage to introduce him, I muted the television and retired to another room to read for fifteen mintues. Other stuff just didn't register.
My final thought, which I realized tonight: I didn't know Paul Giamatti was there until I read it this morning.
The Onion has a much funnier recap than I am capable of, although I'm a little ashamed to get that joke about Charlize Theron:
Pre-show: The day begins at 9 a.m. PST on E!, which sponsors seven hours of eerily vacant red-carpet coverage, like C-SPAN After Dark... On the Barbara Walters special, Matt LeBlanc shills for his surefire Friends spin-off Joey, Diane Keaton ponders which of her former movie-star lovers was the hottest, Walters extracts man-tears from Billy Crystal like a grifter with an easy mark, and Shrek 2 opens May 21st at theaters everywhere... On the official ABC pre-show, Will Smith refers to this as "a non-nomination year" for him and wife Jada Pinkett Smith, who share one nomination between them. In a great piece of shtick, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson argue over which one felt Whale Rider forced him to examine his heart. Wilson then flusters a spokesmodel by asking if her breasts are real.
:01 Returning for an eighth appearance as host, Billy Crystal kicks off an ass-busting ceremony by appearing semi-nude and/or bearded in a montage of movie moments. A night where most everybody will wear muzzles after last year's politically-charged event begins with Michael Moore symbolically crushed under a stampeding oliphant from The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King.
:07 A stale year for Crystal's trademark song parodies, save for one couplet aimed at Clint Eastwood: "You make hits, you don't make schlock / You've performed with monkeys and Sondra Locke."
:21 Tim Robbins wins Best Supporting Actor, the first non-surprise in an evening of non-surprises. A nation sighs "Oh, here we go..." when Robbins says he has one more thing to add to his speech, then breathes easy as he takes a bold stance on behalf of abuse victims, who needn't be ashamed to seek counseling.
:34 The man of a thousand voices, from Frenchman to gay Frenchman, Robin Williams speed-riffs on Janet Jackson, gay marriage, and freedom fries, like a coked-out Jay Leno.
:47 When Renée Zellweger mentions Tom Cruise after winning for Cold Mountain, the camera cuts to Nicole Kidman, on the off chance that she'll scowl or burst into tears. No dice.
1:08 Time actually stops during a grueling marathon of Best Song nominees; the three slow-tempo numbers conclude with "Into The West," Annie Lennox's seat-clearing closing-credits ballad from The Return Of The King. To paraphrase Krusty The Clown, the Oscars remain the tightest three hours and 15 minutes in show business.
1:30 Alias femme Jennifer Garner wistfully recalls an unforgettable Valentine's Day spent with the winners of the Scientific And Technical Achievement awards, including that guy who created motion-control software and that dude who won the vaunted Gordon E. Sawyer Award.
1:32 Lifetime Achievement winner Blake Edwards makes a great entrance on a runaway wheelchair and at least attempts a colorful speech, with mixed results. The Oscar-montage people pretty much stop at 1982's Victor/Victoria, ignoring such undisputed late-period Edwards classics as A Fine Mess, That's Life!, Blind Date, Sunset, and Switch.
1:47 Scarlett Johansson drops the evening's strangest non-joke ("Believe it or not, I've been wearing makeup for 35 years"), only to be later topped by Lord Of The Rings producer Barrie M. Osborne, who delivers the immortal, "I dated Billy Crystal's cousin."
2:06 Oprah Winfrey introduces Mystic River by noting, "I love a great movie." Amen to that.
2:12 Errol Morris wins a richly deserved Oscar for The Fog Of War, then finds a way to tick off everybody: Leftists by thanking Robert McNamara, rightists by his oblique comparisons of Iraq to Vietnam, and everyone else by ungraciously, emphatically praising the Academy for "finally" recognizing his work.
2:19 Among the memorialized dead, HUAC stoolie Elia Kazan and Nazi propagandist Leni Riefenstahl are listed back-to-back. Coincidence?
2:45 Jack Black and Will Ferrell preface the Best Song announcement by singing a hilarious (and apropos) ode to boring speeches, namechecking Del Taco to boot. Ferrell deadpans another line-of-the-night contender: "There's no greater weapon in the director's arsenal than a strategically placed song."
3:15 Adrien Brody introduces Best Actress with a dash of breath spray. The new low-angle stage camera makes amazonian beauty Charlize Theron—winner for Most Acting in Monster—look like a sexy Yao Ming. She'll take on Mothra in her next movie.
3:27 Comedy bows to drama yet again as Bill Murray and Johnny Depp yield the Best Actor award to the Method anguish of Sean Penn, who gets a standing ovation. Penn keeps it real by slipping a WMD reference into his speech, but he falls into line quickly, graciously acknowledging his fellow actors.
3:34 The Return Of The King wins Best Picture, capping an improbable 11-for-11 sweep. And it wouldn't have happened if director Peter Jackson hadn't "pushed for 110 percent" from his collaborators.
3:40 In a nice theatrical touch, the winners all appear on stage together. Not since the Rosie O'Donnell-produced Boy George Broadway musical Taboo bombed in previews have entertainers had less cause to take a bow.
A bit belated, possible because I found it hard to care.
My notes: I felt bad for Keisha Castle-Hughes, who made an unfortunate choice to be accompanied by an unrecognizeable entertainment television journalist in her limo to the awards, cheapening what will probably be the only big night of her acting career. At least she had a worse experience than losing. On the red carpet, it was funny how Sofia Coppola downplayed her father when asked about him, changing the subject to her massive family. Who all seemed to be there. I know they are Hollywood royalty and all, but does any clan deserve 45 seats at any awards show? I have to say, I'm getting tired of hearing about how if Sofia Chenstein made Lost In Translation, she wouldn't have been nominated. That might be true, but it's a decent enough movie, so pople should leave her alone. At least she's not her smug, retarded brother. Total contrast from last year. I was on the edge of my seat -- when I was awake and upright, that is, waiting for a single moment as beutiful and self-important as when the writer of Chicago thanked director Rob Marshall for his vision, and Marshall responded by mouthing, "you're welcome." Everyone thanked Peter Jackson, and he would just smile and wave. Maybe it's because I'm more sympathetic to the director of Meet the Feebles than I am some hack apparently chosen by Miramax for his ability to follow orders an unimaginitively as possible, but I prefer Jackson's approach. Even at the end, when the entire cast, crew and everyone who had seen Lord of the Rings took the stage, it was less offensive than Harvey Weinstein waving Marshall to join him last year, perhaps because it seemed self-effacing and generous, rather than the sullen entitlement that seemed to fuel the Chicago producers' gesture. I was happy when Renee Zellweger won. I wrote "Yay!" She's just so darn cute. It was weird how old men kept rubbing their chests while they talked. Billy Crystal is witless. How did Scarlett Johansson score a seat next to Sean Connery? I don't know whether to be jealous or afraid for her. Seeing Heath Ledger next to Naomi Watts also sparked jealousy, but also made me wonder if his hairline is receding out of some evolutionary predisposition to make him look age-appropriate to date the older woman? And needless to say: Death to Heath Ledger! Bill Murray is awsome: "we were politely refused." It was strange that the Best Picture nominees were introduced by actors from the films. Seemed awkward. But Murray's testimonial to Sofia Coppola was fantastic, and should convert the skeptical, if they have any sense. It'd be nice if it was online somewhere. Even though it's annoying that one not-so-great movie won everything it was expected to, it's pretty cool that a decade ago, Peter Jackson was making zombie movies; in 2004 he owned the Academy awards. That's pretty cool.
My understanding is there were a number of amusing moments during the ceremony. I missed them all, from sleep or indifference. I missed Blake Edwards reportedly amusing entrance in a speeding wheelchair because when Jim Carrey took the stage to introduce him, I muted the television and retired to another room to read for fifteen mintues. Other stuff just didn't register.
My final thought, which I realized tonight: I didn't know Paul Giamatti was there until I read it this morning.
The Onion has a much funnier recap than I am capable of, although I'm a little ashamed to get that joke about Charlize Theron:
Pre-show: The day begins at 9 a.m. PST on E!, which sponsors seven hours of eerily vacant red-carpet coverage, like C-SPAN After Dark... On the Barbara Walters special, Matt LeBlanc shills for his surefire Friends spin-off Joey, Diane Keaton ponders which of her former movie-star lovers was the hottest, Walters extracts man-tears from Billy Crystal like a grifter with an easy mark, and Shrek 2 opens May 21st at theaters everywhere... On the official ABC pre-show, Will Smith refers to this as "a non-nomination year" for him and wife Jada Pinkett Smith, who share one nomination between them. In a great piece of shtick, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson argue over which one felt Whale Rider forced him to examine his heart. Wilson then flusters a spokesmodel by asking if her breasts are real.
:01 Returning for an eighth appearance as host, Billy Crystal kicks off an ass-busting ceremony by appearing semi-nude and/or bearded in a montage of movie moments. A night where most everybody will wear muzzles after last year's politically-charged event begins with Michael Moore symbolically crushed under a stampeding oliphant from The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King.
:07 A stale year for Crystal's trademark song parodies, save for one couplet aimed at Clint Eastwood: "You make hits, you don't make schlock / You've performed with monkeys and Sondra Locke."
:21 Tim Robbins wins Best Supporting Actor, the first non-surprise in an evening of non-surprises. A nation sighs "Oh, here we go..." when Robbins says he has one more thing to add to his speech, then breathes easy as he takes a bold stance on behalf of abuse victims, who needn't be ashamed to seek counseling.
:34 The man of a thousand voices, from Frenchman to gay Frenchman, Robin Williams speed-riffs on Janet Jackson, gay marriage, and freedom fries, like a coked-out Jay Leno.
:47 When Renée Zellweger mentions Tom Cruise after winning for Cold Mountain, the camera cuts to Nicole Kidman, on the off chance that she'll scowl or burst into tears. No dice.
1:08 Time actually stops during a grueling marathon of Best Song nominees; the three slow-tempo numbers conclude with "Into The West," Annie Lennox's seat-clearing closing-credits ballad from The Return Of The King. To paraphrase Krusty The Clown, the Oscars remain the tightest three hours and 15 minutes in show business.
1:30 Alias femme Jennifer Garner wistfully recalls an unforgettable Valentine's Day spent with the winners of the Scientific And Technical Achievement awards, including that guy who created motion-control software and that dude who won the vaunted Gordon E. Sawyer Award.
1:32 Lifetime Achievement winner Blake Edwards makes a great entrance on a runaway wheelchair and at least attempts a colorful speech, with mixed results. The Oscar-montage people pretty much stop at 1982's Victor/Victoria, ignoring such undisputed late-period Edwards classics as A Fine Mess, That's Life!, Blind Date, Sunset, and Switch.
1:47 Scarlett Johansson drops the evening's strangest non-joke ("Believe it or not, I've been wearing makeup for 35 years"), only to be later topped by Lord Of The Rings producer Barrie M. Osborne, who delivers the immortal, "I dated Billy Crystal's cousin."
2:06 Oprah Winfrey introduces Mystic River by noting, "I love a great movie." Amen to that.
2:12 Errol Morris wins a richly deserved Oscar for The Fog Of War, then finds a way to tick off everybody: Leftists by thanking Robert McNamara, rightists by his oblique comparisons of Iraq to Vietnam, and everyone else by ungraciously, emphatically praising the Academy for "finally" recognizing his work.
2:19 Among the memorialized dead, HUAC stoolie Elia Kazan and Nazi propagandist Leni Riefenstahl are listed back-to-back. Coincidence?
2:45 Jack Black and Will Ferrell preface the Best Song announcement by singing a hilarious (and apropos) ode to boring speeches, namechecking Del Taco to boot. Ferrell deadpans another line-of-the-night contender: "There's no greater weapon in the director's arsenal than a strategically placed song."
3:15 Adrien Brody introduces Best Actress with a dash of breath spray. The new low-angle stage camera makes amazonian beauty Charlize Theron—winner for Most Acting in Monster—look like a sexy Yao Ming. She'll take on Mothra in her next movie.
3:27 Comedy bows to drama yet again as Bill Murray and Johnny Depp yield the Best Actor award to the Method anguish of Sean Penn, who gets a standing ovation. Penn keeps it real by slipping a WMD reference into his speech, but he falls into line quickly, graciously acknowledging his fellow actors.
3:34 The Return Of The King wins Best Picture, capping an improbable 11-for-11 sweep. And it wouldn't have happened if director Peter Jackson hadn't "pushed for 110 percent" from his collaborators.
3:40 In a nice theatrical touch, the winners all appear on stage together. Not since the Rosie O'Donnell-produced Boy George Broadway musical Taboo bombed in previews have entertainers had less cause to take a bow.
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