I'm a little disappointed I didn't make it all the way to the Ninth Circle, but the Eighth is better (or worse, depending on your perspective) than most. It's probably because I scored so low in the easy sins, and so high on the really bad ones. The lack of heresy in my world-view dragged my score down.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

The Onion is really good this week.

"The only country artist qualified to express his political views is Johnny Cash, because that man's seen it all. And he once torched a forest while tripping on mescaline."

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20): It turns out only one in every 200 Americans hates your guts. As you'll soon see, though, that's still quite a mob.

"Dude, you should have seen me, I was so fucked up," Schwann said. "I knew I needed help, but you can't keep a party guy like me down, so right after waking up on the porch, I went off on another pub crawl. I wound up curled up on Melissa's front door again. After she got done yelling at me for being an asshole, she drove me to the rehab center. She never did forgive me for taking a shit on her lawn."

And then there's this classic...



WASHINGTON, DC—Attorney General John Ashcroft's quest for a companion to ease the pain of his lonely and tormented existence was dealt a severe blow Monday, when he was rejected by the newly created "Bride Of Ashcroft."

	Above: Ashcroft introduces his would-be Bride to the press.

Unwrapped from bandages at a press conference, the ungodly Bride twitched grotesquely several times before turning to face her would-be mate. Reporters in attendance said the Bride recoiled upon setting her eyes on Ashcroft's horribly misshapen visage, letting out a blood-curdling scream.

"When the lovestruck Attorney General tried to embrace the Bride, she shunned him, just as the entire world has shunned him," CNN reporter William Hurlbut said. "It was truly tragic."

Despondent, Ashcroft roared with despair as all hope of finding a wife deserted his tortured brain.

"Love... death... hate... living..." Ashcroft said.

The heartbroken Attorney General, realizing he could never be loved, then told reporters, "We belong dead." At that point, he pulled a giant lever, setting off a fiery explosion that appeared to incinerate himself and his new Bride, with no trace of either remaining when the smoke finally cleared.

Confirmed dead in the blast was the Bride's maniacal creator, Dr. Pretorius, whose demise reporters called "a punishment that befell a mortal man who dared to emulate God."

Police investigators are working around the clock to determine whether Ashcroft and his unholy Bride are still alive.

"They may have burned up in the fire, but you have to remember that we're dealing with a creature so horrible that only a half-crazed mind could have devised it," D.C. Chief of Police Charles H. Ramsey said. "My fear is that she and Ashcroft survived the flames and will return anew to stalk the land in darkness."

Ashcroft's quest to find fulfillment with a bride of his own kind first came to public attention in November 2002, when the Justice Department released a Yellow Alert announcement reading, "Warning! The Attorney General demands a mate!"

Most scientists were skeptical, explaining that the creation of such a being—a terrible nightmare from beyond the very pits of Hell itself—was scientifically impossible. Yet over the next two months, as Ashcroft found himself with increasing power in a steadily rightward-shifting political landscape, he used his growing clout to secure funding for the creation of a mate to call his own.

"Alone... bad," Ashcroft told reporters on Jan. 23. "Friend... good."

After a long search, on Feb. 9, Ashcroft announced that he had procured the services of Dr. Pretorius using $200 million in funding made available through the Homeland Security Act. For the next 10 weeks, Pretorius toiled in secrecy, cracking the secret of life itself by reanimating dead tissue created from cadavers out of opened graves. Enlisting the help of other scientists, Pretorius obsessively pursued the goal of creating a female companion to love the Attorney General as no mortal ever could.

Since becoming Attorney General in January 2001, Ashcroft has placed a number of limits on civil liberties, restrictions which have earned him the enmity of the ACLU and other such organizations. Recently, however, Ashcroft has also begun to draw criticism from another sector: angry peasant villagers. Chasing him with pitchforks, torches, and dogs through the foggy streets of the nation's capital, irate mobs have emerged in recent weeks as a substantial obstacle to Ashcroft's plans.

"Arrrrrrrrgh!" said Ashcroft as he fled one recent mob, before disappearing into the night.

Since the Bride incident, peasant-villager opposition to Ashcroft has only intensified. Said one villager, who insisted on picking through the smoking press-conference wreckage in search of Ashcroft's body: "When I see his blackened bones, then I can sleep at night."

"Ashcroft? I'd hate to find him under me bed at night," another villager remarked. "He's a nightmare in the daylight, he is."

So, to recap-

Homosexuality = Dog fucking

bringing a corpse home for the kids to cuddle = healthy, "pro-family" behavior.

-- from the Internet

It's amazing what web browsing can lead you to. In this case, it's a Cheerleading Forum! With topics such as...

I need help with sex
I feel like killing myself (sample message: my bf didnt make cheer team and she was laughed at to! but i took her to my opean gym and let her work with my trainer and when they had re-tryouts she made alternate!)
I'm soo mad
THEY THINK I MADE IT CUZ OF MY GRADES!
Bring It On! What do you think? (1) The Squad has not sponsor! 2) Their Stunts are SOOO Illegal! 3) They could have NEVER made a nationals routine that quickly!)

and of course...
*******DO YOU THINK IM FAT******* i am 5'0 130...............

not to mention...
Are you anti or pro war? All opinions will be respected :)

Any of the topic heading would be a brilliant title for a teen novel. All together, and it's a couple hours to waste at work. Oh, and there's an entire forum folder entitled "Weight Questions."

I was at a party this weekend. Once things settled down a bit, we watched Family Business on the hostess' Tivo. It's a reality show that, to quote the Showtime website, "focuses on the charismatic Adam Glasser and his alter ego, 'Seymore Butts,' who has created over 70 popular adult films."

I didn't know Seymour Butts was an actual name of a porn actor. Sort of juvenile, isn't it? The episodes I saw, one featured Adam trying his hand at internet dating. Both girls he dated, he waited until the first moments of their blind date to spring the whole "producer, director and sometimes performer in adult films" thing on them. Seems to me that is something they'd want to discuss before an actual date. Especially considering how awkward it made things after the bombshell. My favorite part, I don't remember what episode, was when Adam announced his plan to move from the cum shot in one scene, to another set across the house, in one uninterrupted take. I was yelling at the screen, "Say Hitchcock! Mention Rope!" but it didn't happen. Also of note in that episode was the strange use of backgammon as a springboard for hot oral action.

I was amazed by how scandalized I was by the show. I feel like such a hick.

It finally took a nude photo to convince me, but I finally realized: the Dixie Chicks are unattractive.

I was just thinking about SARS. It's bad enough that there's a respiratory infection out there with a 3% mortaility rate. That's so Nineteenth Century. But worse, it has such a clinical name. At least AIDS sounds like something; SARS sounds like a part in a transistor radio. I don't want to die of SARS. I want to die of the "Bleeding Lung Plague" or something equally poetic.

Real Email

I actually sent this email when I was messed up on medication a couple months ago. I like how I was able to use the abbreviative apostrophe correctly, but otherwise seemed to be directly transcribing my slurred speech.


'pologies

for how disconnected In was on the phon last ngiht, Did I call you? Did you call me? Eatherway, soori I was so out of it doing thre conversation.

Stupid medications, pleasee lebeivevbe me I'n not crazy. I rememebr something about migh to fth riguana, and anometihgnelkse,



OKay, I've leaving this off here (but leaving the above sankrit and all as evidence I did try to keep in touch). As I read , It's realy clear I can't type two letters togeherth, How about we talk on the phone this week. I'll call, okay? Le Belle et la Bette, Night of the Iquana or something else?

Cool?

Finally, the Puget Sound Area is getting the world-class terrorism we deserve. With three professional sports teams and a beloved landmark like the Space Needle, it's about fucking time!

My favorite part of the article: "Officials were also looking at a second envelope found near the first one, though it was unknown whether it contained powder." Do they have a team of monkeys working around the clock on this?

Suspect powder found at a Tacoma mail distribution facility

By Ray Rivera
Seattle Times staff reporter

About 100 people were evacuated and four sent to a hospital after suspicious powder was found in an envelope at a Tacoma postal facility. Preliminary tests indicated the powder might contain plague or botulism, a Tacoma police official said.

An Army National Guard unit specializing in chemical and biological hazards was called in to conduct more sophisticated tests.

Officials cautioned that preliminary tests often return false results.

Police Sgt. Jerry Lerum said the powder was discovered around 12:45 a.m. after the envelope it was in was damaged in a mail sorter. The envelope was addressed to the Sequim Police Department in Clallam County. There was no return address. At least one field test by a local hazardous material unit returned positive readings for plague and botulism, Lerum said.

Tacoma Fire Capt. Jolene Davis said four of five tests were negative.

Officials were also looking at a second envelope found near the first one, though it was unknown whether it contained powder. That envelope was addressed to the U.S. State Department, said an official with U.S. Sen. Maria Cantwell's office.

Police and fire officials cordoned off the building at 4001 S. Pine St. The FBI was on the scene investigating.

Tacoma Fire Capt. Terry Dawson said four people were decontaminated and taken to St. Joseph’s Hospital in Tacoma as a precautionary measure, though no one showed signs of being ill.

The other employees were allowed to go home. Many, however, were still on the scene in buses awaiting for the building to be reopened to pickup car keys and other personal belongings, said Mark Fulghum of the Tacoma Police Dept.

The National Guard’s 10th Civil Support Team was called in from nearby Camp Murray about 4:15 a.m. The unit consists of 22 members and has equipment that can identify hundreds of chemical, biological and nuclear hazards, said Maj. Gen. Timothy Lowenburg, commander of the Washington National Guard and the state’s top homeland security official.

The unit has been called in to investigate at least 100 such incidents since the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, Lowenberg said. No biotoxins were found in any of the previous incidents.

Once on-site testing is completed, the powder will be sent to the state toxicology lab for additional tests, Lerum said.

Sequim Police Chief Ken Burge said he had not been contacted about the envelope and could not confirm that it was addressed to his police department.

"That's not surprising, I'm sure they've got their hands full down there," Burge said.

Burge, who has only been in Sequim since October, said he couldn't think of anyone who might want to harm the department.

"Of course I don't know all the ins and outs of the community yet," he said.

A hero for the 21st century
Jon Carroll

Let us raise our glasses today to Katrina Leung, the woman whom all men want to know and who all women want to be. She has the power to cloud men's minds and then steal their secrets. And then apologize for it, and do it again.

And again.

She also made close to $2 million off the deal, most of it coming from the FBI but $100,000 of it coming from the Chinese government. In the '80s, it would appear, she became a highly paid spy because former Chinese President Yang Shangkun "liked her."

I am assuming here that Yang Shangkun "liked" Katrina Leung in the sense that FBI agent James J. Smith "liked" her. Smith enjoyed carnal liking with Leung, and it's safe to say that goal-oriented liking was one of her favorite tactics.

Leung was apparently a double agent for both the FBI and the Chinese since 1982. She told neither side of her work for the other, and it is unclear where her loyalties lay, if indeed loyalty was part of the dynamic.

Sometime between 1982 and 1991, Leung started her affair with Smith and also started to extract secret documents from his briefcase, microfilm them and pass them on to the Chinese.

For reasons not entirely clear, in 1991 Leung admitted to Smith that she had stolen his secrets and had blown the cover of two FBI agents who had traveled to China. The Chinese had them followed but did not injure them.

So what did Smith do? You're gonna love this. Did he turn Leung in? No. Did he stop having carnal liking with her? No. He flew with Katrina Leung to San Francisco, where she met with one of the two agents whose cover she had blown and apologized to him.

Her apologies were so effective that the agent, William Cleveland, also started having an affair with her. This is a very fine story. It seems that neither of the two agents knew that the other was (a) engaged in secret liking and (b) continuing to have secrets lifted from his pocket or glove compartment or wherever the hell he was keeping them.

Imagine Smith's mind-set. Yeah, we know she stole secrets, but that's all behind her. She promised me. I'll just do what I did before -- take my secrets to Katrina's and lay my burden down. And Cleveland! Spend some time inside his head: OK, so she tried to have me killed; on the other hand, she's got nice eyes.

Are you smelling instant movie of the week? I sure am.

Cleveland later quit the FBI and took a job as head of security at the Lawrence Livermore Labs. This career change probably suited Leung just fine. There are secrets at Lawrence Livermore too, and now the Chinese have some of them. It does make you worry about the employee screening process both at the LLL and the FBI. I mean, if they'd been Arab guys who'd outstayed their visas, we'd be all over them like white on milk.

Here's the beauty part. This little arrangement continued, the liking and the stealing and the unauthorized trips to China, until this year, when Katrina Leung was 49 years old. Anybody can be a backstabbing double-crossing sex goddess, but a 49-year-old backstabbing double-crossing sex goddess -- well, it gives us all hope, doesn't it?

----

Here is the picture of, to quote Warren Ellis, the inscrutable Intelligence Slut Mom:

I just received a gay porn spam. It is ingeniously written, almost fooling me into thinking it was anti-gay. It seems designed to bait self-hating closet cases. Thank heavens I am not one of those.

Please dig on the blank verse:

GAYS VIOLENCE !!!

Mortal games of gays!

In appearance they are just boys, but when they
begin to have sex, they at once turn into
beast-murderers!

They use knives, guns, scissors, screwdrivers and
everything that can find!
They can't have sex without it!

Often their games become bloody, but this arouses
their passion to extreme sex.
They become wild beasts!

Gays and blood!
Only at our site you find these exclusive photos
and films with wild orgies of gays.

Brian Gunn has a nice little piece up on Billy Bear/aka Sonny Landham.

Inspired a bit by the piece, I traveled to Landham's website, specifically his Campaign For Governor page. He is running at the people's advocate. Is it me, or does it seem like candidates for state office in the South tend to have criminal records. Yeah, I know Landham was railroaded, blah blah blah, but I can't imagine Washington state, for example, electing a felon. Maybe it's a Republican thing.

I was intrigued that the Sonny Landham for Governor campaign headquarters address is Henry Clay House, 1740 Winchester Avenue, Apartment 409, Ashland, Kentucky 41101. Yes, that's "Apartment 409." That made me wonder if the campaign phone number listed on the page was his home phone.

Sonny Landham: Hello?

Use Once & Destroy: May I please speak to Sonny Landham?

SL: Speaking.

UO&D: Uh, hi.

SL: Can I help you with something?

UO&D: Uh, yeah. Yeah, I saw your homepage on the internet.

SL: What?

UO&D: I'm with Use Once & Destroy, Inc. We're a multi-media corporation based in Seattle. Would you be available for a short interview?

SL: Use Once & Destroy?

UO&D: We're all big fans of 48 Hours .

SL: Excuse me?

UO&D: How did playing Billy Bear affect your life?

SL: What?

UO&D: That was a major role, and you are a major icon. And an inspiration to Indian Americans everywhere.

SL: Thanks.

UO&D: And now you're running for governor. Governor Billy Bear. Ha ha!

SL: Whoa. It's more than that.

UO&D: I'll say.

SL: Are you making fun of me?

UO&D: No.

SL: You're making fun of me. [Latham sighs] Okay, I'm going to say this, and then I'm hanging up. Okay?

UO&D: Okay.

SL: Okay, first, you don't call people up at midnight. Okay? Okay? Hello? Hola? Si?

UO&D: Yeah. Sorry. It's only ten here.

SL: Yeah, well, it's midnight here.

UO&D: Sorry.

SL: Yeah. And don't do weird shit like this. Calling people? What, you just do that?

UO&D: Yeah, sometimes. Sorry.

SL: It's weird shit, man. Doing that is weird shit. I'm running a serious campaign.

UO&D: I know.

SL: I'm the people's advocate in this race. I don't have time for fags like you.

UO&D: Yeah.

SL: I don't like being made fun of.

UO&D: I'm not making fun of you.

SL: Bullshit. Bullshit. You call me up at midnight, you say you work for a website, you're obviously drunk-

UO&D: I'm not drunk.

SL: It's bullshit. This isn't funny.

UO&D: Sorry

SL: Thanks.

[Pause]

UO&D: Uh...

SL: Are we done?

UO&D: Yeah.

SL: Don't fucking call here any more.

UO&D: Okay.

SL: I got your number on the caller id. I'm serious.

UO&D: Okay.

SL: It's [number deleted]. I'm serious.

UO&D: Okay.

SL: Goodbye.

UO&D: Thanks. Goodbye.

A Use Once & Destroy exclusive, folks!

Click here to contribute to Sonny Landham for Governor!

What I learned from this article: holy shit, they can identify human flesh in your stomach as belonging to someone else?

Oh, and I love this photo that illustrates the article:



On the site, it has the caption "drugs PCP." Almost zen.

Rapper Charged with Murder After Human Flesh Found In Stomach
By Chuck "Jigsaw" Creekmur, BET.Com Staff Writer

Posted June 7, 2002-- Antron Singleton aka "Big Lurch," an up-and-coming rapper from Texas, was charged with murdering a Los Angeles woman in April, after a detective's report showed there were teeth marks on her face and lungs, which were torn from her chest, according to the Los Angeles Times.

Due to the extreme nature of the crime, Singleton was being held without bail until his arraignment on June 13.

A medical examination conducted shortly after his arrest, found flesh in Singleton's stomach that wasn't his own.

In Compton Superior Court Wednesday, Los Angeles Detective Raymond Jankowski said he found the body of the Tynisha Ysais, 21, Singleton's alleged victim, in her apartment with her chest torn open. Jankowski also reported that he found a three-inch blade broken off in the victim's shoulder blade and her lungs appeared to be chewed and torn.

"Her chest was open, exposing internal organs," Jankowski told the Los Angeles Times.

A friend of Ysais, Alisa Allen, reported that she saw Singleton naked in the street, covered in blood, staring at the sky. After contacting the police, who arrested Singleton, Allen then discovered Ysais lying dead in her apartment.

According to reports, Ysais' boyfriend admitted that he and Singleton were smoking PCP the night before the murder.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), PCP is a white powdery drug that generally causes abusers to become disturbed, delusional, violent, paranoid and fearful when it is sniffed, smoked, or eaten.

Davey D, a hip-hip activist of www.daveyd.com, said he got to know Singleton when he worked as a personality at California radio station KMEL 106.1. He said the crime that Singleton is accused of doesn't fit his personality nor is it indicative of hip-hop music. "I don't think this fits anyone's rap persona. PCP is capable of taking anyone out of their mind. This is bigger then hip-hop," he told BET.Com.

"It begs to question what is going on that so many people feel they got to take a mind altering substance to remove them from their natural mind state," he queried. "At times the world is a crazy place and this situation with Big Lurch proves that."

As Big Lurch, Singleton has rapped with popular rappers like Jive Records' artist Mystikal and E-40 of California.

Attention, Washington State actors!

This is a feature length experimental film dirested by the french american director Claude Sandeaux we are curently taking extras, there is no pay 4/19 –We need extras to be dressed all in black. Cloaks, capes, hooded sweatshirts would all be preferred. We'll be in the Everett Art Gallery Monte Cristo 1507 Wall street . Evrett WA 98201 4/22 – Extras needed Costume is upper middle class (ie. Kakis, Polo, Nice jeans,etc) the location is in Evrett, WA Email me for directions. This is a night shoot. This is a night shoot starting around 5pm To 1100pm 4/23 – Extras needed Costume is upper middle class (ie. Kakis, Polo, Nice jeans, etc) the location is in Woodenville, WA please E-mail me for directions. This is a night shoot starting around 5pm To 1100pm 4/27 - Gothic people needed all black clothing preferably location is in Evrett, WA. please E-mail me for directions. This is a night shoot starting around 5pm To 1100pm 5/4 - Gothic people needed all black clothing preferably location is in Downtown Seattle, WA. please E-mail me for directions. This is a night shoot starting around 5pm To 1100pm 5/7 - Anybody and everybody All costume types must be over 21 we are shooting in a bar. The location is Downtown Seattle. Please E-mail me for directions. This is a night shoot starting around 5pm To 1100pm

I wonder if the director realizes that, no matter how much he wishes it were so, dressing goths up in back hods and -- God help us -- capes in no way does an experimental film make. Anyway, email acetg02@hotmail.com if you want to be in it.

http://blackthemovie.com

God help us...



There's No Restraining Order He Can't Beat

Now in a daily blog format...

I just happened to be looking at my site referrals. Someone did a Google search for, and I am not making this up, "german rat poison propaganda films" and got me. That's going to be the name of my next installation piece. Honest to god, this has been a great week.

He was the best dictator in the Middle East. I can't believe he's gone. Oh, Saddam, the world was never made for one as beautiful as you.

Arabs Watch Saddam's Demise in Disbelief
Wed April 9, 2003 01:11 PM ET

By Lucy Fielder
CAIRO (Reuters) - Arabs watched in disbelief on Wednesday as Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, described by one Moroccan as the Arab world's "best dictator," lost Baghdad to U.S.-led forces without a fight.

"It's like a movie. I can't believe what I'm seeing," said Adel, a lawyer in Beirut. "Why didn't he just give up to start with if this was all the resistance he could muster? Instead of wasting all those lives for nothing."

In Cairo, people gathered around television sets in shops and coffee houses watching U.S. troops toppling a huge statue of Saddam in the heart of Baghdad and Iraqis dancing on it.

"It seemed that Iraqis were all with Saddam, now it looks like many didn't like him. Maybe those destroying the statue are rebels against Saddam's rule," engineer Magdy Tawfiq said as he watched Saddam's statue being toppled by a U.S. tank.

But security guard Waleed Tawfiq said he still did not believe Saddam was out. "I will be upset if it turns out Saddam has lost power. He tried to defend his land. If he is dead he will be a martyr."

Most Arabs have no love for Saddam. But his defiance toward the United States has been met with approval in a region angry at Washington's support for Israel and perceived interference in Arab affairs, and the presence of U.S. forces in Arab countries.

Three weeks of war in Iraq have sparked anger across the Arab world, and the anger grew as civilian casualties mounted. Protesters at hundreds of rallies have chanted praise for "beloved" Saddam and held his picture aloft.

Rabat perfume shop owner Lahoucine Lanait described Saddam as the Arab world's "best dictator."

But few Arabs had a kind word for him as his 24-year rule collapsed on Wednesday.

"Saddam is not an Arab champion. The war is practically over, did he win? No, and Iraq is destroyed," said Ayman Abdel Rahim, a Cairo butcher.

"Saddam Hussein is proving for the thousandth time that he is stubborn, stupid, idiotic and a terrorist. He is more like the head of a gang and not the president of a respectable state like Iraq," said Sultan Nasser, 49-year-old Saudi bank employee.

STANDING UP TO THE UNITED STATES

Many Arabs liken the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq to Israeli occupation of the West Bank and Gaza Strip.

In Oman, some said Saddam, whose fate is unknown after he was targeted by U.S. planes, symbolized resistance.

"It is irrelevant whether Saddam is dead or not. His memory will live on to inspire many Arabs to stand up against all the injustices committed by the U.S. and its friends in Israel," Belqees Hamood, a university student, said.

"Saddam was not an angel to his own people but he will be missed since many Arabs see him as a leader who was not afraid to challenge the American and Israeli aggressions over Palestinians," said Juma Backer, a businessman.

In Saudi Arabia, Mohsen al-Awajy, a reformist sheik who has been jailed by the country's pro-Western monarchy, said: "No one wanted to fight under Saddam's banner."

"But resistance to occupation has nothing to do with Saddam and just part of the battle is about to end now."

Adel in Beirut disagreed. "So he was the only Arab leader to stand up to the Americans. Look what happened, no one else will dare try that again."

Some said his death at the hands of U.S.-led invaders would make him a martyr. It was a question of honor.

"My hope is that Saddam falls fighting with his own gun. If he flees or surrenders, as many people believe, then he is like other Arab leaders who do not care about honor, it would be a total shame," said Sellami Hidoussi, a Tunis car garage guard.

Fahd Saleh of Saudi Arabia expressed equal dislike for President Bush and Saddam.

"Saddam is a terrorist but he's not alone. Bush too is a terrorist but Saddam is weak and Bush is strong. That's why he has won, because no one opposes a strong person," said the 33-year-old Saudi government employee.

"How wonderful the world would be without Saddam and without Bush!" (Contributions from Lebanon, Morocco, Oman, Saudi Arabia, Tunisia)

Can I accept comments? I'm not sure. Give a shout out and tell me...

Guest blog today, from talented actress Jean Chemnick, who co-starred with me in Art Theatre of Puget Sound's production of The Three Sisters last year. Jean is on tour in the Northeast, doing a one-woman Holocaust show.

At David's suggestion, here is an installment of my rock n' roll life.

I arrive in Rochester. Unfortunately, due to Beth something, the local synagogue's, cancellation of my show, I have nothing to do in Rochester, so I stay in my room at the "comfort inn" going over my lines and being depressive. The first night I am in so late that the dangerous looking restaurant next door is closed, so I hitch a ride with an Ohio couple to the local strip mall, where I nibble on some ice berg lettuce and hear all about their grandchild's cerebral fluid issues, which are extensive. I admire pictures of said child. I wait for half an hour as the grandparents select candy at K-mart. I go back to the hotel, find my earplugs, and go to "sleep".

I go back to the airport and fly to Albany, then drive to Saratoga. Saratoga Springs is adorable, and the idea of kidnapping the rental car and going back to seattle stops feeling like the only sane option. I am happy. I do a couple days of shows for privileged white children and take a bath in Saratoga Spring water.

I drive to Albany. I get on the expressway. I am too timid a driver (nasty rush hour) and don't get over to the correct, new york city south bound lane. I go west instead, thinking, hell, I'll get off at the next exit. It can't be that far.

Ha, ha. But it can. I don't quite make it to Buffalo (way the fuck west) but almost. I scream obscenities. I maneuver my way east again. I get lost maneuvering my way east again. I get on the expressway going south (hallelujah), but go too far south (fuck), because my directions are wrong and the correct turn off route isn't reported (kill the boss). I get off the damned freeway and ask at a hotel, which turns out to be a retirement home, where the correct turn off was supposed to be. I arrive at hotel very late, but not quite late enough. The Jimmy Banana Comedy Club is still blaring in the dining room, making it impossible for normal humans to sleep. And I can't use my earplugs because then I'll miss my wake-up call, and that would be bad because I have a performance tomorrow at 7:30 am.

Why did I do it? I could just have said no. Why, god, why? I'm missing one and possibly two callbacks for this. Save me, save me.

But I'm in Rochester again, and I got to have I nice dinner last night, and everything is good except that a recent ice storm knocked out all the power in half the city causing all the families to have to move into my hotel with me, and the "adorable" one and a half year olds are constantly there and peeing in the jacuzzi.

Much love,

Jean

vs.

To paraphrase Alexander Cockburn, I feel like I've eaten rat poison.

I was just down the street from my work, dropping off some literature at a local arts center. As I was organizing the materials on their table for such things, I glanced up to see a larger-than-life photo of Rachel Corrie, over a table covered in candles and flowers. I'm sure there was more to it than a shrine, but I felt an immediate vacuum around me, and left for outside so I could breath again.

I knew her. Not well, mind you, but we've been introduced and re-introduced about five or six times. We went to the same parties, and shared some friends. I've checked my usual practice of name-dropping and star-fucking, because I'm so ambivalent about the war, and her death was so senseless and brave and idealistic and sad. And since I didn't know her well, it would be in bad taste to harp on it, like I am now, I guess. She falls into the category of person where you shake hands, and then remember each other. I don't remember bumming cigarettes from her, although I may have. I don't remember hitting on her, although I kind of wish I did, and glad I did not.

I almost went to a party at that space two weeks ago. Some of the organizers were the mutual acquaintances I shared with Ms. Corrie. These people were friends of hers, back from college. They loved her, and have been grieving. I a friend I wasn't sure I would attend the party, because I didn't feel well, and I was afraid it would turn into a rally (a possibility mentioned by the organizers). My friend immediately jumped down my throat, saying "We all knew Rachel Corrie, it isn't going to be a rally, the war is wrong, etc..." I could only reiterate I wasn't feeling well, and wonder if all these people knew Rachel Corrie so damn well, why don't they call her "Rachel"?

Seeing the shrine upset me. Do her friends realize how dehumanizing that is? How fascist? How Stalinist? By calling her a martyr and hailing her death, her friends and allies are as complicit as their opponents who call her a moron. I've only read of a few who see her as anything but.

I'm sure she opposed the war. She must have despised the monstrous regime in Israel. But I don't know. I don't know her nuanced feelings, and I'm disgusted that ideologues on every side have chosen to caricature this young woman into a minstrel show for their own beliefs. Even if they're her friends. Her convictions may well have been simple. I rarely discuss politics with artists. To be frozen in youth as she was is enough of a tragedy, but to strip her of humanity is worse. I hope when her friends think of her in decades to come, they remember a friend and not a symbol of their generation.

Google News Headline: Bush Rejoices Over Jessica Lynch's Rescue -- Seattle Post Intelligencer.

Actual Seattle Post-Intelligencer headline: Bush Did Not Order Plan To Rescue Troop

First, "troop" is not singular for "troops." Jesus. Second, Bush's actual response in the article: 'Bush learned of Lynch's rescue at 4:50 p.m. EST Tuesday during his afternoon call with Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld. "That's great," he told Rumsfeld.' Ari Fleisher said Bush was "full of joy," but that doesn't really count.

I'm glad that after two weeks of fighting in Iraq, we've finally been able to zero in on a real story: the rescue of 19 year-old West Virginia cutie Jessica Lynch from the hands of the infidels. I'm not going to bother with bullshit disclaimers like, of course I'm glad she's safe, and I support the troops, blah, blah, blah, because I really couldn't care less.

I just want to point out a few strange things. All my information is from a Washington Post article. I don't think it's a coincidence that the first high-profile POW was a woman. One of the things the Administration and the pro-warbies have been harping on is the state of women in the Middle East. So, a female soldier acting heroically against these chauvinist mongols is, shall we say, a real propaganda victory, with a dash of poetic justice thrown in. Also, since the ingrate Iraqis aren't exactly lining up to be liberated, it is nice to see a pretty, all-American photogenic rescued after we've endured photo after photo of those miserable-looking sand people. They're not like us. They're hardly human. Not like Jessica. Sigh.

The unnamed US officials have described her heroism in the face of capture, as reported in the Post: "[She] fought fiercely and shot several enemy soldiers after Iraqi forces ambushed the Army's 507th Ordnance Maintenance Company, firing her weapon until she ran out of ammunition." I detect a bit of the Gulf of Tonkin here; that incident never even happened, but the New York Times had no trouble describing n detail the pitched battle. Private Lynch was the only survivor of the incident, and I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume she wouldn't have related such a self-aggrandizing report, seeing as the rest of her unit is dead, and she's probably not much in a condition to talk right now (the article suggests she has not been debriefed yet).

Isn't it disturbing that Private Lynch is being praised for fighting to the death? "She was fighting to the death," the official said. "She did not want to be taken alive." I thought our respect for life was what separated from the terrorists. Aren't we supposed to encourage, maybe killing everyone else? To paraphrase Patton, nobody ever won a war by dying for their country.

In conclusion, I will observe that she's adorable, and on a note of what should be considered hypocrisy, condemn Senator Pat Roberts for saying, "Talk about spunk!" which is something nobody would say about a guy. I'm sure when the time comes, Senator Roberts will congratulate the "little lady" personally.

Those are my confused thoughts.

I was watching a porn movie I downloaded last night. And while I'm sure nobody will believe this, I downloaded it by mistake; I noticed it in my folder when someone started uploading it. In this file sharing thing, it's really easy to download the wrong thing and not notice it. So I cancelled the upload, and watched the movie before deleting it. So I'm watching this couple fuck in a swimming pool, and I notice something: the woman's crotch is absolutely covered in welts of some kind. Due to the screen resolution and small size, it was hard to tell if they were herpes, or genital warts, or something else. But, jesus, that guy must have been a real professional. I should have made a note of the actress' name, to warn the world.

I guess it is contraversial to compare one' s self with Adolph Hitler, but on the other hand, at least the people of Zimbabwe can't say they didn't know it was coming. Extra points for saying it at a funeral.

Mugabe Equates Himself to Hitler

The Daily News (Harare)
NEWS
March 26, 2003
Posted to the web March 26, 2003

By Brian Mangwende, Chief Reporter

PRESIDENT Mugabe stunned the nation last Friday when he equated himself to the German butcher of the Nazi era, Adolf Hitler, saying he was going to ruthlessly clamp down on dissenting voices in the country.

Hitler massacred over six million Jews and other minority groups whom he perceived to be his opponents.

Addressing mourners at the burial of Swithun Mombeshora, the Minister of Higher and Tertiary Education, at the National Heroes' Acre, Mugabe, who sports a Hitlerite moustache, said: "I remember when in 1976 we met with the British at the Geneva Conference and at that time the British and their friends were focused on Mugabe and Nkomo. "I was the Hitler of that time. I am still a Hitler of their time. If Hitler fought for the justice of mankind, many nations would not have fought against him.

"Hitler in Zimbabwe has one objective - sovereignty for his people, recognition of their independence and their rights to freedom. If they say I am Hitler, let me be Hitler ten-fold and that's what we stand for."

Mugabe made the remarks on the backdrop of unprecedented torture, arrests and assaults allegedly by State security agents countrywide on civilians.

Last week, a man was beaten to death and several others, including opposition Members of Parliament, were beaten up and/or arrested as soldiers, the police and Central Intelligence Organisation agents cracked down on residents they suspected of participating in the two-day mass stayaway.

Richard Boucher, the spokesperson for the State Department of the United States, immediately condemned the retributions.

He said the upsurge in official violence is directly attributable to Mugabe's speech last Friday in which he said he could be a "black Hitler ten-fold" in crushing his opponents. "Since the beginning of this year, government officials and supporters have sharply escalated repression of all forms of dissent," Boucher said.

"This repression has grown increasingly violent. "In the run-up to this week's parliamentary by-elections in two pro-opposition districts, the ruling party has made clear its intent to win at any cost and has used violence and manipulation of food stocks to intimidate voters."

The US government said Harare should immediately cease its campaign of violent repression, and identify and bring to justice the perpetrators of these serious and widespread human rights abuses.

In a statement, Boucher said: "The United States strongly condemns the unprecedented violence carried out by the Zimbabwe government against domestic opponents. "Over the past three days, the government of Zimbabwe has embarked on a massive retribution campaign against opposition officials, supporters, and other critics of the regime.

"This wave of violence and intimidation follows last week's successful and largely peaceful two-day work stoppage organised by the main opposition party, the MDC. "Since then, over 400 opposition supporters have been arrested, beaten, and in some cases tortured by individuals in police and military uniform.

"Over 250 people have required hospitalisation and at least one person has died. "Women have been sexually assaulted by police or military officers."

He said violence directed against opposition parties and their supporters has become a standard pre-election tactic of Mugabe's government over the past three years.

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Copyright © 2003 The Daily News. All rights reserved. Distributed by AllAfrica Global Media (allAfrica.com).

I think I'm going to start up an anti-abortion mail list or something. That way, when some chimp adds me to their anti-war mail list, I can respond in time. Jesus, how presumptuous.

The Wilco Documentary, " I Am Trying to Break Your Heart, arrives today on dvd. Out of laziness and the desire to fill space, here's my original review of the movie, from last Fall:

Saw I am Trying to Break Your Heart last night. Entertaining, but no Gimme Shelter. Tells the story of Wilco recording their album Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, which I haven't heard, but is apparently well-regarded in some circles (I prefer the innovative sounds of Gram Parsons), and how the band struggled to get it released . The best parts were the scenes of the band playing; to the film's credit, we saw many complete performances. Jeff Tweedy is an interesting case study, someone who is able to communicate through music and lyrics, but is completely inarticulate when it comes to speaking. Probably a full ten minutes of film were spent with him sighing and scratching his head.

Other low points include Rolling Stone hack David Fricke, who blathers pretentiously about Wilco's genius and the decline of American society. I'm not exaggerating when I say Fricke should be shot. With his hair and his faux-counterculture ideals, it seemed like the filmmmakers had dug a trench into some particularly repulsive strata of Seventies tar pit and this guy fell out. There's also a cameo by former musician, current hanger-on Dave Pirner. When I subscribed to Rolling Stone in college, his smug, obsequious mug invaded every issue in the Random Notes, hanging out with any musician unlucky enough to be in the same industry awards show. Sad to see he's still a groupie.

The most interesting thing about the film was the way the camera affected just about everything that occured. The endless discussions and arguments in the studio were clearly exacerbated by band members performing for the filmmakers. A scene where the manager chews out an anonymous Reprise flack demonstrates the same thing.

Despite the filmmakers' boast on their website that this is a "true documentary," director Sam Jones is clearly a fan of the band (he told Vanity Fair he wanted to portray "a great American rock band at the height of its creative powers."), determined to show them in the best light; the films even sides with the band when Jay Bennett is fired. After the termination, Tweedy affects the high road and refuses to discuss it, while the manager, Tony Margherita, sneers that Bennett will be playing in from of 35 people. Cut to Bennett playing in front of 35 people, singing a shitty folk song. I don't know anything about the man. If he has talent then it is dishonest to excerpt such a crapopy song. If he really is so untalented, then it is viscous to make such a point of it. Regardless, the implication is clear: Wilco is better off without him. Cruel and uneccessary.

So, I got April fooled today. I've been sitting around with this package I need to send. I didn't send it yesterday because, as I complained to my co-worker Kate, the lines were too long. She replied, "that must be because the rates went up today." To which I said, "Oh, fuck." Then she said, "Aptil fool!" I can't beleive it. Now I'm going to have to slash her tires or something.