"...this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches"



I hate joke emails. Fucking hate them. My father could email me to tell me that his cancer was out of remission, and I
would delete it because it would come in surrounded by ten racist jokes he felt that I just had to see. 
Man, that shit is annoying.

Sometimes, there is in fact diamonds in the coal. My co-worker Heather sent the following out. An email so good I am
forever willing to kill for her, in gratitude.

Grossly overweight Louth turfcutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08

Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, seeks Replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie. Thurles area. Box 08/73

Galway man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box 06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Glasgow Celtic football club and starting scraps on Patrick Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Kerryman lately rejected by longtime fiancee seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41

Ginger-haired Galwegian trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87

Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach esssential. Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters. Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27

Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07

Attractive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Jolenes Nightclub, Macroom, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry for long nights spent comfort drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm. Box 30/41

"...this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches" is the best existential lament I've heard in a long time. My next book of
poetry will bear that title.